MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIPS

How I Almost Ended My Marriage In The First Year

A lesson in forgiveness

We were engaged during our last year of high school. No baby on the way, or pressure from our parents. We had each found our soulmate, and we were ready to begin our lives together.

I was soon leaving to enroll in Bible college in Florida, and she anticipated moving there as soon as possible. Neither of us wanted to spend much time apart because we had finally found our “one”.

High school graduation came and went, and I found myself living alone in a new state. This was not my first time in Florida, or my first time at this Bible college. My family actually lived there while my dad attended the same school in my early elementary years.

As the new guy on campus and a newcomer to this small town, I had very few friends. I am an introvert, so the loneliness was much less impactful than the separation from my soon-to-be wife. I was ready to have her by my side.

November 1997 finally arrived, and we tied the knot. We quickly dashed off on our honeymoon and then got to work building our life together down in Florida. From Florida, we moved to Dothan, Alabama as I took on a new job while still enrolled in school.

Dothan was a decent place to live, but it wasn’t home. Home was in central Alabama and it was calling to us. The distance from our families took a toll on our emotions daily, and we were fighting constantly.

I was a gamer, so when I needed to unwind and blow off some steam, I would hop on the computer for hours at night. As an introvert, I wasn’t looking for friends. My wife is the total opposite, and she was craving new friendships and conversation.

We eventually moved back home to central Alabama, and I found a job working at a large bank while she worked in a daycare to supplement our income. My job required me to go in early each morning and stay late in the afternoon. When I finally got home, I wanted to unwind and play some video games.

My wife was still at a point in her life where she was looking for new friendships and interested in being more social. I hated going out. This guy was happy enough to stay home, and it frustrated me that I wasn’t enough for her.

In reality, I wasn’t enough for anyone. Who was I to think that I was all anyone needed? Just because I am not a person who craves a social life doesn’t mean that she is not. I was not taking the time to consider her needs.

My job required me to be in the office by 6 AM. Work traffic caused my daily commute to average out to about an hour each morning. Don’t forget that I needed to get up early enough to take a shower and prepare for my day. Many people have similar morning schedules.

I had a problem, but it wasn’t my morning schedule or commute to the office. My issue was how I used my time in the evening. We would spend most nights watching television together. Our evenings provided plenty of time together.

However, after we finished watching television, we would go separate directions. We were still newly married. A young couple, each of us not even 20 years old yet. We should have been going to bed together, but I had other plans.

I spent most of my nights playing games until 3 AM or later. There were some nights I would get less than an hour of sleep before hopping out of bed to race to the shower. My job required very little thought, as it was mainly a few steps repeated endlessly throughout the workday.

My lack of sleep did not affect my job as much as it affected my mind. I was developing an addiction to gaming. Hours of my life slipped away in front of the screen as I played Quake and Unreal Tournament into the early morning.

The addiction started to extend beyond my nights and into my days. I was bored at work and desired to move into a role that interested me more. However, that process wasn’t moving fast enough. I hated going to the office.

In the beginning, I called in sick a few times to spend the day at home. My wife worked during the day, so she had no idea I was not at the office. She would typically call my mobile number instead of my desk phone. I still went to work most days, but I was taking advantage of those sick days.

Occasional sick days turned in to every Friday since I was ready for the weekend to begin so I could get back in front of my computer more. Fridays were eventually not enough, so I added Mondays since no one really likes Mondays. I would try to get some things tidied up before my wife came home so she would be happy and not ask questions about my day.

The worst part was the lying.

She would ask questions about work, so I had to make up stories, right? I mean, I wasn’t really doing anything wrong. Work allowed me time off, so I was just using it. I wasn’t happy and fulfilled at work, so I justified the use of sick time.

Sick time runs out fast.

Once I was out of time, I just kept calling in sick. I knew at some point that the people at work realized I was just playing. No one could be sick as often as I was pretending to be. I just couldn’t stop myself.

Early one afternoon, I was engrossed in a game of Unreal Tournament when my front door opened. I jumped out of my seat, startled, and wondered who it could be. My wife was at work, or so I thought.

“Philip?”

“Yeah? What are you doing home?”

“Wendy called me. She said she hasn’t seen you at work much lately and heard rumors that you have been out sick a number of times. I didn’t know you had been sick. What is going on? Why are people calling me asking where you are?”

Wendy was a mutual friend from church. She worked in the business unit one floor above me. This was one of the few people I knew outside of the office, so we spoke a lot at work. Our friend was highly conscious of the fact that I had gone missing.

“Ugh, I called in sick this morning. I haven’t been feeling well,” I said.

“You seem fine to me.”

I saw a change in her face at that moment. It was clear she smelled something funny going on.

My wife detests lies. This is a seriously grievous offense in our home. You don’t lie.

There was a meltdown. Everything in my life fell apart on that day. My wife felt betrayed and immediately lost all trust in me. She was pregnant with our first child, which might have been the one thing that fueled her desire to repair what I had broken.

Through the following weeks, there was a lot of conversation, silence, and querying. What caused me to lie to her? How could I look her in the eye and be dishonest? She was troubled and looking for answers I honestly did not have.

There is so much loneliness and loss that fills your heart the moment you see the lack of trust in your partner’s eyes. Knowing you caused this pain and anger is the worst part. There is no short-term fix.

Building a relationship takes time, but rebuilding trust in a relationship takes the rest of your time together. Once you sew those seeds of distrust in your relationship, there will always be a hint of suspicion. Time may heal many wounds, but dishonesty cuts so deeply that recovery is a long process.

We’ve now been married 25+ years, and that moment seems like an eternity ago now. While my wife has forgiven me, I know the scar from that wound is still buried deep inside. She is tough, both mentally and physically, and would have been fine without me if that is the path she had chosen. I am glad she stuck with me.

We have raised 6 children together, four biological and two adopted. We have experienced so many things together. Through births, losses, and so many things in between, we have grown stronger together.

I am thankful that she is a better human than I am, and I recognize how blessed I am to have her. My advice to you is that you hold tight to the people and things you love. Make sure you show them each day how much they mean to you.

Don’t let your interests become addictions. Keep your priorities in line and ensure you provide for the ones you love. When life is tough and you are unhappy, talk to your person. Most importantly, tell the truth.