How I Knew I Was in Love and When it Was Over

It wasn’t love at first sight and it wasn’t over in a flash.

It was a slow process of realisation that I was in love for the first time. I had met my boyfriend on Tinder in my mid-twenties, and in our first few dates I felt that he had a warmth and a kindness of spirit that made me want to keep seeing him beyond the usual few Tinder dates.

As days turned into weeks and weeks into months, I started to feel a connection that I’d never experienced before, despite having had previous relationships.

Some people say that if you aren’t sure whether you’re in love or not, then you aren’t in love. Perhaps that does apply to relationships that have been going on for a long time, but I think that when a relationship is just getting started, it’s ok for you to not be sure.

Here are the signs that I experienced that gradually revealed to me my true feelings:

1. I always looked forward to seeing my new boyfriend and he always made me feel better about myself when we spent time together. I was eager to keep making plans with him.
2. In the first two months that we were together, my boyfriend mentioned that he had a plan to move abroad. I remember thinking to myself how much I desperately didn’t want that to happen (although I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want to influence his decision). I thought to myself, “Don’t move away, we’re going to be together forever.”
3. Sometimes when we were together, we laughed until our sides hurt.
4. I wanted to incorporate him into the rest of my life — he met my housemates first of all (it was kind of hard not to meet them), then my friends, then finally my family and I met his too. He got along well with my friends and family, and that was something really important to me.
5. I started mouthing “I love you” into his hair, his chest, his back, never so that he could see me or hear me, but more so that I could test out the expression. I whispered it and I realised that it was true.
6. I could see a future together. We started making plans for trips, holidays and living together.
7. I was the first one to say ILY. We were out dancing and I whispered it into his ear, this time loud enough for him to hear. He looked at me and smiled and said it back. It was probably the happiest day of my life up until that point.
8. When, a few months later, I had to go on a five-week trip to the US, the separation was physically painful. I had a paper calendar and I ticked off the days one by one until I saw him again. Missing him kind of ruined the trip for me.

How did you know that you were in love with your partner? Did you experience any different signs?

I was deeply and happily in love with a person that I thought was wonderful. So where did it go wrong?

All in all, we were together for about a year and a half. I would say that for the first year of that, I fell completely and totally in love. But as time went on I started to question myself — was I in love with him, or in love with the idea of him? Or, worse, the idea of being in a relationship?

Little by little, I started to experience waves of anxiety which was unusual for me. When he wrote on my birthday card that he couldn’t wait to spend many more years with me, I felt panic rather than joy.

I buried these feelings deep down, and wouldn’t even admit them to myself. I started to notice how different we were, how sometimes we were so busy doing things: going out, planning trips, watching movies, exploring new places, that we didn’t leave much time for emotional connection. Our conversations were mainly about things, rather than ourselves.

We had a couple of arguments. Never aggressively so, but enough to make me realise how different our world views were. It’s not that I think that arguing is bad in a relationship — I think most couples argue at some point, but we couldn’t seem to find a compromise. Our arguments didn’t resolve anything between us and left me feeling despondent.

Slowly, the question started to creep into my mind — was there someone else out there that we were better suited to?

Part of the problem was that I hadn’t really been in such a serious relationship before so I wasn’t sure if this was a normal part of the process. Perhaps it is normal to experience doubt after the first year of the “honeymoon phase” had worn off?

Naively, I didn’t want to talk about it with any of my friends or family members who were in long-term relationships because I worried that the admission alone would be the writing on the wall. So I carried on for a while, pretending that everything was normal.

The anxiety grew. It was like my subconscious wouldn’t let me lie to myself. I started to suffer more and more serious anxiety attacks where I would be filled with nausea, panic, dread, and it would rise up through me until I wanted to retch. I finally broke down and told one of my friends how I was feeling. He didn’t say anything, just listened. Then, finally, he told me that he was going to ask me a question and he wanted me to answer without thinking about it. “Do you want to break up with him?” he asked and immediately I said, “Yes.” I was finally admitting the truth that had been inside me for several months.

Breaking up was horrible. Even though I was the one to do it, I was devastated. I missed him. We briefly got back together before it happened again and the second time round, it was final. It took a long time to get over the loss of our shared future together and I felt lonely.

We broke up about nine years ago. He’s married now with kids, and seems happy from what social media tells me. I still miss him sometimes, but it was the right thing to do. I would not have had the amazing experiences I’ve had since then, or learned so much about myself, if we’d have stayed together.