How Did I Find My Mantra and My 6 Thoughtful Advice to Single Parents

Never use your single mom or single dad status as a Berlin Wall to stop you from achieving your dreams.

Having done all the work and carrying out responsibilities on my own, I would say, it is not easy. There was a moment that I thought the world has never been a fair place to live in. I get questions about single motherhood almost all the time, as What do you do for extra income? How do you handle things? How do you prepare for it? — One answer to all these: I am struggling.

Are you happy to be a single mother?

I am prouder of my years as a single mother than of any other part of my life — J.K. Rowling

Nobody wishes to be one — Trust me. No matter how strong a woman is, she has never wished to become a single mom. Not a second in her life ever wish for that. But hey, no one knows what the future holds, right? It is not a dream for any woman to become a single mom. I believe there must be something that triggers a woman (emotionally and physically) to make that sudden choice. One of the reasons is she might have been in a toxic relationship (for a long time). Toxic is as bad as cancer, perhaps worst than cancer. At least, cancer can be treated using the current technology we have today, but with a toxic relationship, it dies with us. It kills you from within — piece by piece — slowly. I don’t want to waste my precious life just because of this miserable past relationship that I had. I have a beautiful little daughter and wonderful parents and sisters— so why should I let this single mom status kills me?

I never imagined becoming a single mom one day. Well, (thank God) I am one of the single parents today. I never imagined how it feels like — until it happened to me. It took me more or less than three years to realize that I can be on my own. I could have my own freedom (well, don’t get me wrong) — It is not the freedom that I was looking for while I was still a wife. I just wanted to be treated as an equal to having someone that dear to me, to appreciate me more as his wife, and who is ready to accept me at my worst. So, am I happy to be a single mother? Yes, indeed — I am. This is my sincere response. I could do whatever I want with my daughter. We can go anywhere we want without being stopped by anybody. I finally went for a vacation again back in 2017 with my little daughter— to Johor and the neighboring country, Singapore. Last year, just before the Covid19 restrictions, I had a memorable road trip together with my daughter. We stayed in Cabana Retreat Resort and Dragon Beach Resort— we went to the beach, we took pictures, she made sandcastles — We really had a great time together!

Are you strong enough to be a single mother?

You never know how strong you are until being stronger is the only choice —Bob Marley

I have to admit that my life was like a roller-coaster for the first year of the separation— emotionally, financially, and spiritually… disturbed. One challenge after another kept coming my way. What did I do to overcome this situation? — Dare to Dream! I started by listing things in my ColorNote, an app that I installed on my phone. I listed a few things that I want to do or like to do or wish to have. It can be anything. From leisures to something big like playing the right role as a mom to my little daughter — trying not to ditch out any responsibilities upon her. Here are a few examples of both leisures and responsibilities:

(1) School fees for my little girl(1st Semester) ☑ (2) Ballet fees for my little girl ☑ (3) Little girl’s birthday (Frozen theme) ☑ (4) Diving ☑ (5) Vacation (International) 2017 ☑ 2018 ☑ 2019 ☑ 2020❎ 2021☐ (6) Vacation (Domestic) 2017 ☑ 2018 ☑ 2019☑ 2020☑ 2021☐ (7) Bungee Jumping ☑ (8) New bike for my little girl ☑ (9) Mount climbing ☑☐*climbed in 2019 but didn’t reach the peak. Will climb again. (10) e-book self-publishing ☐ (11) To build a house on own land ☐

You can list as many goals as you want. Some may be impossible to achieve within one or two years or more than five years, but hey it's your dreams — your life goals. I am not an entrepreneur and I don’t have any business on my own that could help me to roll in money. I am just a teacher, working from 7.00 a.m. to 1.00 p.m. which most of the time attending school meetings from 1.30 p.m. that could end up until 4.30 p.m. So, I don’t really make that much income here. But that would never stop me from having big dreams. Recently, I have started to invest a little in StashAway and begin to write articles on Medium. Well, there is always a starting point for something, right?

I have a dream — Martin Luther King Jr.

Listing my goals doesn’t mean that I am bragging things or whatever you want to call it. My point is clear. A single parent must dream big. Don’t let anything stop us from doing that. Remember, we only live once. If I can do this — So do you. There are many ways to dream big. It is not necessary to spend your money on high-end things. I know this does not make sense to some people. They might think that when someone is having a financial crisis, it is best to forget all the dreams. Is mission impossible?

I have achieved a few of the lists — Now I am focusing on the new lists for 2021. Now my daughter is six years old — In a Chinese private school; I have climbed Mount Kinabalu in 2019 — Even though I did not make it to the peak; I have traveled in 2017, 2018, and 2019; Lisa is still joining the IEC Ballet, actively; I had my first dive in 2020 and I did my first adrenaline rush sports bungee jump in Singapore (2019). All these listings have made me want to continue my life —want to continue experiencing things I like and have not done — and to have a strong positive mind. As a single mom, it is difficult but nothing is impossible. My relationship may have changed — my marriage may have come to an end but life must go on and there is no point in looking back. Honestly, I had no idea how I gained the strength to empower myself, to rebirth, to make the impossible become possible, to make myself believe that I could do things better than before. Bob Marley was right. You have no idea how strong you are until you have no other option— but to be strong.

As a single mom with one child, I do get tired and exhausted, especially when I had to do things twice. Twice the work and twice the stress too. I am a mom and at the same time, I am a father to my daughter. Not sure if you heard it before when they say it takes a strong mom to be a father too. So, I have to show twice the love and twice the care. Not an easy task, I admit it. I have no other option but to become stronger every day, and giving up is definitely not in my life dictionary either — Not a chance!

