How I Became Fanatical About Golf

But I am not on the PGA Tour — yet

The first time I held a golf club and played a round was in the 80s in Reston, Virginia.

I went down to visit my brother and his family. He took an afternoon off work and took me golfing.

I thought, how hard can this be? After all, I played cricket and had to hit a moving ball while protecting myself from bodily harm.

In golf, the ball just sits there and you can choose any club you want to hit it as hard as you like. A piece of cake!

I didn’t know a thing about the rules, and more importantly, the etiquette of golf.

I had a lot of fun that day in Reston whacking away at that tiny white ball with metal clubs. And I was hooked.

Another man had joined us so we were a threesome. No. It wasn’t that kind of threesome. I don’t think that is allowed in golf.

The third member of our threesome was, like my brother, a seasoned player, and I am sure they were both appalled at my approach — how I held the clubs, my swing, and most important of all, my attitude.

I was having a lot of fun and got the feeling that I was supposed to take the game more seriously and be more respectful.

Have you ever noticed how the commentators whisper during the TV broadcast of a golf tournament? And how all the spectators have to be silent while the pros take their swings?

I bought my first set of clubs at K Mart.

They were less than one hundred bucks and I still have them. They did the job. I am a parsimonious accountant so I was not going to spend more than I had to. I like that word parsimonious. It sounds almost religious.

At any rate, clubs are clubs, right?

You can hit the ball into the woods with a cheap set of clubs just as easily as you can with an expensive set.

I took up golf as a hobby.

Everyone needs a hobby, don’t they? I took it seriously. I bought golf magazines and read up on the game. I bought a rule book and did my best to read it. It was too complicated so I ignored it.

I even took golf lessons.

I had not yet bought my K Mart clubs when I attended my first company golf tournament. I wore a pair of white pants and white shoes.

A vice-president came up to me and said, “this is golf, not cricket.” We both had a good laugh. If that comment was made today, I could have sued him and the company for millions and be living on my private island in the South Pacific.

Another vice-president said to me, “golf is the white man’s game.” Honest to God, he did. Again we both laughed. I wonder where he is today and what he thinks of Tiger — Woods, that is.

To be clear, both of the aforementioned vice-presidents were good men with whom I had great professional relationships, and they felt at ease joking with me. I was not in the least bit offended by their harmless teasing. I did not get my nose out of joint.

I golfed at least once every summer weekend.

I golfed with colleagues from work at courses in Ottawa, Gatineau, and in the Ottawa Valley. One weekend I drove down to Oakville, Ontario, six hours away, to golf with another brother.

It was a blast, and the best part, inexpensive.

We bought coupon books that had two-for-one green fees coupons. This meant that two of us could play for the price of green fees for one.

I golfed in the rain twice.

On one occasion I golfed with the pastor of the church I attended. He wanted to stop playing when the rain started but I said to him, “what could go wrong? Look who I’m playing with.” We played on but he made me promise not to tell his wife. What a wuss! I hope his wife is not reading this. (If you are, this is pure fiction. It never happened.)

The second time I golfed in the rain was with my brother from Oakville. When the rain started, the other golfers ran for cover. My brother and I didn’t. We agreed that he had come to Ottawa to golf and golf he would. A few raindrops were not going to stop us.

It’s not as easy as it looks on TV.

The pros make it look so easy!

I thought that with practice I would be able to join the PGA Tour and rake in the dough. It didn’t happen for one very simple reason — it takes a lot of work and daily practice, and I already had a full-time job.

And then there is golf school.

I couldn’t believe it when I found out about golf school. If you’re really good you can go to college on a golf scholarship. Let’s just say that I was not in that age group.

I should have taken up some kind of sport for a career — that’s where the money is, not in accounting. Why didn’t someone tell me this?

It didn’t take me too long to realize that I was never going to make it to the PGA Tour or be a contender at The Masters.

Now, I golf for fun. I take my swing and hope for the best. I don’t get mad or frustrated. If the ball ends up in the woods, no problem because when I go looking for my ball I miraculously find many other balls.

I have found so many balls that I haven’t bought golf balls for quite a while. The last time I did, I got a deal at Walmart — a large bag of balls for ten bucks.

Golf can be a lot of fun. It’s all in how you look at it.