How I found out I was dating a narcissist

As you might have guessed, a guy broke my heart into a million pieces a few months ago in a matter of seconds. How had my life turned into a dramatic movie scene, when the hero suddenly becomes the villain? The level of betrayal, deception, manipulation, and trauma was the worst experience of my life. I realised in that moment that this guy that I was falling in love with was a monster — or a narcissist or a psychopath. And as many of you know, I don’t use the label ‘narcissist’ or ‘psychopath’ lightly.

How did I find out?

Let’s start at the very beginning.

Act 1: The Beginning

I have been single for most of my life — apart from 2 bad relationships, I’ve mostly been a career focused person. So after a long dating drought of say 7 years, one night, I matched with a guy on a Bumble. Let’s call him Jim. We started chatting as you do. When we eventually met up for brunch, we clicked instantly. We’re both corporate lawyers (yep, 2nd highest profession full of psychopaths) and had heaps of mutual friends and colleagues. It felt like we’d known each other for ages.

Jim made me laugh with his silly stories, he told me he had recently broken up, was also staunchly against taking recreational drugs, he was extraordinarily smart, softly spoken and he paid for brunch. Amazingly, he even texted the next day to ask to see me again the next weekend. Wow, I thought. A guy who’s not flakey and takes initiative. What a hero.

We played tennis the next weekend. Jim told me that if I won our game of tennis, he’d shout me dinner. Turns out, he was a much worse tennis player than me. That was a huge plus (joking, of course). We had drinks afterwards for 6 hours. We just talked and talked, from ancient history to work issues to holiday plans in Europe.

Jim went to Europe for 5 weeks afterwards. But he kept in touch with me every day. We instagram messaged where he added me to his close friends list so I could see his Eurotrip stories. We spoke on the phone for hours when he listened and comforted me about my work problems. He even surprised me with sending a postcard from Monaco. Swoon.

He also invited me to his birthday party in a couple of months time. I was ecstatic. Finally a guy who was keen on having me around for more than a few dates!

Act II: The Dates

After 5 weeks of anticipation, Jim and I met for dinner and martinis the night after he came back from Europe. We talked like old friends for nearly 8 hours. Although Jim wasn’t conventionally good looking, I’d never felt this level of physical attraction and instant chemistry with anyone else before. He kissed me for the first time that night — a sweet, chaste kiss.

After the next 6 weeks or so, we went on a series of epic and fun dates, each lasting about 10 hours. Jim was up for anything I wanted to do. Salsa dancing, then home cooked dinner at his place. Outdoor cinema. Surfing, tennis, painting and more dinners. A wholesome day at home baking pastries. Clubbing with our friends. He even won me some adorable soft toys from the claw machine that we named after him. With his fun and easygoing personality, he made me feel alive again.

Jim was super affectionate, but also very respectful of my boundaries. I made it very clear to him that I wasn’t ready to sleep with him, and he never pushed. I asked him bluntly on our last date before his birthday party, if he was alright with us not sleeping together for a long time. He looked into my eyes so tenderly and whispered “yes”.

Even though we hadn’t made our relationship official yet, Jim made me feel very secure that we were heading towards a relationship. He said he was looking for a relationship, that he liked me too much to go on dates with anyone else, that he wasn’t seeing anyone else because he didn’t have time (when you’re billing 10 hours a day, I believe that) and that he wasn’t using Bumble anymore.

We were in constant daily contact —sending good morning, good night messages, mundane messages throughout the day, and funny memes. He was always consistent with his interest and attention, remembering every detail about me. There was no reason not to trust him.

There were times he’d look at me like he was memorising my face, with such tenderness that my heart jumped. I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, I think this guy is falling in love with me.’ One night while we were cuddling in bed, when I asked him what he liked most about me, he said “Can I be selfish and say it’s the way you make me feel? You make me feel so happy, calm, at peace and excited.”

Apart from being a funny guy, Jim had this special ability to make me feel so calm and secure when I was with him. He encouraged me to tell him what I needed and wanted from him, so I opened up about my insecurities. When I told him about my fear of abandonment, he pulled me closer to him and asked, “What can I do to make you feel more secure?” And then kudos to him, he did all the things that I wanted to help me feel more secure (ie consistent text messaging, certainty on when we were going to see each other next).

On our last date before his birthday party, I questioned him about his intentions and he said so sweetly, “I want you, Daisy.” I said, “Even if we’re just playing Monopoly Deal or chess or cards?” He said “Yes” and cuddled me closer. We fell asleep together in each other’s arms.

Act III: The Party

Jim’s birthday party was at a fancy French restaurant in the city on a Saturday night, organised months in advance, where he’d invited almost 60 friends and his family. I was excited and nervous at the same time. We had been dating for 3 months, and I hoped that perhaps he’d make it official that night or introduce me to his family. I got my hair done, and wore a special green dress. Little did I know that I was walking into a slaughterhouse.

The night started off pretty normally. Guests started piling in, and Jim greeted them. He wasn’t paying me much attention but I didn’t mind — he was the host of the party and he had to entertain his friends. But the problem was, that most of his friends were girls. And he wasn’t treating them like platonic friends. Jim was showering them with all the physical affection that he showed me on dates — the shoulder and back rubbing, hair stroking, hand holding. It made me feel sick in my stomach.

