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How I Impressed a Hollywood Girl Who Hated Me
It’s not Emma Watson but she's next on my radar
Last summer, I went to Iceland for 25 days of vacation like any super-rich person would do. Although I’m far from being rich, you wouldn’t be able to tell when you look at me or the things I do. I wouldn’t blame you because my own family can’t tell.
Iceland would be the last place on earth people who live in Norway pick for their vacation due to its similar weather conditions. But, as my mom once told me — I’m one in a billion.
The Land of Fire and Ice
I chose Iceland for 3 reasons, necessarily in the same order below.
- Iceland was the main filming location for the epic series Game of Thrones
- I wanted to celebrate my birthday in Iceland
- It was Iceland
Iceland is one of the most expensive countries in the world. I could spend money faster there than a cheetah could run. That was just a perk of picking Iceland.
I went to Iceland alone but I was to join the other 19 people in a sophisticated tourist bus. I'd always wanted to travel with strangers. I was dying to have those excruciating small talks.
The majestic bus picked me up last from my airport hotel. Everyone on the bus was delighted to see my face, as they should be. Well, they faked well. Except for one girl. She was busy on her phone. Although it was disrespectful, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
When I spoke to the tour organizer guy sitting nearby, I learned everyone on that small bus was a big fish — except me.
Some of the big fishes were a doctor who’d just interviewed Elon Musk, a famous journalist, a Cambridge Professor, an Olympic bronze medalist, and a gorgeous girl who’d just ignored me.
“But why…”
“I know what you’re going to ask. Why didn’t these big fishes rent a car? Because that’s how good our service is. Besides, it’s convenient for them I know which places they must visit,” the organizer guy winked at me — with his both eyes at the same time.
“Right.”
The 19 people were from 8 different countries but Americans dominated the list, as always.
Jane Frigging Doe
Looking at the best scenery ever through my window on the bus, my exact thoughts were:
If that girl thinks she’s the only one who’s ignored me in my life, I genuinely feel sorry for her.
My entire life revolved around girls. Luckily for her, I'm a huge fan of drama. This girl isn’t your typical drama girl. She writes drama for a living.
She’s an aspiring Hollywood director, screenwriter, and producer, apparently. She had 68 wins and 121 nominations under her IMDB awards column. Not bad for a Hollywood girl.
She was at my exact age and she’d just started her career. To prevent her from becoming more famous, I’m calling her here — Jane Doe, which is my least favorite name ever.
Also, now there’s a fat chance you’ll be offended unless your actual name is Jane Doe.
After knowing she was the biggest fish on the bus, I couldn’t resist catching her. I approached her, “I’m Srini. How are you today?”
She ignored me like I wasn’t there. She didn't have her phone this time. How naive of me to give her the benefit of the doubt!
I didn’t know if it was just me or she genuinely hated me. When the next tourist spot came, I had to make sure she didn’t like me.
I attempted to make small talk, again. Same result. Clearly, she hated me.
Ironically, the more you’re desperate to impress someone, the more you’re going to disgust them and yourself.
I’ll tell you whom I didn’t bother to impress — her family.
Her mom, dad, and her little sister were with her. They were polar opposite to her. They never stopped talking to me.
Our bus stopped at a famous film location of Game of thrones. When I recognized that, I got excited, “Hey guys! Oh, my! This is exactly where the dragons had an epic fight.”
This time, not only the girl, but everyone made me feel like I was invisible. That was rubbing salt in the wounds. Even that picturesque snow seemed like salt. Yet, I pitied them because — I’m no snowflake.
I was focused like an eagle on getting the girl’s attention.
How can someone not love me? Everybody has to love me. I must be loved. So what she’s a Hollywood star. Big deal.
Game of Smiles
Every girl who’d ever talked to me said they loved my charming smile. I decided to throw my strongest weapon at Jane—to smile at her, to make her fall for me.
When the next opportunity came, I gave my best smile ever. She reacted like I just vomited.
After an hour, her mom was struggling to take a good picture of Jane posing in front of stunning waterfalls.
When her mom saw me holding my digital camera taking pictures of waterfalls, she requested me to take a picture of her daughter.
There was my chance again to impress Jane who’s a camerawoman for a living. I'm a prolific photographer.
As soon as I took the camera from her mom, Jane looked grumpy, even for her.
When I asked Jane to stand straight and smile, that did not help. That has to be the picture she smiled the least ever in her life. I’m being generous here.
Her mom looked at my picture, “Goodness! This picture is masterfully taken. Teach my daughter how to take good pictures. I don’t know how Hollywood gives her awards.”
