How I Escape the Soul of My Darkness

To Receive The Gift of Hope

Life never hands out things that you can’t handle. How you approach it will determine how you get through to the other side. Looking back, I realised that what I went through, what you are probably going through, every struggle, pain, or hardship, is actually a “wrapped” gift. It is a gift because it is in the struggle that I was brought to my knees, where I questioned the purpose of my life. And to decide whether I should end it.

Has darkness become your friend?

Doubts and fears grow inside you

As confidence disappeared in silence.

Soon the light is embraced by the dark

And you can feel the cold darkness

In the middle of the night.

Tears swell up in your eyes

Blinding you to the dimming light

As warmth shrinks in your soul.

Are you willing to let go of the light?

I was never prepared for the single parenthood so abruptly thrust on me after my wife and I lost the 2-year protracted painful battle over her cancer. She left me our beloved Timothy, then only 5 years old, as the constant reminder of our love, and whose welfare provided the only sane pillar of reference as I plunged head-on the journey into the Soul of darkness.

Thinking back, it was important to enter the Soul of your darkness to confront the dark of life. The greatest privilege of living is to be brought to your knees, and to the brink of life. At the edge separating this world and whatever next, I once paused to stare into the future and confronted the Truth in its natural, dark nakedness. The purpose of life was never clearer — LIFE HAS NO PURPOSE. I was and had always been alone. This Truth shall set me free.

Only once in your life would you find yourself in that dark place. You will have only 2 options — Quit or Enter. Darkness wins when you quit. The only way is to plunge into the Darkness with the last gram of your energy. As I ready myself for the final journey, as I stare into it intensely, at that dark area just between my eyes, the Darkness will stir, slowly as first before suddenly coming alive. Behold, the Darkness stares back. And Yes, it is ALIVE. I shudder. Hesitate. If Darkness were indeed alive, then there is Hope, maybe, and perhaps another Future, probably. Can there be a Future beyond Hope? On the other side of the Dark? Possibly, I wonder.

I brace myself, grit my teeth, clench my fists, and position myself for that leap into the Darkness. Holding my breath, I launched. Eyes opened, hands formed an inverted-V, my lips sealed, and with my tongue tasting the sweetness of my saliva, I zip through the seeming endless worm-hole of the Dark … waiting anxiously to reach bottom, or the other side, or anywhere, and nowhere. Panic sets in quickly. Regrets, fears, anxieties, and loneliness gripped me. I wanted to turn back. Too late. “That option is not available, little man”, a soft voice bellowed.

At first, you see only a pin-dot. You rubbed your eyes, took a deep breath, opened them, and saw again that little light-hole at the distance so far, far away. There is light at the end of the tunnel, so you think. What tunnel? Is it an oncoming train? The mind jokes. The light grows bigger, a port-hole now. As soon as it began, it became quickly larger like a man-hole big enough to enter, or emerge. And before you can think, the Light expanded to envelop then to embrace you, and you race right through into it.

Before me, the world looks different now 20 years on. The darkness did not kill me then. Neither did it make me stronger. It led me through into the Light, again. Not the Old Light. Only different this time around, the Darkness has stripped me of the delusions and superstitions of philosophies, man-made truths, myths, folklore, and religions. Gone are the immutable sense of the surroundings, of temporal acclaims, of meaningless awards, of empty crowns and superficial relationships. Victories and disappointments are revealed as imposters, and the Gods and their gods become basically immaterial and irrelevant to existence.

I did not become stronger. At the onset, I already had the courage not to take my own life. I took the next best way out of this Life, and opted to challenge the pretentious Darkness. My journey into and through the Soul of my Darkness yielded one valuable lesson — no one returns from the Darkness. Only the light of Truth awaits all who dare to enter and go through it.

Only the Truth matters now. It has been a while since I engaged the Soul of my Darkness. That Darkness has moved on, never to return. Today, I only walk in the light of Truth which illuminates my understanding into all things temporal and impermanent. What a wonderful and profitable feeling!

I wish you bon voyage on your bold journey into the Soul of your darkness. Hope we shall meet again, on the other side.

On a new cycle of my life

Living in the light of Truth;

A life by choice, not by chance,

Listening only to my inner voice,

Not the random thoughts of others;

I continue relentlessly in the pursuit of Truth

Beyond conflated myths, facts, and fiction,

To discover the true faith that bridges there to here.

Spiritually awakened, my faith has strengthened

To debunk unbelief and disbelief,

Letting knowledge and wisdom

Overcome delusions & illusions;

Discovering happiness by sharing joy

And well-being with others,

Giving love without expectations of return,

Being grateful for everything and anything,

As life’s journey continues

Beyond the darkness in my soul.

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