How I Dealt With a Bully

It’s not easy standing up to intimidation in the workplace but what I learned is invaluable

I know that when I feel resistance to something, it’s time to lean into it and do the thing.

I’ve been procrastinating about doing some work in The Self-Esteem Workbook that my therapist suggested, so I knew it was time to get stuck in.

I’m glad I did because I’m reminded about American psychologist Albert Ellis’s ABC theory. It goes like this:

A: the activating (or upsetting) event

B: the belief (or automatic thoughts) that I tell myself about A

C: the consequences (or feelings like worthlessness or depression)

If I use this way of looking at the things that mess me up, I can start to see what’s really going on — and it’s all about me!

The reference to Ellis’s ABC model is in Chapter 5 of Dr Glenn R. Schiraldi’s excellent workbook, which is titled Recognize and Replace Self-Defeating Thoughts. And it got me to thinking about a time I experienced bullying in the workplace.

Right from the get-go, this colleague belittled me by saying things like, “Are you sure you should even be working here?”

It was all about power and control.

She even got another of our colleagues to do her dirty work for her and write a letter of complaint about me to the manager (this other colleague later apologised, saying it had been a mistake to write the letter under pressure from the bully).

The truth is I allowed her to bully me.

My boundaries were non-existent. My self-esteem was so lacking that I didn’t have the language to call her out.

My belief in response to her intimidation was that perhaps she was right: I was hopeless and not cut out for the job. Such was my lack of self-esteem that I became depressed and angry and feared going to work each day, bracing myself for the next onslaught.

It was as if she knew what she was doing because immediately afterwards, she’d flip and become all nice and sweet and win me back over again. I’d forgive her and so when the next time came around, I’d be vulnerable and consequently wounded all over again.

It was a vicious cycle that went on for years. I’d weep and wail to the boss who seemed incapable of doing anything.

After about six years of this, my boss said: ‘You can either carry on like this or do something.’ Another colleague suggested writing an email to my managers and ask for mediation.

I remembered how this had worked really well years before in another job where my tormentor was the boss, who then graciously apologised, seemingly ignorant of his behaviour, and we got on really well after that.

Disaster

Eventually the date for mediation came around — and it was a complete disaster. My colleague fought the process all the way, denying everything. When she asked for specific examples of the bullying I had experienced, I put my case and she would feign memory loss. At one stage she gave a half-hearted apology, but all in all the mediation process left me feeling bereft and the situation unresolved.

Then a couple of months later the bully resigned. I felt vindicated.

A colleague later told me that I’d been a catalyst for changing the culture of the workplace. I was gob-smacked that my actions had brought about such an extreme change.

Finally, I felt safe going in to work each day and the whole team seemed to work more effectively (I hadn’t been the only one).

Instead of putting up with her slings and arrows over the years, I wished I’d called time way earlier.

If my self-esteem had been tickety-boo in the first place I would’ve found the language to say, ‘I’m not going to allow this.’

I’m proud of my tenacity in not doing what I would’ve done in years gone by and simply resign; I toughed it out and luckily found the solution in the end.

But not tolerating her shit was hard and because I didn’t believe in myself enough, I didn’t have the language to say, ‘Enough already.’

With the benefit of hindsight, I could have recognized that I was well-qualified for the job (in fact more qualified than she was), I was good at what I did, and believed in myself.

Rather than taking it, I might have been able to say to myself: I’m not putting up with her shit! And demanded mediation way earlier.

The subject of self-esteem is a whole new ballgame for me and I love learning, so when I can get over myself and do the work, it’s very illuminating.

I’m pretty sure that if the same thing happens again, I’ll have the internal resources to be able to recognize that I’m a worthwhile person and deserve respect.

The plan is that this work will also inform me so that I can make better choices in the boyfriend department and not allow unavailable men to coerce me into bad relationships.

Well, that’s the plan, anyway. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for reading!

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