Relationships
How Empathy And Second Chances Can Destroy Your Life
Protect yourself by setting new boundaries.
“If only I could turn back time and do things differently, surely I would…”
“I promise you this will be the last time. If you give me ONE last chance, I will prove to you that this was the LAST…”
Have you heard these or other similar phrases? Of course, you have! We all have, but how do you know when it is convenient to give in and forgive? How can you tell when the person is really, genuinely remorseful? Many could say that you really never know.
Nevertheless, tell-tale signs can warn you if your excess of empathy is playing against you.
Can you really get over the offense?
Yes, many times, we want to hold on against all odds to relationships, jobs, or friendships that don’t work. Maybe because clear communication, introspection, or empathy are lacking, or because we have opted for ignoring our true feelings.
The typical result is finding ourselves in a familiar scenario, back in situations we have experienced before. These situations end up looking like a painful deja vu: a liar lying again, a cheater cheating once more, the toxic boss taking advantage of your achievements without giving you credit, and so on.
Who’s to blame? Clearly, not them.
Man is the only animal that trips twice over the same stone. The illusion of a better future can be a great source of motivation under the right circumstances.
But, using that resource to justify and forgive some people’s behavior can even be dangerous for your emotional health and, in many cases, even your physical well-being.
“Future faking” is one of the most powerful yet simple tools narcissists and manipulative people use to control others. It consists of painting, time after time, an idyllic future in which all your dreams will come true.
Eventually, some are wise enough to understand that “that faked future” never comes. It’s just one empty promise after another to make sure you will stick around in the hopes of seeing all your expectations becoming a reality… in the future.
When I use the word “expectations,” I can’t help but be reminded of Humberto Maturana’s words: “expectations are never fulfilled.” He’s a Biologist turned philosopher that earned a Nobel prize due to his work on biological systems capable of reproducing themselves…
Kind of like the common tendency many of us have to date the same type of person and, of course, getting the same disappointing results.
Should you stop dating? Of course not! You need to make some slight (or not so slight) modifications to your map. When evaluating a relationship’s future, the best thing you can do is set yourself in the “here and now mode,” not in the “happily ever after.”
Focus on thinking specifically about what has happened only between the first coffee together and today.
Nowness can give you all the answers you’ve been looking for. Forget that conflictive promotion; Forget that problematic marriage proposal; Stop thinking about having children with someone who clearly feels no remorse for that affair… nor for the romance that came before that one.
But what are you saying? People change!
Yes, people change. People who are willing and committed to delving deep into their insecurities and traumas may eventually recognize some areas to work on, preferably in therapy. Change is not an immediate process or a fun one, but it is the price we all pay to create a better version of ourselves.
My relationship is worth it!
Indeed, it’s a personal decision how much time to dedicate to an unsatisfactory relationship. Do you see your significant other as a project in progress?
I have news for you. People can also change for the worst. Those sudden episodes of rage can quickly turn into verbal or domestic abuse.
Up to that point, surely, if you turn your head to the past, you’ll find a clear path of breadcrumbs, alerts, and signals that announced this nightmare had been in the making for a long time leading up to this moment.
Every second wasted on fixing a hopeless situation is a second you’re not investing in your personal growth.
Empathy can slow you down.
When it comes to unlocking your true potential, empathy can definitely slow you down. Every second wasted on fixing a hopeless situation is a second you’re not investing in your personal growth.
The road to personal discovery is full of bumps. However, the most dangerous thing about staying in your comfort zone is that most of the time, it isn’t comfortable at all.
Envious friendships, peter pan boyfriends, persecuting mothers-in-law:
Are they really worth your time? Repeating your childhood script can become a harrowing journey, even when you have the proper compass and the best of intentions.
Sometimes we think empathy is our best alternative to change somebody’s world. Yet, the only thing we are really accomplishing is staying locked in an invisible jail: childhood trauma.
Much like the way that smells, flavors, and music can transport us to childhood. Some behaviors can unconsciously take us to feel exactly like when we began to yearn for changes in others. We wrongfully believe these changes could make us feel loved.
That hug that never came, the word of encouragement we crave, our painful caretaker absence– all those experiences have now morphed into an abusive relationship.
How can you build a way out of this maddening cycle? Start by getting your inner child’s permission. That frightened kid needs to feel reassured, needs to feel love-worthy, needs to understand that neither of you deserves this. You owe yourself to find something better.
You deserve and must find something better.
It’s not that easy:
Nothing I have written is easy. It takes years of therapy to recognize you really are your “worst enemy.” But, it all makes sense after you figure out the patterns that have guided you here.
Drawing a personal map, one that can connect some of your unconscious desires, can be a difficult, painful task. Still, it is even more painful recreating the same tragic story a thousand times.
Do you want to know why “all men are afraid of commitment”? Why haven’t you gotten that position you have been working for all these years? The only way to find the answer is by facing a mirror, facing the awful truth with all that it entails.
This process will require you to give yourself another opportunity, accepting that, sometimes, starting again can be a blessing in disguise.
Forgive yourself:
That’s the first step in the journey to reconnecting with love.
Have you made significant changes this year? Have you been able to recognize some patterns of behavior that were slowing you down? Where are you on the path to loving yourself?
In my next article, I’ll delve into the process I’ve been through in my life. Share your “excessive empathic experiences” in the comments, and let’s continue walking together towards personal growth.