How Grief Helps Us Empathize
I had many misconceptions about miscarriage
It took all the guts and courage I have to write this story, as it has been the most deeply personal experience of my life. It has been an emotionally stressful one for my spouse and I. But, life isn’t a bed of roses for anyone and mine is no exception.
Like any other happy and in love couple, mentally and physically prepared for their baby, we both were ecstatic to welcome our first baby.
It’s been three years since our wedding, and when my spouse moved to the States from India, we planned to have our baby here. We thought, why not give naturalized US citizenship to our baby when we have an opportunity?
But, as they say, man proposes and God disposes.
This was my first pregnancy, and I had a volley of feelings: excited, nervous, and happy. I talked to a few of my friends and family members about the dos and dont’s.
What to eat, what not to eat. Which exercise can be done and which can’t. Which pre-natals should be taken and bla bla bla…
As soon as I conceived, I booked my first appointment with the OB-GYN and got a confirmation to visit the doctor only after six weeks of pregnancy. This made me anxious, but the nurse assured me that the medical tests can be done only after the sixth-week completion and until then I needed to focus on a nutritious diet and be happy.
The day I entered my sixth week, I started spotting. This made both of us paranoid, and I could not hold my weeping until we reached the emergency room.
My first visit to a hospital in the states was a trip to the emergency room.
The doctor did the basic medical checkup and vaginal ultrasound and told me that if the baby was not “formed correctly” — or in medical terms — there is a “ chromosomal abnormality”, my body would reject the baby, and no medicine would work to keep it inside the body.
We had goosebumps but tried to convince ourselves of what the doctor said; that night I was discharged from the hospital with all my reports to be okay.
The next morning, I had heavy bleeding. I talked to my mother in India and had continuous tears; I was feeling helpless. We wanted to consult the OB-GYN but the receptionist declined my request and said, “The doctor is not available to take any new appointments, and if you have any further complications go and visit the emergency”.
I wondered, “How is this humanly and ethically possible?”
Coming from a country like India, where we can visit a doctor even for a slight head-ache, this apparently was a bigger problem.
My whole day was wasted in anger, tension, and pain. My spouse snatched my mobile from me; Google nearly took me to death bed. The internet nonsense and blogs on miscarriage made me insane.
After to-and-fro calling and a heated argument with the receptionist, I got an appointment for the next day, in the early morning. I was convinced that the miscarriage had already taken place, given the size of the clots during bleeding. But, I was not a doctor and had hope.
We visited the hospital the next morning and I had my vaginal ultrasound. The nurse informed me that the embryo sac detected during my first ultrasound had been flushed with the bleeding.
I cried my heart out holding my spouse! The nurse consoled me and did my final checkups for that day.
That night the ‘Why me’ syndrome caught me.
Why did it happen to me? Why had our happiness been snatched from us within seconds? Why couldn’t my body hold the baby; I was fit and healthy.
These thoughts gushed my mind and made me sad.
But, truly as life goes on; after two days, I called my Indian doctor and told them about my case. I was thinking about whether we could have done something to prevent the miscarriage.
I thought about consulting my OB-GYN here and narrating my experience from this incident and giving her advice for the future. The doctor assured me that as now they have established my medical records, they’ll take special care when I will conceive next.
My misconceptions about miscarriage
I am not sure whether I was too naive or overconfident; I had presumed that miscarriages don’t happen to fit women. I had no past miscarriage history in my immediate family, nor did I have PCOD, but I shed my misconceptions after having one myself.
The doctor told me, “Miscarriage has no direct relation to your body’s specifications.”
It can happen to anyone; regardless of whether we are skinny or plump, fit or unfit, have PCOD or regular menstruation.
I read some interesting and thought-provoking views by Bill Gates. He spent his days asking “Why?” Why do people get stuck in poverty? Why do mosquitoes spread malaria?
Some “why” questions can’t be answered satisfactorily with facts. — Bill Gates
Similarly, I did not find any concrete reason behind “why this happened” even when I took extra care of myself.
Everything happens for a reason
I came across this book ‘Everything happens for a reason by Kate Bowler’ in 2018. The crux is that she was diagnosed with colon cancer; she was neither a staunch supporter of Christianity gospel nor did she totally reject nihilism but believed that the suffering she faced in her life had a reason behind it.
Now, after two months, with the COVID-19 crisis hovering like a monster all over the world, the overwhelming pressure on hospital facilities, my husband and I decided that the miscarriage happened for a reason.
Closing thoughts
The miscarriage made me realize that the more we talk about our adverse experiences to our closed ones, the more relief we get and the closer we feel to them.
When I shared this experience with my female friends, they opened their hearts about their personal experiences and the weird baggage they carried about miscarriage.
Later, I saw an interview with Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper’s discussing grief. It was an intriguing and inspiring discussion on grief. With so much honesty and integrity, they both shared their personal experiences. I resonated with Stephen’s thoughts, “If we are grateful for our life, we should embrace the suffering that comes with it”.
Grief makes you understand an individual’s loss personally and makes you empathetic. — Stephen Colbert