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Abstract

t out of my head. It was an unwanted thought that plagued me at the most inconvenient of times and was doing my head in.One morning, I woke up and as usual there was a big obsessive thought booming in my head, ‘Go to the retreat’. It was so bloody annoying, I contacted Rachael and booked onto the retreat just to shut it up. I rationalized that I could always back out later.By this point, the trip was only a few months away. Rachael had sent me a list of things I needed to take with me. In magic synchronicity, every time I went shopping for things I needed, there it would be, at the front with a big reduced sticker on. The universe was throwing things at me to get me to go.I arrived at the retreat, calm and relaxed as the entire planning and journey had gone inexplicably smoothly. I was pleased there was a lovely group of people to ‘journey’ with and we all connected pretty quickly.Several of us were doing Ayahuasca for the first time, but I was the only one who was an absolute psychedelic novice. The other group members were amazed that I was starting with Ayahuasca as it was such powerful, strong medicine. What could I say? I hadn’t exactly been given a choice.So, the time came, the ceremony had started and it was my turn to drink. I was terrified, convinced I would lose my mind. The main concern was that I had left my (adult) son and dog at home and if anything happened to me, they would be left without a mum. The facilitators assured me this wasn’t possible and they would look after me throughout, but I was still terrified. I bit the bullet and downed the disgusting-tasting substance. Unlike the others who had drank before me and were not yet reporting any effects, I felt it almost instantly.I had the urge to lie down as my body had started dissolving. I put my hand underneath the mattress I was lying on to feel the concrete floor to reassure myself I wasn’t actually dissolving. I felt like my body had turned into a foamy, plasticine like material, and I had to fight the urge not to put my hands behind my head, convinced if I did, my body would roll up like a yoga mat. This stuff is strange.My body became incredibly still. I cannot explain how still it was as there are no words. I couldn’t move at all; not even my little finger. This was scary but I reminded myself that I had taken a substance that would eventually metabolise. I couldn’t feel my heart beating and wasn’t even aware of any breathing. I considered the possibility I might be dead.I recalled the mechanism of breathing; lower the diaphragm to expand the lungs and inhale, release the breath, and allow the ribs to contract to exhale. I followed this pattern for a while genuinely believing that without me consciously doing this, I would not breathe at all. I rationalised that I couldn’t be dead if I was forcing myself to breathe. The stillness made me aware of where there were problem areas in my body. They were highlighted like a buoy in the night to alert me to what areas need work. I made a mental note.After some time in the stillness, Mother Ayahuasca came to greet me and stayed for the rest of the ceremony. She was a gorgeous, feminine presence and a bit like the Good Witch from ‘The Wizard of Oz’. In fact, at times, her face was o

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n the ceiling of the cabin just like in the film.She took me to a forest where she told me a lot of truths about my life… and a lot of lies I had been told by other people about the nature of myself and life which were simply not true. It was a massive reassurance that a lot of bullshit I had been fed by other people was simply just that. She told me that she had sent Rachael to come and get me as I was far off the life track I should have been on, and that’s why she called me in. She confirmed what I already knew. I did not choose Ayahuasca, she chose me.I was now through to the latter stages of the trip, and the cabin became the most beautiful holographic hexagons reflecting the most amazing colors I have ever seen. I was in absolute awe of what colors actually look like recognising the impossibility that I would never be able to tell my loved ones what color actually is. The hexagons were a bit like that silver film that changes color when you change the angle, but 1000 times more vibrant and vivid. Simply incredible.At this point, I became very aware that normal human perception is only a tiny fraction of what is actually going on. To my right in the top corner I could see these big massive eyelashes whooshing open and closed like you would see on a stereotypical film of what a trip is like. I managed to have the presence of mind to acknowledge I was having a clique trip. (The eyelashes turned out to be just a bit of fabric by an open window moving with the breeze).Eventually and gradually, things became back to normal. I managed to move my leg which was a bit of a relief as I hadn’t been able to move at all for around 5 hours at this point. It took a bit longer for my vision to become completely normal, and I was well aware it would take me years to process all that had happened.One by one each participant came back to the normal realm, each of us having vastly different experiences. We spent the rest of the night discussing the incredible journey we had been on. Throughout the weekend there were many integration activities designed to find the messages of the trip, however, I was well aware, not only was the rest of my life changed forever, the whole of my life was changed. I had now seen behind the veil and there would be no going back.For those of you who are tempted… Ayahuasca is neither addictive nor dangerous, but you are opening Pandoras Box. Once you have seen, you cannot un-see, you cannot un-know; and for me, now I am on the path, there is no really getting off it. Not that I want to at the moment. I am very grateful for what Ayahuasca has done for me. The path of my life has changed from the experience and I will never again tolerate toxic people or situations after what she told me. I feel like life is now far more interesting and exciting than I thought possible.Since the first experience, without planning or intention, I dropped certain people, and situations I had been tolerating and instead, started attending psychedelic integration groups and activities. To my eternal gratitude, I have met some really wonderful people and had some crazy fabulous, experiences since. I’ve met some genuine friends and fellow psychonauts.I feel like I have found my people. Thankyou Ayahuasca.</article></body>

