How I Discovered the Secret to Giving Feedback in the Workplace
Here’s how to talk to your employees so they actually change their behavior
My first real corporate job was at a fantastic company for training and development. Well, maybe more passionate than fantastic. I remember when they tried to teach us about trust. We lined up in the hall.
They blindfolded all but one of us. We each put a hand on the shoulder of the person in front of us. Then had the leader, who wasn’t part of the blind-folded conga line, talked us through the halls of the building. “Trust” didn’t make it past the training room.
They taught us about Dr W. Edwards Deming, a famous management guru. He spent years in Japan and brought back to the US total quality management philosophies. He used statistical quality control methods to drive continuous improvement. These methods were the one thing the company actually taught and used religiously.
They trained us on how to receive “the gift of feedback.” We were called to the front of the room one at a time and handed a wrapped gift. Then someone else told us, well, something.
All I really remember was holding this beautifully wrapped empty box in front of 50 strangers. I don’t remember them teaching us when or how to give feedback; we were supposed to receive it graciously.
The resulting culture was exhausting. Change was rampant. Feedback was constant. We were always striving for better, and we weren’t shy about pushing each other more and more. The company was wildly successful, but it had a hard time retaining employees for more than 3–5 years.
I’m surprised we lasted that long. I took those ideas and behaviors with me to my next jobs. As an individual contributor, they helped me gain a lot of promotions very quickly. I was constantly seeking out problems that no one else was solving. And I was willing to exhaust myself to fix them.
And then, I was promoted to a management role. I soon recognized that my constant need to improve everything as fast as possible was exhausting people. My willingness to give “the gift of feedback” was frustrating them. My intent was simply to improve things. But my feedback was demotivating and frustrating for many people. I had a lot to unlearn and relearn about feedback.
The Three Keys
Over the years, I’ve experimented with a lot of ideas and tested a lot of research on providing feedback. Some worked. Much of it failed. Sometimes, the failures were comical.
I remember trying something once that was very scripted, and very out of character for me. The person first watched me quizzically, then smirked, and eventually laughed out loud. Fortunately, I always tested things first with people I knew, liked, and trusted. It ended up being a moment that we laughed about a lot later.
After all that trial and error, three things worked:
- You don’t need to provide feedback on everything.
- The word feedback is triggering. Stop using it.
- Positive feedback should be several multiples more frequent than constructive feedback.
You don’t need to provide feedback on everything.
As a new manager, I felt that I had a lot to prove. I didn’t have the Ivy League education or the family connections that a lot of the people I worked with did. (It turns out those are things you can build. And I did. But at the time, it was a real Imposter Syndrome driver for me.)
With a lot to prove, I saw potential improvements everywhere. In the arrogance of youth, I just assumed that no one else saw them, so obviously, it was my job to point them out.
When constantly changing, everything didn’t work, so I studied change management. I discovered John Kotter’s work and realized that change is hard for most people.
These days, when I see something that could be better, I don’t automatically point it out. First, I look for what’s going well and what the current priorities are. If it fits, great. Otherwise, unless the new thing is damaging to the company or customers, it goes on a list for later.
Having the right metrics in place will help here too. You should be monitoring a standard set of data-backed expectations. If something is wrong, these metrics provide the feedback for you. You can simply say, “this number is below our expectations, what do you think is happening?”. (If you don’t know what numbers to track, you can start with this article.
Tip for senior executives: your teams are already working on something. They probably don’t have extra time. If at all possible, stick with the current priorities until they are finished. When your people bring up new ideas, explain why the current priorities go first. Show them how to capture the idea for later. Teach them to focus and finish.
Stop using the word “feedback.”
Feedback is that screeching noise you hear when a microphone gets too close to a conflicting component in the same system. Nothing you want to hear.
Some synonyms for feedback: criticism; critique; assessment. All have negative connotations.
Ask any one of your employees, “can I give you some feedback?” and watch their body language. Their spine straightens, their pulse quickens, they go pale. The very word triggers the acute stress response. You may know it as the fight or flight response.