So, having said all of the above, clearly, I am not someone (important) like a politician or a business magnate like Elon Musk, not a face that you will see on T.V., but here are something that I would love to share with you, some ways that might help us to kick-start our journey as single parents.

My 6 Thoughtful Advice for Single Parents

(1)Stop Thinking That You Are Special and Incapable of Doing Anything

One thing you need to know is, I am not special as a single mom. You are not special as a single mom either (or as a single dad). I’m sorry if this sounds a bit harsh. I know some people that would mourn over themselves for so long, for being a single parent. Please stop making yourself so special that puts you in this bottom-up little category with all these limitations for life. Always think that as a single parent, you are competent in doing anything you want. Never use your status as a Berlin Wall to stop you from being happy and doing what you want. I am a single mom — I can’t travel, I can’t go out with my friends because nobody looks after my kids, or I want to continue my studies but I am a single mom. We are no different than those moms with husbands or partners. I know it’s going to be hard for the first year but you’ll get through it if you start believing yourself and stop using a single mom status to avoid doing things that you like. Once you living your life without restrictions, you will feel free and happy with what you are doing.

(2) Start Investing Your Money I know when we are single parents, it can be very hard for us to save some money, especially when we have to start our life from scratch. However, I always believe the universe will always be kind to us. No matter how difficult the road may take us, we will eventually find our way. Here are a few savings hack and other platforms that we can consider.

(i) Set up auto-transfer from your bank account ( your salary bank account). You can set up auto-transfer to investment accounts like gold investment account or Unit Trust account. Every country has its own investment sources. You may start with any amount that you can afford. It depends on your budget.

(ii) Set up an Emergency Fund account. You may set up an auto transfer to your emergency fund account and try not to use the money unless it is really an emergency. You may start with the least amount of $30 for the first 6 months then upgrade it to $50 or $100 a month — within a year, you can save up more than $600.

(iii) Start buying stocks under $50 or more. You can start buying stocks from Amazon, Netflix, or Facebook as low as $5 to $10. However, be aware of likely bankruptcy stocks especially companies that have balance sheets and don't go too heavy on these stocks — always expected the downside.

(3)Make Use of Social Media as Platforms for Side Income:

(i)Build a Small Business by Selling Your Products You can sell your old clothes, used bags, used designer shoes, or any unwanted things on eBay/Etsy/Facebook/Pinterest/Instagram or any other social media websites. Be more creative in promoting your products.

(ii) Becoming a YouTuber Becoming a Youtuber is no joke these days. You can do anything on YouTube. You can do a video about your children playing with their toys (remember how Ryan Kaji's mom started the video of her son? — You may want to scroll my page for that article). You can talk about your bag collections, book collections, or your diet routine. Perhaps you want to talk about your life journey as a single parent or you want to share your videos on how to cook eggs in 5-ways. Literally — almost anything! Just make sure the videos that you want to do are those of searchable videos on YouTube. If you are really into becoming a YouTuber, then you should start to think of getting few basic items for your videos which I think are the most essential things: A computer or a laptop, a better camera, a tripod, good quality microphones, and a ring lighting.

(iii) Becoming a Blogger You can write your stories on WordPress, Blogger, or continuously write articles on Medium. But you have no idea what to write? No worries — I was in that situation before. If you scroll through my page on Medium, you will get what I mean. Practice makes perfect! Do read other writers’ articles as well to get the whole ideas on how to write the right ways so your articles will get more views or been curated. At the moment I am typing this, none of my articles have been curated on Medium. If you think writing on Medium is hard, then you should be in my shoes for struggling with this language. I am not a native English speaker and English is not my first language — Hope you’ll get the point.

(4) Joining Upwork Website If you have some professional skills — Upwork is the best website for you. You can find many jobs in Upwork like graphic designs, data analysis, website creator, photographer, copywriting, freelance writer, translator, just to mention a few. Anyone can join this — whether you already have a solid career or not, Upwork is one of the best options if you have other related skills or you have other talents like writing a story for children or writing a novel — then you can apply for a job under Ghostwriter. My only advice is to create a great profile and prepare the best portfolio before you apply for any job.

(5) Turning Your Passion into a Business If your passion is into cooking or baking and you are really good at it, use that skill you have by starting up a small business from home. Use Facebook, Instagram, or WhatsApp to promote your food. You may start promoting your cooking with family members. Then they will help you to promote it to their colleagues and friends. The colleagues will promote it to their family members and friends. So the chain continues on and on — and without you realizing it, your business is growing, and expect more orders coming in. Besides cooking and baking, if you have other passions like oil painting, making small crafts, or sewing just to mention a few, you can consider of level up your passion into a business.

(6) It’s Time to Embrace Yourself and Your Children This is the right time to love yourself. I know this may be a bit cliché but it’s really true. Take some time to find your path — understand yourself. Don’t rush looking for partners. You may just need them in times of you feel depressed or alone. You may think it’s a real feeling you have but trust me, that is a rebound. It is just not fair to them if you are not fully connected to yourself. Fully enjoy the presence of you and your child or children and embrace every moment that you have.

To all the single parents out there, cheers to ourselves! Remember, we are capable of doing all we want despite being single parents. I believe it takes a lot of hearts and struggles, and a lot of will to be that one strong woman or man we want to be, with a heart of steel to raise a child (or children) — Alone and succeed! Don't you think we are the next Iron Man?