How do you React to a Friend like this?

When a friend inadvertently offends you, how do you respond

A sorority sister invited me over for lunch recently which I thought was very sweet of her. She recently learned she has Parkinson’s disease and she’d said she didn’t feel like going out to a restaurant so she suggested we eat at her house instead. I was game as I’ve been to her house many times and everyone knows she and her husband are amazing cooks and they love to entertain.

What could go wrong?

I’ll call her, Beth, and as I’ve thought back on the details of our luncheon, I’ve realized some things about her that I either never noticed before, or that I’ve been accepting without ever giving it much thought. Maybe because there are so many things about her that I like?

Beth is cute and petite and she’s only a few years older than me so she’s maybe 75. We’ve been sorority sisters for maybe 16 years and in all that time I’ve noticed she always greets everyone with a warm friendly smile, she loves to laugh, and although she’s wealthy, she’s generous to a fault. No one would ever call her ‘stingy.’

She lives in a gated community of mansions that she’s revealed are mostly inhabited by one empty-nest couple whose driveways sport Lincoln’s, Audi’s, and Lexus.— Beth has a Tesla. You get the picture, right?

When she met me at the door I recalled later that she craned to look around me at her driveway as she said, “Oh, I’ve been looking for you, but I didn’t see you drive up. Come in, come in. Oh, you haven’t met Scarlet! She’s our latest baby.” Scarlet is an adorable silver miniature poodle who’s six months old so you know she’s tiny. Beth has always had a mini-poodle, but to her credit, she doesn’t carry them around in designer purses.

After I’d picked up overly-friendly Scarlet to avoid stepping on her, I followed Beth to the kitchen where I saw her countertop bar was already set for us and across from it were large containers of salads, croissants, cheeses, and a scrumptious meringue ‘something’ pie. Fabulous! My mouth began to water.

Our delicious lunch was sprinkled with light conversations about our mutual love/hate with our gardens, her recent trip, her diagnosis, and the latest news about other sisters until I brought up her Tesla. I hadn’t seen it before so I wondered if it was new. Yes, it was new, and then she said, “I see you’re still driving that Corolla. I thought you had an SUV.”

Now if you read some of my stories, you know I have a good sense of humor, a fair amount of snark, and I’m not easily offended, but really? I was a little taken aback, but I just chuckled and said, “Sure why not? I mean we bought it new and paid for it, it still looks great, and with gas being what it is, it only makes sense to keep it.” “Hmm, yeah of course, but weren’t you driving that when you joined the sorority? God Pam, that was what — 16 years ago?” Okay, now I was feeling incensed. “Beth, it doesn’t even have 100K miles on it so for a Toyota it’s not even broken in yet (chuckle), so I’m sorry if it makes me look like I’m your maid, but come one now!” She immediately began to back peddle… “Oh no, don’t take it like THAT! I didn’t mean it THAT way. Hey, I’m just saying Dave knows a car guy who would give you a great deal on it if you want to trade up. My daughter recently bought a Prius from him and he gave her an amazing deal. I’ll give you his name and number before you leave.”

We had dessert then, but for me, our luncheon was over. I no longer felt like making small talk with her anymore as I was — fighting off being offended.

I’d never thought of her as a snob before, but I couldn’t help it now. I began to wonder if all the compliments she’s given me in the past about my home, my decorating, my garden, and even my looks had actually been — forced fakery. Maybe it had just been her being ‘nice.’

Soon I was back in my Corolla heading home and I found I couldn’t get away from her addition fast enough and I’d never felt like this before. Even as I drove home I was aware I was now feeling self-conscious, like maybe other drivers were looking down on me and my car, too? And I was balling myself out for all these stupid new feelings, as I hatefully yelled out, “gee, thanks, Beth!”

I’ve gotten over it because that’s just the way I am. I can’t hold a grudge for very long and I still like Beth as we’ve had a lot of fun times together that make for great memories. And I’m very proud of myself for keeping this to myself by not calling any other sisters and whining about it. Although I am writing about it.

However, from now on I’m going to start paying more attention to how she acts and what she says. Maybe I’ve been giving her passes without realizing it. Maybe she truly is a rich snob who’s not as nice as I’ve always believed she is.

Have you ever been offended by a friend or a relative who’s made you think twice about yourself and them? If so, how did you handle it?

Thank you for reading and thoughtful writing everyone.