How engaging in dialogue may be what’s killing your relationships

Knowing when not to have a discussion is paramount

There’s something the majority of us does in our relationships that is a silent killer. It’s that one thing that we so much appreciate yet we seem to have difficulty practicing when it’s fundamental to do so.

What’s that?

It’s when we pretend that we are listening to the other person, when in fact we aren’t really present.

Here’s why this can be detrimental to our relationships with others.

You aren’t listening, really

Someone close to you approaches you and asks your opinion on a serious topic. They ask for your contribution and thoughts after they explain the situation in detail. And, even though you are clearly distracted by your other obligations and activities, you agree to discuss.

So you sit down, and the other person starts sharing their problem with you. You are listening. You look at the other person straight in the eye, nod, produce subtle “hmm” vocalizations every 5 seconds.

You show them you are there, physically and mentally.

However, what really goes through your mind at the time is what you will have for dinner. You can hear your stomach growling, which seems to intensify your thoughts, moving you farther away from the discussion.

“Hey, are you still there?”, someone asks in the background.

It is best to stop kidding yourself. You are not paying attention. Not really. You are just sitting there because you feel obliged to do so. A best friend or partner is always meant to be there after all, right?

The worst part is that the other person knows when you do it! They can smell it in the air, your distraction and lack of interest and engagement. It’s like their sixth sense kicks in, notifying them that something’s not right.

In that case, it’s you.

By this point, you committed two crimes: one is taking away any sort of attention that is needed from your side in that moment. The other is pretending you pay attention, while you clearly aren’t.

You are officially an impostor.

You are digging their trust’s grave

The people closest to you will, from time to time, demand 100% of you. They will expect that you give them your all, your undivided attention and devotion when they want to share with you something profound and special. They consider you special, and they want you to be the first with whom they exchange energy and emotion.

It’s a huge privilege.

You have proven to them that you should be on top of their list of people they can trust. You’ve worked hard to gain that trust, through hardships and successes. People are counting on you to offer them solace, advice or a shoulder to lean on when things get tough.

Yet the only thing that pseudo-listening does is throw that person’s trust out the window. After consecutive failed attempts to engage with you, what makes you think you will still be number one on their list of trusted friends, colleagues or partners for the good news and unfortunate moments they wish to share?

They won’t. They will find someone else who can actually be there when most needed. Slowly, the trust built through days, months or years of effort diminishes.

And when that trust is depleted, it’s game over.

There’s no shame in disengaging

How do you make sure this situation is avoided? How can you ensure that your distracted mind doesn’t get in the way of your relationships?

By politely disengaging from the discussion until you feel ready to sincerely invest in it.

So how do you do that, exactly?

1.Be mindful of your mood and energy: Out of all the people out there, you know best what your current state of being is at any given moment. As a result, your priority should be to perform a scan of your own levels of energy and focus at that particular time. That assessment may reveal that you do not have the capacity to sustain a crucial dialogue with someone. It will indicate whether you should proceed or wait for a better opportunity to engage with the other person.

2.Politely postpone the discussion: When someone approaches you with the intention of interacting in ways you cannot support, kindly let them know that you are not able to listen to them. Instead of slamming the door in their face or pretending you are attentive, say something like:

I’m sorry [NAME], but I don’t feel I will be able to devote the energy and effort that you require in this instance. I know this is important to you and I want to make sure I am completely and fully engaged. Can we go through this at a later time?

What this does is send a signal that you care for that person and that you appreciate their intention to engage with you. You don’t reject their advance, but you are honest about your own inability to purposefully interact with them at that point.

3.Take a mental note, and follow-up: After postponing the communication for a more convenient time, you need to take a mental note of the incident. Remind yourself that you owe it to the other person to reach out whenever you feel ready to have a discussion about their topic of interest. When you are certain that your other distractions and obligations are eliminated, let them know you are more than happy to go through what they intended to share with you.

In short

Rejecting a serious engagement for fear that your energy does not match the other person’s is a wise move in most situations. The thing you must understand is that it’s not a gesture of disrespect and rudeness. On the contrary, it’s full of grace and courtesy, a gesture fitting to a true friend, lover, parent and human being in general.

Go on standby mode for a while. Don’t invite others to have a serious discussion with you when you are clearly distracted, zoned out and fleeting. Stop welcoming them into your sphere of compassion and interaction if you know your energy won’t allow you to serve them as best you can.

And when the time comes and you’re truly ready, go back to them and show them they did well to trust you with their secrets, thoughts and feelings.