Jim’s friends noticed, and felt sorry for me. They said it was surprising to hear that we were dating, because Jim had barely spoken to me the whole night and hadn’t introduced me to his family. Ouch.

After the party, we made our way to Jim’s favourite club. Because I was already feeling so disheartened by his behaviour, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. But Jim squeezed my hand affectionately and insisted that I come with him and a group of his friends. While we were in the queue, Jim left me alone to go flirt with one of his ‘friends’, Mandy. He was touching her back and her hair and he looked like he wanted to devour her. I said nothing, but I felt queasy.

When we got in the club, another one of his female friends walked up to Jim. And kissed him on the mouth. I was standing about two feet away from them. Jim smirked and leaned into the kiss. After the kiss, I pulled him aside, in horror. “What are you doing, Jim?”

He stared at me straight in the eye and said angrily, “I wouldn’t do that if we were in a relationship. But we’re not in a relationship!” Wait, what? And then he said, “I didn’t appreciate how you called yourself ‘my girlfriend’ to my friends.” (Which I didn’t, I just told them we were ‘dating’).

Jim then tried to kiss me after this. Obviously I resisted (his mouth had been on another girl just seconds before!). I must have looked so distressed that one of Jim’s friends walked up to us and asked if I was ok. At that point, I decided to leave the club. I told him I felt mindfucked and that he had misrepresented to me about our ‘relationship’. Was he hooking up with girls at the club all along, while telling me that he wasn’t seeing anyone else?

His response? He said, “You’re not ready for a relationship and I feel like I’m going on the second date over and over again, and we can keep doing that until you’re ready.”

My heart broke then and there.

Was it because he was kissing another girl in front of me? Not at all — people make mistakes when they’re drunk but if they’re willing to apologise and show concern for the girl they’re dating, maybe it would be forgivable.

My heart broke because of his frightening lack of remorse, attempt to blame me for his behaviour and gaslight me about us not being in a ‘relationship’. What was his logic? Because I apparently told his friends that I was his girlfriend, he was on a mission to prove that he was single. Because I wasn’t sleeping with him, that meant it was never a relationship. It meant he was entitled to ‘get it’ from other sources while still dating me.

My heart broke when I realised that this was not the guy I fell in love with. This was a monster.

It wasn’t even about the justification of his behaviour via the loophole of being official vs not official girlfriend. This was about basic human decency. A normal person who liked me as much as he said he did, would not have behaved like that. It was like he had flipped a switch in his brain.

Act IV: The Finale

If the party wasn’t a showcase for Jim’s psychopathic behaviour, the morning after was. Jim’s friend, let’s call him Ted, called me that night after I left the party to console me. Ted told me that after I left, Jim ended up hooking up with Mandy, the main girl he’d been flirting the whole night with. Hookup Girl #2 while dating me. All in one night. Jim wasn’t a timewaster in collecting kisses.

I had to collect my stuff from Jim’s place the morning after. It was like Jim was playacting. He put on an exaggerated and comic display of hugging me and saying that he “felt bad” about what had happened at his party. But I could feel in my gut that he didn’t feel bad at all.

I was scared that he could become violent, so I stood outside his place and ended it in the most diplomatic way possible. I told him we were looking for different things (understatement of the year). He smiled, and said with a touch of irony and sarcasm, “Oh, you’re a sweet girl.”

And when Jim then asked me in a sign of classic lack of self awareness, “Wait, are we still playing tennis next weekend?” I lost it. “No, we’re not. I know you hooked up with Mandy last night,” I said. “What do you have to say about that?”

Jim went blank and stared at me with cold, dark eyes. People often say that psychopaths have a creepy intense stare. For the first time, I felt it. It gave me shivers down my spine. I actually felt frightened. In my life, no one else has ever looked at me in such a cold, dark way.

To dispel the cold silence, I said, “I was scared that Mandy would still be at your place right now.” And he smirked. He said, “No, you know me, I wouldn’t do that.” But I didn’t know him. Not one bit. To this day, I still don’t know if Mandy was there or not.

When we said goodbye, the trauma caused me to dissociate so much with my body, that I didn’t even realize he was holding my hand the whole time until he let go.

And there you have it. My happily never after. The worst experience of my life.

In the aftermath, I found out things about Jim that confirmed he had been lying to me about his substance abuse, his ability to stay faithful (he was always in open relationships), his previous criminal charges and even his sexuality. It makes me sick that I was lied to for the whole 3 months, and that the person I fell in love with never existed.

It’s a lesson learnt, that you never really know a person — even though we had so many mutual friends, we were in the same profession, he was adored by all his colleagues and friends, he was actually playacting with everyone.

Thank you for reading until the end. Some people (maybe of the older generation — sorry for being ageist) think that the path to healing is to keep yourself as busy as possible, so you have no time to dwell on your pain. While some of this is true, I think it’s also empowering and therapeutic to share your story. You need to let your feelings out, otherwise it gets stored in your body and in your subconscious, which isn’t healthy. So that’s why I’m doing this here. I’d also love to hear your stories too — please share.