How I became a Pants-less, Crime-Busting, Super Mom — and Was Still Home in Time for Dinner
Three moms, discount kayaks, and five crises before noon
“I’m not sure this is a very good idea…” my friend’s father warned.
We all brushed off his concerns though. It’s not like we were teenagers after all. No, we were a group of 35 year old mothers. We maybe didn’t know a lot about what we were doing, but we felt pretty confident we could figure it out.
In just a matter of time, we would all wish we had heeded his warning.
Earlier that morning, just after dawn, my two friends, Kristina, Emily and I loaded up the van with three kayaks and headed toward the river. Emily’s father, Tim, followed behind us with his car to help us get to the drop off point.
All was well, until about 20 minutes into the drive Tim suddenly pulled over and motioned for us to pull over too. One of the kayaks was falling off the top of the van! So we moved into some stranger’s driveway to spend a half hour moving and adjusting and tightening our straps. Since only one of us was over 5' 5", that meant we were crawling around on the top of the van like ants.
Quite the sight.
Crisis #1 averted — we all jumped back into our vehicles to be on the way again. We were going to drop Tim off at the take-out point so he could ride with us to the drop-off point. He’d help us unload the kayaks, see us on the way, then drive the van to the take-out point and leave it there for us. The plan was for him to leave the van key in a magnetic holder in the wheel drum and drive away in his vehicle. Then the key would be there for us to drive ourselves home.
This was the part of the plan that Tim didn’t feel comfortable with. He voiced his concern, but we assured him it was fine. It’s an old, ragged van — no one would want anything to do with it.
Around 9am, we were boarding our kayaks onto the Meramec river. We all settled down into our seats and let out an audible sigh — “Ahh, this was worth the trouble! What a glorious morning!”
Five minutes into the float, Kristina noticed her kayak was taking on water.
Perhaps it was just water that had been splashed into the boat from paddling. So she stopped paddling. More water filled the boat.
We paddled for about 30 minutes, before her kayak was too full for her to keep paddling. We moved it over to the bank to dump it. As soon as we tipped it over, the problem was obvious.
A hole, about the size of a nickel, on the stern of the kayak.
What were we going to do?
Tim was long gone and we had really spotty cell service. There wasn’t another access point for miles. We had two choices -
Abandon the kayak and attempt to fit two people on a one person kayak
Or,
Keep paddling and hope for the best.
We chose to keep paddling.
We got into a routine of pulling over every 20 minutes and dumping out the water. We got pretty fast at it and as long as it didn’t get too full, Kristina was still able to navigate the kayak pretty well.
Crisis #2 averted — Let’s keep paddling!
We moved down the river at a pretty steady pace. It was higher than I had expected it to be, and the water was moving swiftly. Due to the higher water levels, there was a good amount of tree stumps and debris in the way. As we went around one particularly rapid bend, I came up on a tree stump unexpectedly. I saw it coming but had little time to react. The side of my kayak barreled into the stump, tipping me over completely.
All my stuff fell into the water and I was stuck on the side of my kayak between the current and the stump.
“Damn it! I lost the sunscreen. Oh and my water bottle! Try to grab it as they float past you!” I yelled to the rest of the group. Meanwhile, I worked to gain my composure.
This had never happened to me before and I was flustered.
I took some time to breathe and figure out how to maneuver back on my kayak. I finally managed to free myself from the tree and get back in my seat. As I floated back down to my friends, I realized I had lost my pants.
Well sh*t.
Luckily, I have a decent ass, because that’s all anyone would be seeing for the rest of the float! (In my swimsuit bottoms, of course ;)
Crisis #3 averted — it can only get better from here, right?
So we were in a routine of pulling over quickly, dumping Kristina’s kayak, everyone taking a glance at my pants-less ass, getting back into our seats and continuing on.
We reached the end of our float at 11am, a half hour ahead of schedule!
None of these moms were interested in returning sooner than we were expected so we pulled up next to the ramp and played in the water. As we pulled the kayaks onto the bank, Kristina exclaimed, “Well we made it, just as long as the van is still there when we get back!” Everyone chuckled.
So we sat on the bank and explored, chatted, and relaxed.
We even made a tiny turtle friend.
The day had been slightly chaotic, but we managed! We all felt proud and exhilarated and after about a half hour of hanging around we decided it was time to go back to our mom lives and head home. We pulled the boats up the ramp and Emily went to get the van.
“THEY ARE STEALING MY VAN! SOMEBODY STOP THEM! THEY ARE STEALING MY VAN!” Emily screamed.