How I Ended Up in a Cabin in Spain, Drinking Ayahuasca.

Honestly, I’m as surprised as anyone about it.

I was in my mid-forties and like a lot of people, settled into life with an ok job, enough money to pay the bills; life interjected with yoga retreats, and occasional holidays. Comfortable but a bit boring.

A strange turn of events started with me watching a documentary on Netflix called DMT: The Spirit Molecule, which was about the therapeutic benefits of DMT and Ayahuasca.

I was intrigued by this for many reasons, not least the fact that I had always been led to believe all drugs are bad. I was a teenager during the ’80s with Grange Hill’s ‘Just Say No’ campaign. Police would do presentations in our school warning that strangers would give you free heroin (or smack as it was called in those days) to get you hooked so you would be forced into a life of crime to pay for the habit. And as for LSD… one bad trip could see you in the psychiatric ward for the rest of your life. Drugs were bad, and would ruin your life was the message.

So, except for the obligatory dabble at university, I had a drug free life. Illegal drugs that was. I was more than partial to a glass of red wine and had eventually beaten a 20+ year battle with nicotine addiction.

It was fascination that first got me interested in DMT and Ayahuasca. A drug, or medicine as they more correctly call it, that is not only non-addictive, it could also have positive life-changing benefits. This was a surprise and challenged all my previous beliefs. There was also though, the warning that you could have a horrendous, awful time, plus I believed it was only available in Peru. I put it on my possible long-term bucket list. Something I may do in the very far future if circumstances allow.

Who knew destiny had other plans for me, and in just a matter of months I would be on a plane going to take part in a plant medicine ceremony.

Not long after watching the documentary, I attended an outdoor yoga class where there were only a few participants. I got chatting to a woman called Rachael who told me she was a Shaman, and was holding a retreat in Spain in the near future for the participants to take Ayahuasca, magic mushrooms, and San Pedro.

Well, here’s a coincidence I thought. I’ve only just heard of these plant medicines and here I am being offered to take part in a ceremony. I declined as it just seemed too wacky and preposterous for me to do. Plus I believed at this stage I would never have the nerve to drink psychedelics. Just too scary for me. Wrong again, it turned out.

Rachael later added me as a friend on Facebook which I thought was strange as I never gave her my full name, and I use an alias anyway. How she found me I will never know. I accepted as she is a friendly, interesting woman and I thought I had things in common with her.

She advertised the retreat shortly after, and while I thought it looked amazing, I dismissed the idea. Strange forces were now at play though as I couldn’t get the idea of the retreat out of my head. It was an unwanted thought that plagued me at the most inconvenient of times and was doing my head in.

One morning, I woke up and as usual there was a big obsessive thought booming in my head, ‘Go to the retreat’. It was so bloody annoying, I contacted Rachael and booked onto the retreat just to shut it up. I rationalized that I could always back out later.

By this point, the trip was only a few months away. Rachael had sent me a list of things I needed to take with me. In magic synchronicity, every time I went shopping for things I needed, there it would be, at the front with a big reduced sticker on. The universe was throwing things at me to get me to go.

I arrived at the retreat, calm and relaxed as the entire planning and journey had gone inexplicably smoothly. I was pleased there was a lovely group of people to ‘journey’ with and we all connected pretty quickly.

Several of us were doing Ayahuasca for the first time, but I was the only one who was an absolute psychedelic novice. The other group members were amazed that I was starting with Ayahuasca as it was such powerful, strong medicine. What could I say? I hadn’t exactly been given a choice.

