Summary

The article satirically outlines the unethical tactics used by the author to grow an email list to 100,000 subscribers.

Abstract

The author, Matt, humorously reveals his questionable methods for amassing a 100k-strong email subscriber list. He targets an audience eager for quick wealth, promotes dubious courses for a fee, engages in influencer outreach through bribery, runs a rigged competition, and positions himself as an economic expert to gain media exposure. The article is a tongue-in-cheek critique of manipulative marketing practices and should not be taken as genuine advice.

Opinions

The author acknowledges that his audience is primarily interested in get-rich-quick schemes, regardless of legitimacy.
He admits to promoting wealth-building courses using persuasive buzzwords and catchphrases, despite the potential for being labeled a sellout.
The author reveals that he spent money to bribe influencers with large followings to endorse his email list, a tactic he believes was highly effective.
He created a competition with a $10,000 prize, which was actually a ruse to attract subscribers, as the winner was predetermined to be himself.
The author implies that media appearances can significantly bolster one's credibility and drive email list sign-ups, even if the advice given is self-serving.
He suggests that his strategies for building an email list are replicable, albeit in a satirical tone, emphasizing the ease of achieving such growth.
The article concludes with a disclaimer stating that it is fictional and for entertainment purposes, not to be taken as legitimate financial or legal advice.

Humor

How I Grew My Email List To 100k Subscribers

It’s a lot easier than you think

“Matt, how did you get so many email newsletter subscribers?

I get asked that question all the time. And when I give people a response, they’re always amazed at my ability to succeed in the world of email marketing.

Over the past few months, I’ve grown my email list from 0 to 100,000 people. It wasn’t easy. But with a strong work ethic, I accomplished something that many people said was impossible.

Here’s how:

I Understood My Target Audience

Like many people on the internet, my audience wants to get rich quick. It doesn’t matter if something (or someone) seems sketchy. As long as my email subscribers can make a profit, they’ll happily gravitate towards it like a moth to a flame.

I provide recommendations on productivity and wealth-building courses for my email subscribers to join. The owner of each course pays me a five-figure sum. In exchange, I say the course will change the lives of my audience — and include a bunch of other buzzwords and catchphrases to give each product sufficient marketing hype.

Some people might call me a sellout because I frequently advertise to my audience. But since I make a tonne of money, I prefer to use the term “cashing in.”

I Did A Lot Of Influencer Outreach

Or, more specifically, I spent a few thousand dollars bribing people with millions of followers to promote my email list.

It worked like a charm.

Influencers included the link in their social media posts and called it “the best email list in the entire world.” In return, I got over 50,000 new subscribers and a better excuse to charge more for advertising on my email list.

I Created A Competition To Get More Traffic

The idea of the competition was simple: someone will receive a $10,000 prize for joining my email list. The only catch? The winner of the competition was pre-determined: me.

Anyway, within an hour of announcing the competition, thousands of people signed up for my email list. They desperately wanted to win the grand prize of ten thousand dollars. But unknown to them, I was already spending the money on a private jet flight to see my billionaire buddy in Seattle. For the sake of privacy, let’s just say his name rhymes with Beff Jezos.

I Established Myself As An Economic Expert

I hired a personal assistant to get interviews with some of the biggest media outlets in the world. Thankfully, many people viewed me as a trusted resource after appearing on several TV shows to provide “expert advice” on the economy.

Everyone who’s ever given advice on TV has done it for altruistic purposes. It’s not like Hedge Fund managers and investors have a conflict of interest when they recommend specific stocks…. right?

After my TV interviews were completed, more than 50k people signed up for my email list. If that’s not something to be proud of, I don’t know what is.

If you want to build a massive email list like me, consider adopting the above strategies. Sure, growing an email list to 100k people might seem difficult. But I’ve done it. Which means you can, as well.

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Disclaimer: This article is humorous, fictional, and for entertainment purposes only. Information will be inaccurate. Therefore, it should not be considered financial or legal advice.