How I Built Self-Confidence After Years of Self-Loathing & Comparison

Your self-confidence is your ability to trust yourself. It’s not about being a b*tch to others to establish your highness.

For as long as I can remember, I have been underconfident, hiding and finding corners to stay away from people’s eyes. Not only that, I never had enough self-trust to make any decision on my own. If I had two options, I would spend an eternity yet wouldn’t be able to decide ‘which option to go with.’

Yes, my self-confidence was that low.

When college happened, I knew I had to build self-confidence. Looking at other girls who were just flawlessly themselves, I always wondered ‘Why cannot I be like them — breathing confidence?’

And that’s where the problem was — I wanted to be like them.

Your self-confidence, as the word itself suggests, is your ability to believe in your-SELF. And to believe in yourself, you must know ‘Who your-SELF is.’

Like most people, when I wanted to build self-confidence, I started searching on YouTube ‘how to build self-confidence’ and my God! There are thousands of videos on the same topic which show:

a) Many people are low on self-confidence, thus the demand for such videos.

b) People have no idea who they are, thus searching for solutions in the external world.

Coming back to the younger me, I exhausted myself by watching one video after another on the same topic until my brain could no longer listen to the YouTuber giving the golden nuggets of wisdom. Watching those videos always felt empowering but within a few days, I would be back to where I started.

So, I stopped watching those videos. But I still needed a solution. I was pathetic at the time so much so that if someone would come and say things to me, I listened and not say anything back.

I wanted to do things like playing American football but I didn’t because none of my other friends were ready to join in, so I didn’t go either. For three years, I regretted not joining the team. I still regret it. I wanted to go to certain places in the city but I never went because my friends weren’t interested in going. It was a new city and I wanted to explore but I had no one to explore it with so I just forgot about it. That’s how the first year of my college was. Full of unfulfilled desires, silence, and regrets.

Then started the second year of college and I was still pretty much the same until an opportunity came knocking on my door and I tried to shut the door. This one opportunity made me confident, and here is how:

1. You DO Until You Believe:

Have you ever said NO to something that you wanted to try/do but you didn’t have enough self-confidence to say YES?

I have. Not once but multiple times.

It hurts when you want to do something really bad your mind hunts you and pulls you back. It’s like you are living in your own personal hell.

In my college, we had a student council which was a community of students who managed every event in the college and took care of things around that. I wanted to be a part of the council. But the council had limited 8 seats. Only 5 of them were open for first-year students.

When I first entered college, I knew I wanted to do everything and put myself out there so trusting myself, I went for the interview. It went so bad that I decided to never think of becoming a part of the council ever again in my life and not put myself out there to make a fool of myself.

This is how I ended up saying NO to American Football as well. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, that too alone, na not happening.

In my second year, I was in touch with some of the seniors who encouraged me to apply for the Student Council. They said, I am good and the council needs students like me. I said, No. They say, DO IT. So, I did. I got in.

I had a superior position in the student council and so did 7 other students of my year. The council had to expand the number of seats because there was more work to be done. However, except for me and one other boy, none of the 6 did any work. The two of us were doing almost all the work.

At first, I thought ‘Why should I do any of this when they are not?’ then gradually, I noticed the difference in myself. I noticed that when I first started, I used to be nervous and shy when it came to talking to anyone or assigning any work. But I was opening up a bit and that felt empowering. So I went on doing the work. And by the end of the tenure, everyone started calling me ‘the boldest co-chair’ of the college.

The only difference was in doing the work.

There is a quote that says, ‘The magic you’re looking for is in the work you’re avoiding.’

I didn’t want to do the work because I was shy and it felt wrong to do the work of others. But the same work forced me to talk to so many people and develop different styles of dealing with people which gets the work done. My superior position led me to work with my juniors and manage so many events that everyone knew who I was and they wanted to be in my good books so I could help them. When I saw something wrong happening or someone saying the wrong thing to me, I started speaking up even before my seniors.

When I first started writing on Medium, I thought no one would read my articles, especially Americans. I thought Americans had so many better authors, they would never read a work by someone like me. But I did the work. I kept on writing and after 300+ articles, the majority of my audience is American, and I have received so much from Americans that it almost feels unreal.

See, I have no interest in writing so much or opening up my life like this before you. I could have summed up this article in less than a page. But I am adding all these examples to let you know that ‘The magic you’re looking for is in the work you’re avoiding.’

You don’t have to say NO to your desires and dreams just because you think you cannot do it.

Your thinking about you is just a collection of past incidents and comments from others. Your thinking about you is not a FACT.

You are more than what you think. You don’t have to lock your desires deep inside your head just to feel heavy, guilty, and sad. You can live the life you dream of with full confidence. You can say YES to opportunities even if that means looking like a foolish stupid person. Because foolishness pays off.

You need to say YES to more things, seriously. Say YES to that outing you have been avoiding. Say YES to that haircut you are so afraid to take. Say YES to that dream project you are afraid to start. Say YES more times than you say No. Say YES to life and risks. And see how your self-confidence reaches up in the sky.

You don’t build self-confidence when you win the race. You build self-confidence when you say YES to the things you were most afraid of just to realize ‘Oh well, I can do it. I am doing it.’

You need to get out of that mental prison where you always fail. You need to start living in the moment, doing things that you want to so you can make yourself realize that you are capable enough to do anything you set your mind on.

2. Don’t Be a B*tch, Confidence Is Silent:

We are living in a Kardashian world where if you act rudely and say cool slang then you are confident.

Let me tell you that being a b*tch and rude to other people is different than being confident enough in yourself.

Confidence is not about having big hips and lips and talking like you own the world while ignoring the presence of others. That’s just what the media wants you to believe.

Confidence is about wearing what you feel comfortable in and being so yourself that the others around you feel comfortable around you. It’s about acknowledging others’ presence and making people around you feel just as important.

When you make other people feel important, it shows you hold the power.

But when you do things to make others believe that you are important, it shows you are at the mercy of others.

I made the same mistake once or twice while trying to build self-confidence. In my mind, I still sometimes imagine saying something rude to a person who once misbehaved with me. But then I remind myself that my confidence is not dependent on how rudely I can revert to your insult.

My confidence is about ignoring you in a way that you feel inferior and your words become worthless. So instead of trying to be a rude b*tch, be sassy. Be someone who is so self-assured that they want to come and talk to you instead of constantly trying to say something worthwhile to get their attention.

Mark my words, ‘Silent people gain more attention than those who constantly speak to gain attention.’

So stay silent until you are spoken to. Build your confidence in silence. Grow your knowledge and become obsessed with building yourself so much so that you feel powerful in your actions.

Today, I don’t feel confident when I get the attention of other people or how well I can present myself. I feel confident when I read a really good book and know that I am more important now. I feel confident when I write something good and know that this is going to change someone’s life.

That’s how confidence works. In silence.

So, go ahead and build yourself. Live the life you want to and do the things that make you feel important in your life instead of doing things to gain importance in other’s life.

Conclusion:

I have a lot to say about self-confidence. I will say more on some other day. For today, your assignment is to say YES more and live your life in silence. Don’t make noise to gain attention. That’s cheap. Do your work honestly. Live how you want to. Gain knowledge and have fun. Make your inner self feel important by honoring the desires of your heart, be it joining the gym or going to a cafe. That’s how you become confident.