How Honest Should You Be in Your Relationship?

For some, staying together means keeping secrets

Is it ever healthy to lie to the person you’re dating? How about the one you love, the one you’ve decided to marry or commit to for the long haul?

Is complete honesty necessary to maintaining a happy relationship? Or, are there certain things — certain desires, criticisms, or maybe even mistakes — you should keep to yourself?

In my experience, I’ve found that there’s sort of a sliding honesty scale. Sometimes, brutal honesty is needed to improve an issue in your relationship.

Say you’re hitting the five-year mark with your partner, and you’re beginning to feel like the sex isn’t satisfying. Maybe your partner has gotten lazy in bed or even selfish, and every time you have sex, it’s just not enjoyable.

After so much of this, it’s going to become a problem if you don’t speak up and be honest about how bad the sex has gotten. It’s always difficult to hurt your partner’s feelings, but if they’re never concerned about your pleasure in bed, it needs to be brought to their attention.

Whether it’s sex or some other component of the relationship (jealousy, finances, in-laws, etc.), when a problem comes up, it can’t be solved unless someone brings attention to it. Then you can agree to actively work together on resolving the issue.

Healthy lies?

On the other hand, there are times when a little too much honesty can do more harm than good. I believe there’s such a thing as a “healthy” lie, but the catch here is, the motivation has to be right.

Are you sparing your partner’s feelings after a particularly stressful day to protect their sanity? Or are you lying or withholding information for your own personal agenda?

The subject matter of the lie also determines whether it’s harmless or harmful.

For example, what if your boyfriend comes home from a big, important work meeting, one that his promotion depends on, and he asks you, “Does this zit look bad?”

It does. It looks really bad. Super noticeable. And he’s stressing over the fact that it probably grossed his boss out.

But the meeting has already happened — and you have faith that his boss won’t let a gross-looking zit affect a professional decision. So, to spare him the agony of adding unnecessary stress to his plate, you say, “No, not at all.”

This kind of healthy lie, by its nature, only happens rarely, and with small matters that don’t impact your relationship.

But too many lies, even the seemingly harmless ones, will eventually hurt things. The trust will be gone, and the foundation of the bond you share with your partner will be badly cracked or crumble completely.

For your relationship to thrive, being mostly honest is the best policy.

Is it ever okay to hide an affair?

I once had a good friend — a woman I used to work with at Target. This was back when I was in college, doing the night shift part-time over the summer. It was strange to see Target after closing, its aisles so bare and pristine. But unloading trucks and stocking shelves three nights a week was easy work. And the overnight shift came with a pay bonus.

My co-worker friend was maybe five years older than me. As we grew closer and started hanging out outside of work, she confided in me that she was cheating on her husband of three years. With one of our co-workers, whom we both flirted with constantly.

I didn’t know her husband very well, but I cared for my friend greatly and hated seeing her miserable in her relationship. Both she and the husband had cheated on each other before. They fought often. She complained about how he treated her, but she somehow couldn’t bring herself to leave him.

“I love him,” she said. “We have issues, but I’d never leave him. And I don’t feel guilty for cheating. He’s put me through far worse.”

I asked her about telling him the truth and admitting to the affair. Coming clean and going to couple’s counseling together. A clean slate. A fresh start. It might make them stronger, help resolve their issues.

“That’s pure fantasy,” she told me, making me feel naive. “If he knew, our marriage would be over.”

Her affair ended after a couple of weeks, and she quit her job soon after. To this day her husband doesn’t know about it.

I personally think that when we’re betrayed by our partner on the level of an affair, we have the right to the truth.

I’ve been cheated on, and I caught him in the lie. He never fessed up, and to me, that felt worse than the actual cheating. I’ve also done the cheating, and as much as it pained me to confess, it pained me even more to live the lie and pretend the relationship was fine.