So, the time came, the ceremony had started and it was my turn to drink. I was terrified, convinced I would lose my mind. The main concern was that I had left my (adult) son and dog at home and if anything happened to me, they would be left without a mum. The facilitators assured me this wasn’t possible and they would look after me throughout, but I was still terrified. I bit the bullet and downed the disgusting-tasting substance. Unlike the others who had drank before me and were not yet reporting any effects, I felt it almost instantly.

I had the urge to lie down as my body had started dissolving. I put my hand underneath the mattress I was lying on to feel the concrete floor to reassure myself I wasn’t actually dissolving. I felt like my body had turned into a foamy, plasticine like material, and I had to fight the urge not to put my hands behind my head, convinced if I did, my body would roll up like a yoga mat. This stuff is strange.

My body became incredibly still. I cannot explain how still it was as there are no words. I couldn’t move at all; not even my little finger. This was scary but I reminded myself that I had taken a substance that would eventually metabolise. I couldn’t feel my heart beating and wasn’t even aware of any breathing. I considered the possibility I might be dead.

I recalled the mechanism of breathing; lower the diaphragm to expand the lungs and inhale, release the breath, and allow the ribs to contract to exhale. I followed this pattern for a while genuinely believing that without me consciously doing this, I would not breathe at all. I rationalised that I couldn’t be dead if I was forcing myself to breathe. The stillness made me aware of where there were problem areas in my body. They were highlighted like a buoy in the night to alert me to what areas need work. I made a mental note.

After some time in the stillness, Mother Ayahuasca came to greet me and stayed for the rest of the ceremony. She was a gorgeous, feminine presence and a bit like the Good Witch from ‘The Wizard of Oz’. In fact, at times, her face was on the ceiling of the cabin just like in the film.

She took me to a forest where she told me a lot of truths about my life… and a lot of lies I had been told by other people about the nature of myself and life which were simply not true. It was a massive reassurance that a lot of bullshit I had been fed by other people was simply just that. She told me that she had sent Rachael to come and get me as I was far off the life track I should have been on, and that’s why she called me in. She confirmed what I already knew. I did not choose Ayahuasca, she chose me.

I was now through to the latter stages of the trip, and the cabin became the most beautiful holographic hexagons reflecting the most amazing colors I have ever seen. I was in absolute awe of what colors actually look like recognising the impossibility that I would never be able to tell my loved ones what color actually is. The hexagons were a bit like that silver film that changes color when you change the angle, but 1000 times more vibrant and vivid. Simply incredible.

At this point, I became very aware that normal human perception is only a tiny fraction of what is actually going on. To my right in the top corner I could see these big massive eyelashes whooshing open and closed like you would see on a stereotypical film of what a trip is like. I managed to have the presence of mind to acknowledge I was having a clique trip. (The eyelashes turned out to be just a bit of fabric by an open window moving with the breeze).

Eventually and gradually, things became back to normal. I managed to move my leg which was a bit of a relief as I hadn’t been able to move at all for around 5 hours at this point. It took a bit longer for my vision to become completely normal, and I was well aware it would take me years to process all that had happened.

One by one each participant came back to the normal realm, each of us having vastly different experiences. We spent the rest of the night discussing the incredible journey we had been on. Throughout the weekend there were many integration activities designed to find the messages of the trip, however, I was well aware, not only was the rest of my life changed forever, the whole of my life was changed. I had now seen behind the veil and there would be no going back.

For those of you who are tempted… Ayahuasca is neither addictive nor dangerous, but you are opening Pandoras Box. Once you have seen, you cannot un-see, you cannot un-know; and for me, now I am on the path, there is no really getting off it. Not that I want to at the moment. I am very grateful for what Ayahuasca has done for me. The path of my life has changed from the experience and I will never again tolerate toxic people or situations after what she told me. I feel like life is now far more interesting and exciting than I thought possible.

Since the first experience, without planning or intention, I dropped certain people, and situations I had been tolerating and instead, started attending psychedelic integration groups and activities. To my eternal gratitude, I have met some really wonderful people and had some crazy fabulous, experiences since. I’ve met some genuine friends and fellow psychonauts.

I feel like I have found my people. Thankyou Ayahuasca.