How to Stop Being a People Pleaser and Stand Up for Yourself

“It feels good to be accepted, loved, and approved of by others, but often the membership fee to belong to that club is far too high of a price to pay.” — Dennis Merritt Jones

Every one of us seeks love and acceptance. It’s a deep-rooted and unconscious habit we developed long ago. Back to our roots, when we lived in tribes, being accepted by others was also a big part of survival — as important as food and shelter.

We all need each other; no one can live alone. That’s how human beings work.

Yet, some of us are affected by not being accepted by others.

I know I was.

Since I know myself, I always have worried about what other people think of me. I always wanted to please. To be nice. Even when I didn’t feel like it.

If a friend asked me a favor, I would drop everything I was doing to help. I would make others’ priorities my priorities. If someone would disagree with me about a particular topic, I would almost immediately think twice and say — “oh yeah, you’re right”.

To be honest, I never thought much about it; I felt it was just part of my personality. But something didn’t feel right, after so many years trying to please everyone. I discovered I was ignoring my needs and desires. By letting myself continuously worry about what others thought about me, I forgot about myself. The more I desperately wanted to be closer to others, the more I became distant from myself. It was like a never-ending loop.

Why some of us are people pleasers

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with pleasing others — as long as you don’t neglect yourself. But in general, pleasers come from unhappy homes where many conflicts or dysfunctional emotional relationships were happening. Pleasers usually have/had parents or caregivers that were distant, that could not show affection, warmth, love.

Moreover, as kids, we are punished when we do something bad and rewarded when we do something good. And to some of us, there were enormous consequences when someone punished us. Needless to say, to a child, being punished is like saying, “I disapprove of you” or “You are bad,” which always ends up to “You are not enough.”

Disapproval can come from all sorts of ways: beating, spanking, emotional neglect, silent treatment, verbal abuse, playtime deprivation, manipulation, etc.

But in the end, all kinds of punishments really just act as abandonment. The message that any kid takes from here is that he or she doesn’t deserve his or her parents’ love. Or everyone else’s love.

Inside a child’s mind, disapproval can be a really dark place. And if this is not taken care of, the child will grow up believing that he or she has to please others. He or she believes that this is the only way available to be approved and loved by others. To feel belonged.

We can spend an entire life avoiding disapproval.

People pleasers tend to be perfectionists because of this. Why? Because our self-worth is just so low and so dependent on others’ approval that we simply start being the nicest persons we can possibly be to everyone. Everyone, except ourselves.

So after so many years of trying to make everyone happy around me, I realized I was craving acceptance and a feeling of belonging. I wanted to be loved, and if that meant I had to be nice all the time and please everyone, I would do that.

I wasn’t doing this consciously. It was intrinsically rooted in me, my personality, and my way of being. Yet, it was not making me happy or a better person. I started feeling like I was betraying myself.

And so, I decided to find the triggers that made me feel like I wasn’t being true to myself to please someone else. After analyzing my behavior and feelings on several occasions, this is what I found.

You know you are a people pleaser when you:

• apologize all the time, even when there’s no reason to do so.
• say thank you all the time.
• around others, you’re always in a good mood.
• avoid making group decisions.
• avoid confrontation.
• give too much of yourself too soon.
• don’t voice your opinions or express your points of view.
• feel devastated if someone doesn’t like you.
• show passive-aggressive behavior.
• just can’t say no, even though you want to.
• feel responsible for what others feel.
• tend to act in the same way other people act.
• agree with everyone, even if you don’t.
• feel bad if someone is angry at you, even if it’s not your fault.
• need others’ validation to feel good about yourself.
• don’t admit when your feelings are hurt.
• get hurt easily.

If you do this, as I did, know that you are not being authentic, nor you are being a good friend/spouse/colleague. But most importantly, you are not being good to yourself. You’re just placing yourself in a position where people may take you for granted. They will see you as a conformist, an easy-going and drama-free type of person. But what you’re really doing is betraying yourself, your wants and needs.

Eventually, your happiness will vanish away, but in the end, you are the one who is letting this happen. And you don’t want that.

I reached a point where I decided I didn’t want that. I wanted to feel good in my own skin and love and respect myself. To be free. I also wanted to attract people in my life that loved and respected me for who I am.

After countless readings and trials, I gathered a couple of powerful techniques that helped me stop being a constant people pleaser.

Techniques To Stop Being A People Pleaser

Become self-aware

First things first. Every change begins when we look at ourselves with curiosity, without any judgment. By allowing our emotions and thoughts to come in and teach us something about ourselves, we allow ourselves to improve and evolve. We get the chance to understand ourselves better. We meet our wants and needs. This is the fastest way to get to who you are.

Start noticing:

• In which moments do you feel like you’re trying to please someone?
• In which moments do you feel you’re betraying yourself by doing or saying something you don’t want to do or say?
• Which people do you see yourself pleasing the most?
• What could happen if you didn’t please those people?

Look at your answers with curiosity and check how you feel about each of them. This is how you get to know yourself better.

Learn to let go of the past

All the moments from our past that still haunt us act like a heavy suitcase we carry wherever we go. But that suitcase belongs to the past, not our present or future.

If you’re stuck in your past, you allow it to define you. And that feels like a prison because you don’t let yourself find your full potential.

Everyone carries a suitcase full of hateful things other people said or did. But our past is meant to teach us something to improve.