Swapping secrets

It’s something we don’t spend a lot of time talking about, even though we often deal with it internally. We might not be ready to admit it, but no one is the perfect partner. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes we’re selfish and we hurt the one we love. Sometimes, we start to change in a way that could greatly affect our partner.

Last year, my husband told me about an experience he’d had in high school where he gave a male friend oral sex, and he enjoyed doing it.

I found out he often fantasized about it. And while I was insecure about this revelation at first (Was he bi? Was he gay and afraid to come out? Would my not having a penis make him not love me anymore? etc.), he reassured me that he loves and prefers sex with women.

He’s also shared that the idea of a romantic relationship with a man doesn’t appeal to him. His interest specifically lies in certain sexual acts.

And I’ve been just as honest with him when it comes to my shifting sexuality. After being with him for 11 years, I’m starting to learn that my interest lies in taking our relationship into ethical non-monogamy.

We’ve been discussing my developing feelings for a couple of years now. It’s not so much a fun fantasy I like to think and talk about — it’s something I feel is a part of who I am. And we’ve been taking small steps toward it together.

One of these steps includes agreeing to see a couple’s therapist who specializes in polyamory and other non-monogamous relationships so that we can navigate these uncharted waters in a safe, sane, and consensual way.

No matter what problem you’re dealing with in a long-term relationship, the outside view of a couple’s therapist can help you both understand each other better.

Was it easy to be honest with my husband and tell him that I need more sexual fulfillment? No. I sometimes feel insecure about it. I sometimes feel selfish and greedy. I worry that I’ll drive him into a type of marriage that will make him miserable. But I don’t want to be miserable either.

And it helps that he is willing to talk honestly with me, so we can work toward a compromise that will make us both happy.

A safe space to talk

Communicating difficult truths and approaching these truths with a level of calm discussion and empathy will only help you grow stronger as a couple.

Even though we’ve had conflicting feelings as a result of being honest with each other, I feel so fortunate to be with a man who trusts me enough to share his innermost feelings.

It’s incredible the way a relationship can blossom when you and your partner agree to give each other a safe space for honest, intimate discussions.

To achieve the freedom of open communication, a couple needs to establish a few things first.

• Create a safe space rooted in trust. Before any conversation takes place, a couple should be in agreement that they can say anything without fear of judgment or angry accusations.
• Take turns sharing. If your partner is going out on a limb and describing something they’re insecure or embarrassed to talk about, take a turn being vulnerable and sharing your own fear or insecurity.
• Actively listen. Don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Actually listen to what your partner has to say. Be sympathetic to their feelings and ask follow-up questions.
• Let your feelings out. No couple is one hundred percent compatible, but being dishonest about and hiding your feelings is a breeding ground for some pretty heavy conflict — or, in the very least, a pretty unsatisfying relationship.
• Always be respectful, especially when you disagree. Opening up communication about your sexual preferences and needs can bring potential conflict. If you hear something you don’t like, always keep the disagreement respectful. Hitting below the belt by slinging insults, getting defensive, or angrily passing judgment will only cause pain and make a couple fear ever being honest with one another.

Honesty keeps the love alive

Being open and honest has done nothing but keep my relationship more interesting, intimate, and exciting.

Of course, you can’t talk about the advantages of open communication without acknowledging the downside — the fact that your partner may very well reject you for being who you are.

My husband is 17 years older than me — an age gap I couldn’t see when I fell for him. He is devastatingly handsome, and when I met him 11 years ago, I thought he was about a decade younger than he actually was, the sneaky bastard.

I find it interesting that he’s from a generation of men who weren’t always encouraged to talk about their feelings, but he’s in touch with his, and I’m lucky to feel like we can talk about pretty much anything.

Many couples seem to deal with hidden feelings, lies, or secrets, and they don’t feel free to talk about it. They fear they will anger their partner or be judged and ruin the relationship.

I hope that’s something I can have some small part in changing, by showing couples just how beautiful honesty can be.

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