How Do We Help Today’s Youth Get Some Much-Needed Grit

I’ve been through some shit — there is no way around it. And, honestly, I’m better for it. I didn’t have parents who rescued me or supported me emotionally. In fact, when I was twelve and experiencing depression, I asked my mom to see a therapist; she told me that I had nothing to be depressed about.

But here is the thing — I’m a total badass today and would not be if it were not for all of those experiences.

My struggles helped me learn grace, courage, and stamina in the face of big things like divorce, cancer, and the death of people I love. The combination of these three skills makes me a person who possesses quite a bit of grit. I attribute this to my ability to find great success in life.

Without these coping skills, I easily could have become alcoholic, suicidal, or battled with debilitating depression. This is not to say I don’t have my share of anxiety- I certainly do- but I’ve also got an outstanding tool kit to get on the other side when challenges arise.

In my work as a high school teacher, I’ve noticed a troubling trend; many of today’s high school students do not possess these qualities in the depth and manner that they will need to face the challenges that will inevitably await them.

And I think well-meaning parents are part of the problem.

This trend started in the “everybody gets a trophy” parenting style and has been exacerbated in the years after the COVID-19 disruption. There is a lack of “academic” stamina, but there is also a serious mental health crisis in our youth today.

Teaching has become more than the three R’s — it’s become crisis management in every classroom. Some days I feel more like a therapist than a teacher. While there is a part of me who loves being there for my students, I feel ill-equipped. So, I approach these interactions the same way I talk to my daughters. I play mom rather than therapist. I also immediately alert the necessary support a student needs that I can’t provide.

So, how can we help today’s young people acquire these important skills: grace, courage, and stamina

Grace. In a Seinfeld episode, Elaine is told that one cannot “attain grace, one either has grace or one doesn’t. In the episode, Elaine is informed that while Jackie O had grace, a crestfallen Elaine did not. As much as I love Seinfeld (I’ve seen every episode more times than I care to admit), I think they got it wrong.

If you dismiss the premise offered by Seinfeld and consider how we can foster grace, I believe that our young people will be better equipped for the world. To attain grace, one has to support the success of others. It is that simple. And while this will be really hard for our teens at first, it does get easier.

When you lose and see that others are more successful than you are and you react with love, support, and a genuine “attaboy”, that’s grace! Being kind, warm, and genuinely happy for another with no thought to oneself, is grace. Teachers and parents can encourage our kids to do this by setting an example! We can do that in our own life. Be happy (really happy) for the colleague’s promotion even if you wanted the same promotion. Let it go when someone cuts in front of you at the Starbucks line. All of these build up one’s ability to be gracious.

Courage. This one is a little harder- especially for parents. This requires a lot more than just setting a good example. This requires that parents allow their children to fail. I am a parent, so I know how hard it is to watch your child suffer with a coach who benches them for no reason or a friend who excludes them from a party. Or worse yet, watch a child make a mistake that you don’t think they can recover from.

When I was a kid of about 10, my mom came home from work and found me eating a candy bar that she knew I did not have the money to pay for. As soon as she confronted me, she saw the shame on my face and knew what I had done. I had shoplifted this from the local candy store that was walking distance from my house. My mom had her faults, but she did right by me in this moment, even though I hated her for it at the time. She marched me right down the corner store, all of my piggy bank change in hand, and made me admit to the store owner that I had taken the candy bar. I remember thinking I could not do it. That I would die of embarrassment. Well, I was embarrassed, but I did not die. I learned.

But courage also comes from more than taking change back to a candy store and owning what I had done. It also involves survival and excelling in unfair and difficult circumstances. Surviving when you think you can’t- but you do. For me, it was a cancer diagnosis, a challenging childhood, a bitter divorce…and the list goes on. Each day I didn’t think I could face another day — but I did! And one day of courage gives you the strength to survive the next (and likely harder) time.

But what parents miss, is that this courage starts in the smallest moment with kids.

In short, when parents remove obstacles for their children, they are not helping them. There used to be a term “helicopter parent”, which meant that parents hovered over their children and all of the decisions made. They micromanaged every aspect of a child’s life. This troubling trend has given way to “snowplow” parents. These parents remove every obstacle out of a child’s way, essentially, giving them green lights in the road of life. Well, if you’ve spent any time at all driving in Boston or Los Angeles, you know a life of green lights is fiction.

And to lead our kids to believe that is the real world is a disservice to them. So, let them get a 0 when they forget a paper. Or let them fail a test if they didn’t study. These will go a long way to a life of learning that to fail does not define us. What defines us is the ability to learn and get back up.

Stamina. Stamina is the idea that one can keep going even in the face of brutal exhaustion or thinking you can’t have one more meeting, or grade one more paper. For students, it is that they can’t manage one more game, or write one more paper. However, the ability to sustain physical or mental effort for long periods of time sets us apart from others. The ones who reach the greatest successes are the ones who keep going after others have given up. The ability to say I can do one more lap today than I did yesterday or I’m going to read more carefully than I did yesterday, even if that requires some coffee, are the ones who will be our future leaders. Not the ones who gave up. This requires stamina.

Back in the day, when I was a stay-at-home mom and Oprah was watching tv, Oprah had a motivational speaker on (I can’t remember who, it was the 90 after all), but what I did remember one thing that speaker said:

Power = strength over time.

This hit home to me and I think it is exactly what kids today need to think about. At the time, I was wrestling with how to manage divorcing my husband of 11 years. How could I regain my power? This idea of what power could be and a tangible formula to achieve it became a lifeline for me. I think it could be one for the youth of today as well.

And if you are interested in additional reading on grit — Check out Angela Duckworth’s Ted Talk. It is well worth the time.