Whenever I felt that my past was haunting me and disturbing my present, I would imagine myself walking in a field with that heavy suitcase. I could see myself struggling to walk. And then I would imagine myself deciding to drop that suitcase on the ground. I would drop it. And then I would see myself roaming freely in the field, feeling light and happy.

Although this looks simple, it was a powerful exercise that I did several times to let go of my past.

So let go of that suitcase. Literally.

Practice inner-child work

This one goes hand in hand with letting go of the heavy suitcase of the past. Inner-child work is an essential tool that all of us must use to heal any trauma we carry to our adult life from our childhoods. The thing is, our wounds from childhood are not something we just get rid of as we grow up. They follow us, and they influence everything we do throughout our life — our personality, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, fears, etc.

This is why inner-child work must be done, and there is no one on this planet that doesn’t need it.

The technique is simple. Just close your eyes and go back to memories that make you feel uncomfortable — those are the ones that are tormenting you in the present, even if you’re not aware of it. Now, when you go back to your uncomfortable memories from childhood, you start visualizing what your little-self is going through. Try to live and feel that memory as if it was happening now.

You might feel deeply uncomfortable, but that’s just part of the process. Just breathe and stay still.

As you see your little-self struggling in that particular memory (maybe you were neglected by your parents/caregivers; maybe you felt you didn’t belong; maybe you felt unlovable); try visualizing your present-self entering in that memory. When you do that, reach your little-self and take him or her in your arms. Then tell him/her:

“I am here for you. I love you. You are enough. You are safe.”

You may do this as many times as you need, with all the uncomfortable memories from your childhood. It’s a powerful practice that will lead you to know yourself better and truly heal from trauma/unpleasant memories. All the other techniques I mention here are essential to stop being a pleaser, but inner-child work is by far the one that really helped to set me free.

Realize the importance of being authentic

We all use countless “masks” to get throughout the day in a certain way. And that’s okay. We do it to survive. However, overdoing it may separate your true self from you. You will reach a point where you just don’t know yourself anymore.

Authenticity is linked to self-acceptance. When we accept ourselves, we become our best friends. When we don’t, we skip seeing our self-worth and do what others want.

So practice accepting yourself. That will lead you to be more authentic.

Accept that you are a unique individual, and you deserve to act accordingly.

And the best part of becoming more authentic is that other people will be comfortable around you to be authentic as well.

If you need extra help with being authentic, try reading this piece from Sílvia Bastos. She shows you detailed exercises that also helped me become a more genuine person (thank you, Sílvia!).

Understand that overdoing is not the right thing to do

Being always there for everyone else will not improve your relationships. Healthy relationships are balanced between both sides. If one is overdoing, the other will eventually under-function. Even if your intentions are always the best, you will eventually collapse if you are continuously giving more than you receive.

Understand that sometimes you just can’t handle everything for others. Understand that others will respect your limit only when you respect it first.

Set healthy boundaries

One of the most challenging things to stop being a people pleaser is to say ‘No’ without feeling guilty or selfish. But actually, when you say ‘No’ to something you don’t want to do, you are saying ‘Yes’ to your well-being. You are respecting yourself.

Saying ‘No’ doesn’t mean you are rejecting the other person. It only means you value yourself, your time, and your energy. The other person will have to understand, and if that doesn’t happen, it’s really not your fault.

People often get disappointed due to their expectations from us and for whom they want us to be. But in the end, people learn how to treat us depending on what we accept or don’t accept.

So set your boundaries. Say ‘No’ when it’s necessary and feel good about it.

Let people know you won’t do anything without your consent.

Keep it simple

Several times I felt like I had to explain why I would say ‘No’ to someone. There is no need for that, and you may try resisting the impulse to over-explain. You can simply say, “Sorry, I can’t this time,” or “No, thanks, maybe next time!” or “I’m afraid I’m busy that day.”

Whatever works for you, find your way to express what you really want without complicating or going back and forth with your words.

In case of doubt, you can always say, “I will let you know as soon as possible,” or “Let me think about it for a moment, and I’ll get back to you soon.”

You don’t always have to respond in the same minute when someone asks you to do something. Check in with yourself if you really want it.

Take your time.

Surround yourself with people that support you

As people pleasers, we may be surrounded by toxic people, manipulators, bullies, or people who take advantage of us. In reality, we let this happen, as we just crave to be accepted more than anything.

Look around you and see which people in your life are good for you and which are not. Stop spending your time with them if you know that some people use you because they know you will always be there.

Bear in mind that whenever you offer your time, you give a piece of your life. So give it to the ones that genuinely care about you. To the people who bring out the best in you and make you feel good about yourself.

As you start trying these techniques, you will feel incredibly uncomfortable. You might think you’re not a good friend, or you might think of yourself as a selfish person. That’s natural — you’re just not used to thinking about yourself, your needs, and wants first.

This doesn’t mean you won’t help anyone ever again. It also doesn’t mean you won’t follow other people's plans just so you can always follow yours.

It only means you will be listening to what’s inside you every time you feel uncomfortable doing something for others or feel like you’re not yourself in front of others.

Soon enough, you will realize that the moment you start giving yourself the same attention you give to others will be the beginning of a new, truer you.

Don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions. I’m happy to help you in anything I can.

Good luck. 🌞

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