How Grief Changes Us For The Better

As another Father’s Day rolls on by and I try my best to shut off for the day, I’m also humbly reminded of how far I’ve come and what I’ve lived, and learned, through.

As a child of divorce and no stranger to deaths in the family, I’ve had my fair share of grief stricken situations. At the age of 10, I went from living in a beautiful nine-bedroom family home to a comparably smaller two and a half bedroom abode, just me and my Mother, after my parents had split.

My Grandfather, whom we had lived with, had a severe stroke at the same time and was unfortunately confined to a wheelchair and in need of round-the-clock care from my Grandmother.

I started High School and found myself not fitting in and dreading each day. As I went through my teenage years, I became more conscious of how I looked and developed an unhealthy relationship with my body.

As I hit my late teens, I lost my Grandfather, then some years later my Auntie, and then more recently my Father and Grandmother. Life has thrown a fair amount at me, and at times, particularly when I was younger, I struggled to cope with my emotions.

However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve also gotten wiser. So I guess it’s true what they say, even though we used to roll our eyes at our parents for saying so.

There comes a point where you have to take a moment to breathe and let it all sink in, but to also think about what you can do about what’s happened. You can’t bring back the ones you love and you can’t change your past. But you sure as hell can change your future.

There’s also something to be said about the situation we are all currently going through now. Covid-19 has changed our lives as we know it, even if it’s as simple as not being able to take our usual annual trips abroad or being able to hug our loved ones.

On the other end of the scale, some of us have lost jobs and are struggling to make ends meet, and some of us have fallen ill or watched family members suffer from afar.

We are all grieving something we’ve lost and it’s important to acknowledge that grief and then run with it. Of course, it would be great if we could wake up every single morning with positive thoughts and a big smile on our face, but that’s not always realistic.

What I’m saying is, it’s okay to allow yourself to feel the way you feel.

Through grief, I’ve learned to look at life completely differently. I’ve always been a firm advocate of ‘YOLO’, but there’s nothing like going through a difficult period in your life and feeling the lowest of the low, to make you really appreciate the good things.

You worry less

I’ve always been a worrier and a chronic over-thinker, but I’m starting to learn to let the little things go. When you lose someone close to you, you realise that the only thing that matters is your relationships with the people you love, and your relationship with yourself. You don’t sweat the small stuff anymore.

You become more resilient

I was often perceived as quite fragile and someone who couldn’t handle things too well — not just by those around me, but also by myself. I’ve learned that I’m much stronger than I think, and if I can handle all of these hurdles life has thrown at me, I can handle anything. I have this inner-strength that I’m proud of. It doesn’t mean I don’t cry or have days where I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning — but it does mean that when I do get out of bed, I bounce back and have a fire within me that wants to dream more and achieve more than I ever thought possible.

You learn to be okay with everything not being okay

Life isn’t all rainbows and fairy-tales. Shit’s always gonna happen and life will kick you to the curb once in a while. Leaning into your emotions during these periods of difficulty is part of the healing process, and embracing how you feel is the only way to move forward. You learn that pain is a part of growth.

”We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” ~Kenji Miyazawa

You love harder than ever before

When I found out my Dad was terminal, I knew instantly that I wanted to marry my then boyfriend. We’d been soulmates from the start and I didn’t want to wait anymore when there wasn’t a good enough reason to. Being consumed by sadness and an aching heart when my Dad died was a testament to just how much I loved him, and I now have a deeper love for the most significant people in my life.

You chase your dreams

My favourite part of life is making memories and I’m a sucker for a bucket list. I care less for ‘things’ and more about life experiences and adventures. If something isn’t making me happy, I focus on what will and adjust my life accordingly. Life is too short to wait until you have enough money or until it’s the ‘right time’. You could be waiting forever, so go out and do the things you want to do now.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did.” ~Mark Twain