Summary

The author, a receptionist in Toronto, improved her strained relationship with her nit-picky boss, Alan, by adopting a new perspective and finding common ground through shared interests, ultimately transforming his attitude towards her.

Abstract

The author recounts her experience with a difficult boss named Alan, who was known for his pedantic nature and high expectations. Initially, their interactions were fraught with criticism and dissatisfaction on Alan's part. Prompted by her father's advice, the author decided to shift her mindset, aiming to understand Alan's perspective and react more positively towards him. This change in approach was marked by a warm greeting and a genuine interest in engaging with Alan, which surprised him and began to soften his demeanor. The turning point came when the author discovered a shared passion for travel with Alan, particularly their mutual experiences in Paris. This connection led to a series of positive interactions, including book exchanges and weekly conversations, which significantly improved their relationship and made the author's work environment more pleasant.

Opinions

The author initially held a negative view of Alan due to his critical nature and unrealistic standards.
The author's father suggested empathy and understanding as tools to better handle interactions with Alan.
The author believed that finding common interests could bridge the gap between her and Alan, which proved to be successful.
Alan's behavior and attitude towards the author changed for the better once they established a rapport based on shared experiences and interests.
The author feels empowered by the transformation of her relationship with Alan, emphasizing the power of the mind and proactive behavior in changing interpersonal dynamics.

How I Changed Someone…With The Power Of My Mind!

Okay, it’s not as science fiction as it sounds.

I used to have a boss who didn’t like me.

I’ve had a few to be fair. But this story is about a particular boss and how I changed his mind about me. And it started with my own change of mind.

This boss, let’s call him Alan, did not like me. He was my boss’ boss, and didn’t hire me (he wouldn’t have if given the opportunity). He was more of a regional manager and used to visit our office about once a week.

This was many years ago when I was a receptionist in Toronto.

Alan was pedantic. Nit-picky. He would pick up on the slightest mistake and then make me feel bad about it. He seems to look for ways to criticize me.

I wasn’t the only one. A few of us felt this way.

He would check the filing cabinet to make sure the files were in alphabetical order…his decision. Even though in this particular filing cabinet the files should have been organized by date, I digress.

He’d look at my desk and run his finger along it to see if there was any dust…not my job to dust by the way, that was up to the cleaners. But if he did find dust he’d frown at me and point it out.

Canva AI. Not an accurate representation of my desk. I just think this is what Alan thought it looked like.

He was a perfectionist and expected all of us to reach his high standards.

I’m not a perfectionist and fell far short of them.

I was complaining about him one day to my dear old Dad, who was very wise and gave great advice.

He told me instead of trying to reach Alan’s impossible standards, to try and understand where he was coming from. A few examples were:

He has a lot of responsibility and maybe he feels the weight of it.

You don’t know what’s going on in his personal life.

My Dad wasn’t defending him, I was his little girl after all! He was trying to help ME find a mental framework to better deal with Alan: to react better to him.

It’s a bit like telling a nervous speaker to imagine the audience in their underwear.

That kind of mental framework.

So, even though I thought it would be difficult, I decided to try my Dad’s advice.

The next time Alan came to visit us, I looked at him with understanding…even though I didn’t understand him. I decided that I would understand him. I gave him a warm smile and a pleasant “Hello, Alan. How are you?”

This was probably the first time in a loooonggg time that I greeted him this way, and it put him a bit on the back foot.

“Fine, thanks” he replied as he walked past me into my manager’s office. No file inspection, no desk inspection. Hmmm…this was new. Baby steps. Okay.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

He started to soften, ever so slowly.

Then I decided to take this new mental framework further. I made it my mission to find something in common with Alan.

I was determined to find it. There must be something we can bond over! I expected to find something.

Then, it happened.

One day Alan was huddled in the corner, a few feet from my desk, with my boss and a sales rep, all 3 of them middle-aged men. They were talking about vacations. Then Alan said, “Has anyone ever been to Paris?” The two other men shook their heads no.

This was my chance!

“I have,” I said as I raised my hand.

Photo by Aliane Schwartzhaupt on Unsplash

Alan craned his neck, past my two co-workers, and raised his eyebrow.

“Twice” I added.

That really shocked him.

“You were the last person I thought would say that!” he exclaimed. It was an insult, but he didn’t know it was, so I let it slide. This was the first time he’d ever smiled at me.

And that was my “in”. You see, I travelled quite a bit after university. I told him about backpacking through Europe, and then my safari in Africa.

Did I mention he was from South Africa? No? Well, he was. He came directly over to my desk and we started chatting about….TRAVEL!!!

I instantly saw a softer side of him. And I think he gained some respect for me.

This started a change that lasted until I left that job. He would come in every week, stop by my desk, chat about his week, ask me about mine.

He even started lending me books! He was an avid reader, and so am I!

I knew it!

I knew we must have something in common.

My decision to find that something, or something in this case was all that was needed to change his mind about me; to change my relationship with him; to make my life a hell of a lot easier.

I had the power. I made that change. I did that!

Can you do it too? You betcha!

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