I didn’t know who blew my chances here more — me or her mom.
After she saw her daughter who didn’t thank me for the “masterful” picture, she said, “Excuse my daughter. She’s been grumpy all week.”
Pro tip: You don’t tell a grumpy person or in front of them that they’re grumpy.
The Dinner Game
After I blew all my chances to impress Jane, I had to stop making any more attempts and enjoy my vacation. All 20 of us were having dinner together at a massive table in a fancy restaurant.
The journalist randomly talked about The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. He said that was his most favorite movie ever. He asked if anyone remembered which year that movie came out.
Within a second, I replied, “It was 2002. It was the highest-grossing film of 2002.”
There was a stunned silence at the table as everyone looked at me.
Jane, for the first time, looked at me without — any disgust, “Okay. Here's a random one for you. When did The Deer Hunter movie come out?”
“1978. Nominated for 9 Academy awards. Won 5,” I responded within 3 seconds.
Jane said, “Cool. You seem to know more about movies than I do. Why don’t we play a game right now and entertain our audience here?”
How could I not have thought of this? I’m such a doofus. The solution to impress Jane was right in front of me all along. I remembered the famous Sherlock Holmes quote:
“The world is full of obvious things, which nobody by any chance ever observes.”
Jane still waited for my answer, “Well? Dude, are you in?”
I looked at Jane and said:
“You have to think about one shot. One shot is what it’s all about. A deer’s gotta be taken with one shot.”
She gave me the bewildered look on her face, “What’s that supposed to mean, dude?”
“That is a famous quote from The Deer Hunter,” I said to her and realized I wasn’t telling her that quote. I was talking to myself.
With my straight face, I said to Jane, “I’m in — dude!”
Because of the dinner table, I felt like playing poker. What she couldn't know was I don’t fold. I go all in.
When I watched movies at the age of 3, I knew who was going to be the killer, even before the killer decided to kill someone. I don’t watch movies just for entertainment. I watch to learn — from ultimate guide to camera angles to the actors’ favorite food in real life.
I could not blow this shot even if I tried. This was the moment I’d been practicing for my entire life and — I didn’t even know it. Talking about a shot, I took 2 quick vodka shots to make my brain work faster than ever.
The game was on. Jane took her phone to google and ask me the toughest questions she could. Everyone at the table was stunned in silence to give the quiz game atmosphere.
Jane asked about 40 questions — from 12 Angry Men to The Empire Strikes Back. I managed to get everything right. I managed to tell more than she wanted for every movie. I managed to give my answers faster than the time she took to google my answers and confirm.
When Jane eventually put her phone down and smiled at me, the stunned silence at the dinner table burst into applause. Unbelievable scenes.
I tried my best to acknowledge it “gracefully”.
“It sure does come from passion and I’ve seen passionate guys. But how can you possibly remember everything?” the doctor at the corner of the table asked.
I realized the doctor who interviewed Elon frigging Musk was now interviewing me?
“Well, Sir, ironically, I don’t remember how I remember things.”
“Don’t sweat it. That was a rhetorical question.”
How The Dinner Tables Have Turned
The next morning, as we were going to a new place, I was sitting alone by the window on the bus, as usual.
Jane walked past me, as usual, to sit behind me on the bus. Then she approached me, “Hey Srini! Morning! May I sit with you?”
“What? Yes,” I said — with my “charming” smile.
She was surprisingly sweet to me. She told me all about her past, current, and future projects. She took her phone and showed me all the private chats she had with the most popular stars such as Emma Watson and Emma Stone.
I felt — It wasn’t me who was trying to impress her anymore. It was the other way around.
We learned we had similar interests due to our similar age.
That weekend, my birthday came. Jane organized a big surprise party all by herself and took me to a nightclub to party harder.
Before she left for Los Angeles, we became close friends. I’m now in her close friends group on Instagram and Snapchat.
Whenever she directs a music video or writes her scripts, she calls me to discuss it. She seems to love talking to me and hearing my opinion.
She’s promised to introduce me to Emma Watson soon. The Emma Watson! Until then, I’m practicing everything I can to impress Emma when I get the opportunity to meet her.
It shouldn’t be too difficult, considering that I’m the male version of Hermione Granger from Harry Potter, the role that made Emma famous.
Since Emma’s a feminist, I should become one myself. That’d get me bonus points for my house.
On second thought, I’m already a feminist.
“If you stand for equality, then you’re a feminist. Sorry to tell you.” — Emma Watson
It's safe to say I’m almost half-ready to crush my crush.
Yo, Emma! If you're reading this, please tell me, you're not reading this.