How I Faced And Defeated My Fears

The pivotal moment was when I decided not to run away but to face them

I took my wife Gabrielle from her stroke rehab facility for a family Christmas lunch yesterday. She had another possible brain bleed three weeks ago and has been sleeping a lot. I know she was excited to catch up with her family and enjoy a homey environment.

I was a little stressed out the whole thing from helping Gabrielle dress, getting in and out of the mobility van, her energy level, and providing her with a lovely experience would hold up. I had to be present with Gabrielle enjoy the moment and not give in to fear.

While I pushed Gabrielle’s wheelchair to the front door, it turned into a departure gate! A few residents in wheelchairs were already lined up and waiting to be “departed”. It was like an airport waiting lounge. One mobility van after another lifting their passenger into the van. It was busy…

When our van arrived at Gabrielle’s sister’s place, her brother, my brother-in-law and Gabrielle’s nephews were ready to use their muscles to lift Gabrielle’s wheelchair.

Gabrielle could only whisper but I could tell she enjoyed herself among her family.

It was a lovely day.

After I read Liberty’s (Hope*Healing*Humour) prompt last week, I reflected on how fear has impacted my life.

A one-line summary would be:

A story full of struggles but with a good ending.

I struggled a long time with four fears; fear of rejection, fear of criticism, fear of failure and fear of water.

Fear of rejection

When I grew up I seldom received any verbal encouragement from my parents. It was not their fault. They did not know what they did not know. They did their best to provide for me.

Usually, what happened when I achieved something, or when someone praised me, they would explain that I was very average and my effort might be a fluke. This was their way of being modest. They have this not boasting or blowing their own horns in their value system. I understand too much pride is the beginning of a downfall but effective empowerment was what I needed most at the time.

So I always thought I was very average and could achieve nothing.

As my parents were busy trying to make ends meet, the way they protected me and my brother from mixing with the wrong crowds was trying to keep us staying at home as much as possible. So, I grew up lacking social skills and became a nerd.

I was no good at sports with bad coordination and had a small physique. School kids could be very cruel at times. I was called names, like “rubbish” when my schoolmates picked people for their teams. I dreaded playing team sports. I was not wanted.

After years of rejection and low self-esteem, I developed a fear of rejection.

The way to protect myself was to isolate myself. With minimal interactions with people, I would not be rejected. But I had to deal with the pain of loneliness. At the time the fear of rejection was so overwhelming that I felt safer being on my own.

Humans are social animals and are not meant to stay isolated.

Once I joined the workforce, my means of survival was to please people. I might be an easy target for manipulation and bullying but I had “friends”. I belonged to a group and was accepted.

But the price was too high. I sacrificed my self-esteem and had no idea of who I was.

Not until my health was seriously affected physically and mentally, did I decide to change. I had very bad irritable bowel syndrome with constant bowel pain and other symptoms that I could not function socially. The good news was colonoscopy revealed I had no cancer but my bowel pain lasted for a few years and I had to be on regular medication. I also had depression.

That was the darkest time of my life. I took a risk and talked to a few trusted people. They suggested I try exercising and enroll on a life coaching course.

I ran out of options and I had to try. I was back at the corner and had nothing to lose.

I picked up running. It started with a very short distance of about a mile. I felt good after completing a run. So I ran longer and longer to complete two marathon events in 2004. I never achieved anything remotely significant and that changed my view of what I could do.

My mental health and physical health improved. Instead of wasting my weekends staying in bed until the afternoon, I went out to exercise at dawn. I also picked up cycling completed a few road cycling events, and met a few new friends.

I completed a life coaching course that taught me heaps of life skills. I got very curious with personal growth and became “addicted” to self-help books, a better kind of addiction.

As my confidence improved and acquired more life skills, I changed my view that no woman would like me. I enjoyed hanging out with my running and cycling friends. I met a few ladies through friends. I was pretty happy to hang around to get to know them. All the them had no mutual romantic connection but that was fine. Until one time, at my least expected, I met Gabrielle. We connected almost instantly at a group dinner after a personal growth seminar. We dated for three years before we got married.

In my business, I turned around 180 degrees from dreading to meet our customers eighteen years ago to now charging at full speed at customer relationship building. Many customers turned into personal friends. I see them as people more than business transactions. They have their fair share of pains, problems and triumphs. I enjoy hearing their stories and sharing fun activities with them, running, going to movies, attending concerts, and special occasions like weddings and birthday functions. Sometimes it could be just hanging out for a coffee at cafes or each other’s homes.