“She’s lying.” Kristina said
“I don’t think she is!” I replied and I ran up to see what was going on.
I came up the ramp just in time to see Emily’s red van turn the corner and speed its way out of the parking lot.
I’m not really sure what happened to us after this. All I can explain is that something deep inside our mom bodies ignited and we were no longer 35 year old moms attempting to escape their mundane life with a trip on the water. Now we were adrenaline filled, rage fueled monsters who refused to become victims.
We had dinner to cook, groceries to buy, and kids to bathe, damn it!
That van was ours and we were getting it back!
So I took off down the road after the van, screaming like a banshee and kicking rocks. I wanted the criminal to know I saw him and he would not get away with this. So I screamed and ran, flailing my arms and throwing out any intimidating gesture I could muster.
And the van moved further out of sight.
This might not be the best plan.
A young woman in her early 20’s was sitting in her car as this was happening. She asked me if I wanted her to go after him. I said “yes! Please! Follow him!” I almost got into the car with her, like an undercover cop on some sting mission, but my gut pulled my arm away from the handle in the last second. She sped off down the road, yelling to me “I’ll chase him for you!!”
So I stopped running, completely out of breath, and relieved to have a Good Samaritan on my side. I walked back to Kristina who was staying with the kayaks while Emily walked around to get cell service to call the cops.
“That girl is going to follow him for us, thank goodness” I said while still trying to catch my breath.
“Yeah, she’s probably with the thief” Kristina said, nonchalantly.
“No, I don’t think so! I think she was genuine.” I replied “I’m going to hope for the best.”
“So, you’re probably right. She’s not coming back” I finally admitted
“No, no she’s not” Kristina huffed
Meanwhile, Emily had found a spot that allowed her enough service to call the police and her husband. They claimed help would be on the way and we just needed to sit tight.
“Sit tight.”
Nah. I’d rather not.
Instead, we became super sleuths. Talking with anyone around, telling them about what happened, and warning them to protect their belongings.
“Be sure to lock your truck!” I warned to a husband and wife just entering the lot “Our van was just stolen!”
“Oh my! They exclaimed “Was it red?”
“Yes!”
“Well I think its been abandoned further up the road. If you get in the truck I can drive you up there.”
Crisis # 4 averted — So Emily went to get her van while Kristina and I stayed with the belongings. We assumed the key would not be there with the van so we got to work brainstorming how to get the spare key from Emily’s home to the van.
“I’ll call Tim. I’m sure he’ll bring it to us” I remarked.
Tim answered the phone, “So the adventure continues, Leeann!”
“Yeah, yeah. Tim you were right. They stole the van. Hiding the key wasn’t a good plan but we found the van! Do you know where the spare key is?”
“Oh Leeann, there isn’t a spare key. If there was a spare key we wouldn’t be in this mess because then you could have just taken the key with you.” Tim said matter-of-factly.
Ugh. So close, yet so far away.
“Is there anything else I can do to help right now, Leeann?” Tim replied
“Nope. I think that will do. Thanks anyway.” I said, despondently
So let’s recap — We lost the kayaks off the van, got a hole in the one kayak, tipped over another, I lost my pants, we lost the van, recovered the van and now we lost the van key.
It’s been over an hour and we still haven’t seen a police officer
Needless to say, we were all feeling very hopeless at this point.
Until, Emily’s husband, Charlie called. “Leeann, tell Emily I found the spare key! It’s been lost for over a year but I found it!”
“What?! You found it?! Where was it?” I exclaimed
“In her coat pocket.”
“Her coat pocket?!” I laughed
“Yeah, don’t tell her where I found it. I want to tell her myself. She’s been blaming me for losing it this whole time. I’ll be there as soon as I can” and Charlie hung up the phone.
Crisis # 5 averted — Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. We found the van and will be using it to drive the kayaks home! It was about this time, the police showed up to get a report. There wasn’t much else for them to do at this point, since we had recovered the van ourselves.
Don’t ever underestimate the power of three hungry, angry moms!
While we stood around, waiting for Charlie to get there, I said to Emily “So this will be the second time in my life that I’ve had a run in with a police officer while not wearing pants. Do you think that says something about me?”
Emily chuckled, “Yeah, it probably does.”
“Oh wait. It might be my third time. Hmm, oh yep, definitely my third run in with police while not wearing pants.”
Through her laughter, Emily said “If you ever become famous and make it on the Tonight Show that has to be what you lead with.”