Not exactly a gift-receiving state of mind. For someone to hear advice and respond effectively, they have to be in a position to hear it. Even giving them warning won’t help. It just gives them longer to worry about what the feedback will be.
The alternative words/phrases for feedback
Instead of asking to provide feedback, just say “can we talk for a minute?”. Once you are in a safe space, just ask “how do you think that went?”, or anything that gets them to talk first.
If they made a mistake, it’s highly likely they already know. As a manager, your job is to get them to talk about it out loud, and to help them think through how to fix it or do it better next time.
If they don’t see what you saw, then “Can I give you my opinion?” is an easier way to lead into a difficult conversation. Other options:
- I’m looking at this report you did. Can you help me understand how you did this part?
- I noticed you seemed really frustrated on that call. Can you tell me about it?
- It seems like you and your coworker aren’t working together very well. How do you think it’s going?
By starting with a question that seeks out their opinion, you open a conversation instead of lecturing. And don’t forget, you could be wrong. A question gives you the information you need.
Provide positive feedback much more often.
People appreciate praise. If the only time they hear from you is when they have to change, everything you say sounds like criticism. If anyone ever says, “what did I do wrong now?”, you know you have an imbalance. By the time they say that out loud though, the imbalance is almost unrecoverable.
Studies estimate the precise amount of positive to negative praise is 5 to 1. (Warning — the primary study most often cited is not considered good research. While the precise number remains unknown, no one disputes the general findings. More positive feedback than negative is beneficial.)
By having a positive praise environment, you increase trust, likability, believability, and acceptance. If you have someone in your life who thinks you can do no wrong, their feedback when you do slip is indisputable. Plus, you want to earn that praise again, so you try to correct the behavior. Some people may thrive in environments where it’s a challenge to earn a good word. Most people don’t. They simply get tired of trying and leave.
Changing your levels of praise is a difficult behavior change. We often provide feedback, positive and constructive, without realizing we’ve done it. I challenge you to track for a week the number of times you catch someone doing something right. It’s often more difficult than you think.
You may have to change other behaviors to find the opportunities. By tracking, you’ll find out quickly if you are present enough for your team. You can’t be an absent, uninvolved manager and see when good things happen.
I don’t mean superficial comments. “Nice shirt” isn’t good enough. To be effective, positive praise should be:
- Specific: Not “good job today”. More like “You presented that problem very effectively today. You had the relevant data and showed it in a simple way so everyone could see where we had to change”.
- Meaningful: Not “good donuts this morning”. More like “Thanks for having that impromptu get together for the team this morning. They’ve been working hard to get the backlogs down. I’m glad you celebrated their progress, and with donuts!”.
- Timely: Not an annual performance conversation. The same or next day after something happens.
One of the best things about positive praise is that it can be done publicly. Constructive feedback should always be done in private.
But positive praise can be given openly, with incredible side benefits. Other employees see that people are recognized when they do good things. This creates a virtuous cycle where they will try to do the same things to get the same praise.
Be consistent in what you recognize. Share praise equally and fairly. By publicly rewarding behavior, it becomes a force multiplier.
The way forward
Now, I no longer “give the gift of feedback.” Instead, I create environments where positive contributions are recognized and rewarded. When something needs improvement, it happens through conversations and collaboration. And because we track the right metrics, the problem is usually recognized by multiple people.
I also role model, asking for feedback on a regular basis. Feedback is important, especially for managers who don’t receive it often enough. High performers especially want feedback on how they can improve.
They want to do better, to move up, to be more recognized. Help them learn to ask for feedback instead of waiting for it. Teach them to critique their own work and ask for other opinions. Show them how you seek out feedback and create your own learning.
You can work hard and continuously improve without wearing people out. Create an environment where catching people doing something well is just as important as fixing problems. Start with positivity.
Ready to accept the challenge to see how much positive feedback you really provide? I created this tracker for you. Use it for a week to see how often you are reinforcing positive behavior. Aim for 2–4 per employee for a week. Let me know how you did at [email protected]. Good luck!
Thanks for reading. If this is helpful or interesting to you, I’d appreciate your feedback. Please add a comment below or contact me at [email protected].