It was quite a long journey to find out, like and love who I am. In life, it is impossible to please everyone. People have different values and we may not get along. The key is to understand and accept that we can get along with some but not all people. Our self-worth is not built on people’s acceptance but on our knowing and loving of who we are.

I am free.

Fear of criticism

With my low self-esteem, my perception of criticism became a personal attack. From my survival toolbox back then, the best way to avoid my fear of criticism was not to voice any opinion, “silence is golden”.

It might be true sometimes to hold my tongue before I put a foot in my mouth. But there were times I needed to voice my opinion, to set boundaries, and to contribute.

I remember many times my previous business partner said on a few occasions that I was like a church mouse in business meetings.

It took me a while to understand people do value my opinion and I am part of the team. I needed to participate.

I changed and I earned their and my respect.

Fear of failure

I am not a smart man. I do work hard. I grew up in Hong Kong. At the time I was told to study hard and focus on my academic achievement. A good result equated to going to university (only 10% of people could get in at the time), a good job waiting for me, then a house, a wife, a family, and a comfortable life. That was the formula and purpose.

Once I got into senior high school I discovered there was more to life than studying. I was a very slow learner and the school syllabus was like a university course. I found it too hard and I fell behind. In my final year public examination, I barely passed and I would not be able to get into any university. My parents were devastated. My mom cried for days. I felt so ashamed and decided to find a part-time job to fund my repeat attempts at the public examination.

In my young adult mind, failing this examination meant the loss of all hope in living and life purpose. I had to do well to put good grades on the scorecard to join the “club”.

My exam results were much better this time and I was accepted to complete a medical laboratory science diploma in a polytechnic institute. But completing a degree was my goal and I was planning to go to New Zealand. My results got accepted by a New Zealand university and I made my way to study abroad.

I discovered something very foreign. People were more relaxed in New Zealand. There was more to life than books. In my first university year, I learned to play cricket and skiing, and still managed to have good grades. I met many people and had lots of fun.

An important lesson that I learned from my failing in my public exam was failure is part of learning. I learned very little from my successes. I learned better from failures. Failures would bring pain and pain taught me to change my approach.

I don’t enjoy failing but I accept failure is part of life. Until I learned I would keep making the same mistake.

I see failure not as my enemy but as a friend.

Fear of water

I did not know how to swim. Although I never had any drowning experience I would not go near water.

I did not go out that much when I was growing up. When I moved to New Zealand, it was a different story. New Zealand is surrounded by ocean and water activities are an integral part of life.

There are so many nice beaches and lakes here but I would not dare to go and even take a boat ride.

Not until one day, I volunteered at an Ironman triathlon event in 2009, at Taupo, New Zealand. I was captivated and inspired by how these athletes were out there swimming 2.4 miles, biking 112 miles and running a full marathon 26 miles. They came in all shapes and sizes. There were hundreds of volunteers and thousands of supporters on the course cheering for these amazing athletes.

When they crossed the finish line, the emotion and atmosphere brought every human being together. We no longer had boundaries but shared the same human spirit of helping these athletes to cross the finish line.

I wanted to experience that but my fear of water got in the way. It took me three/four years to overcome my water phobia to learn to swim. Thanks to my dedicated support crew I completed my Ironman triathlon in 2012.

When I got married in 2018, our honeymoon was a nine-day ocean cruise around New Zealand. I would never have chosen that if I did not know how to swim.

The funny thing is my wife is a water baby and she loves to swim. So guess what our pleasure fun times were, going to the beach and ocean cruising.

I lived with fear for a long time and was glad that I chose to face them. It was not easy to unlearn what I learned. I took time but at last, I am free from my fears. Some of those still come back to tempt me but I know I am the one who gives fear power. When I feel like I am going backward I use my past journeys to remind myself not to give in.

Fear of rejection — Not everybody would like me and this is fine. I know who I am and I love myself.

Fear of criticism — I voice my opinion to contribute.

Fear of failure — I learned from my failure and change. Failure is my friend.

Fear of water — I know how to swim and I am an Ironman triathlete

I encourage you to face your fear and NOT run away from it. If things are too challenging it is important to seek professional help. These people are experts in their fields. As I am dealing with my grief and facing my wife’s deteriorating health, my psychologist gave me very helpful tools to help me stay mentally strong and healthy to help my wife.

All the best to you and thank you so much for reading.

Please do feel free to read my friend David Weldy’s article. He is a gentleman with a kind heart.