MENTAL HEALTH

How Do You Put Yourself First?

My default is to put the needs of others before mine

In the last session with my coach, Nelle said something important.

Something we all know.

Something I have heard and known for a long time, but dammit, it’s so hard to do.

She said: You have to put yourself first.

Then she gave it some nuance, saying she understood the situations with my husband and my son make it difficult, but she wants me to focus on my needs, and to put myself first. This will also be the focus of the sessions to follow.

Ever since that session, the question has been going round and round in my head: How exactly do you put yourself first?

My default setting

Throughout my life, I have always put the needs of others before my own. This happened when I was a child, where I would do anything to keep friends happy, and preferred not to have a group’s attention directed at me. From the moment I became a mom when I was sixteen years old, I put my own needs on the back-burner, and focused on those of my child, and later, children.

In all my relationships, my own needs were always subject to that of my partner. I should rephrase that: my needs were always subject to that of my partner and children.

In fact, my needs are always subject to that of the ones I interact with frequently, whether family, friends or colleagues.

Needs evoke emotions

I have always struggled with asking something — no matter what — for myself. It either makes me cry, or makes me angry.

One of the most difficult steps for me is to admit I’m in need, especially regarding attention or downtime or anything that will let the other person know I am not doing so well. I hate being weak, and yet I know admitting I need time for myself or need to talk is not being weak.

Believe me, I have had these conversations with myself so many times.

Admitting to myself and accepting my need always seems to make me cry.

Why?

Is it because at that moment I am being really honest with myself?

It is a kind of relief that I finally see it and am ready to admit it?

I don’t know.

I mentioned anger above. Sometimes I get past the phase of admitting it to myself, and then I have to ask for what I need, or mention I am going to do something because of my need.

In my mind, I start conversations — the same conversation, repeatedly — in which I explain my need, and offer the motivation for my request. Then, by the time I dare to speak the words, I am already so angry with the world that my words come out all wrong, and I can’t even remember all those beautiful ones that went around in my head.

Why, oh why, is it so difficult to admit your needs?

How do you put yourself first?

That’s the question, right? How do you put yourself first?

I wish I knew.

The coach said I should put myself at the top of my own agenda. I should stop pushing myself, doing things I ‘have’ to do, or as she phrased it: dismiss myself.

I look at the things I ‘push’ myself to do every day. Those have to do with work, with writing, with reading. Work is something that has to happen, and I am not working my full hours just yet, so there’s that. Writing always energizes me, so I keep on doing that. And reading? Well, I want others to read and comment on my work, so I do the same for them.

All other things I do are optional, and I don’t ‘push’ myself to do those. How can I lighten a load which I don’t see as a burden?

I’ve already stopped doing most of the housework and leave that to the cleaner. I don’t cook, my husband does that. Every Wednesday afternoon, I sit with my daughter and we color in our journals for hours. Every Tuesday evening and Saturday afternoon, I go out for dinner/lunch and drinks with my husband. I only go to the office on Mondays. I go for daily walks.

If I look at the things I do, I see a balance.

But is the balance really there? Even when I am writing, I’m very aware of my husband and that he might need me. That sounds heavy, but it’s not. It’s just part of the natural ebb and flow of my day.

Every day I check in with my son via text message, wanting to know if he’s okay, and I feel uneasy if I don’t send him a message, because yes, there are days when I am just not in the mood for the gloom.

My body is in pain, and just this morning I decided — in tears — that I need to stop walking for a couple of days, as it seems to aggravate the pain in my hips, bottom and leg.

I am taking care of myself. I really am. I am voicing when I’m tired and going to bed early. I am doing the things I want to do, like writing and reading, coloring or just watching a series.

The coach said I need to be honest with myself; honest about my real needs.

How in the world can I do that, if I don’t even know what my needs are? And if I don’t know my needs, how can I put myself first?

I don’t have the answers.

Do you?

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