How Dealing With Racism Parallels an Abusive Relationship
My psyche survived my marriage, but will it survive racism?
I thought I was going to die.
When I saw the 20-pound weight raised high above his head, I went into self-preservation mode and subconsciously left my body. The thought of dying that way was just too much to absorb.
I could see a 28-year-old woman who looked just like me with the fear of death in her eyes. I wanted to help her, to comfort her, to reach out and tell her it was going to be okay but at that moment, I knew I couldn’t guarantee her safety.
My mind raced to figure out how to stop my ex-husband from slamming the weight into my head and crushing my skull while my two small children lie sleeping in the next room. The thought of them finding their mother in that condition filled me with a dread deeper than any of the physical and emotional pain I’d already endured.
After what seemed like an eternity but was actually only a few seconds, I felt my mind easing back into my body and heard myself involuntarily calling out my son’s name. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t yelled “help” or just simply screamed, but somehow hearing our son’s name made my ex-husband lower his hand and drop the weight to the ground. In hindsight, I firmly believe God guided me at that moment to save my life, which ultimately allowed me to flee with my children from a real-life nightmare.
The correlation between racism and abuse
Recovering from an abusive relationship is a lifetime journey. There will always be certain triggers that take a survivor of domestic violence back to their most vulnerable and fearful moments. Thankfully, I have learned to deal with this aspect of my life through therapy and with the enduring love from my family and friends. I’ve been able to forge ahead, raise two successful and remarkable human beings, and piece my wounded psyche back together one day at a time.
Freeing myself from sharing time and space with my ex-husband on a daily basis has no doubt aided my continuing recovery. But how often do Black people have the opportunity to escape the pain of racism to allow the healing process to begin? Similar to the way a survivor of abuse would be traumatized repeatedly if confronted with their abuser at work, at home, on the train, in the grocery store, at church, or wherever she went, victims of racist attacks — whether physical or mental — face recurrent suffering living in an oppressive society.
The 20-pound weight my ex-husband held over my head with the intent to kill me also represents the weight hanging over the heads of Black people who live with racism. We don’t know when we will receive that final crushing blow that will end our lives as we know it. We could encounter a racist cop during a random traffic stop with something to prove, a hate group armed with assault rifles that harbor grudges against people with dark skin, a white woman who has never interacted with a Black person and out of unwarranted fear, calls 911 to report she feels threatened, or one of our children could be out with friends having innocent fun but because of their hue, they could be labeled as a “thug” which instantly puts their lives in danger.
Living with the knowledge that death could come simply while functioning in our normal lives and minding our own business creates deep-seated trauma that could lead to anxiety, post-traumatic stress syndrome, depression, and even suicidal idealizations. The subject of mental health is often attributed to concerns for the white community but is rarely a topic discussed with the goal of assisting Black Americans whose trauma is directly related to the racist conditions in this country. Just as a survivor of abuse deserves to have the resources available to recover from the anguish of her experience, Black people are suffering living in these conditions. Until white people decide to relinquish their hold on perpetuating white supremacy, Black people will continue to exist in a stressful state that prohibits us from living our lives the way we were intended.
Like abuse, the ordeal of racism spills over to all aspects of life
Years after my marriage ended, the fear I subconsciously developed towards men who expressed themselves forcefully remained. I would visibly flinch whenever I heard a man with a deep voice speak loudly, even if he was just cheering for a favorite sports team or speaking at a rally. That sound took me back to a place when I felt helpless, and it was a place I never wanted to revisit. But since I could control where I would go, I began to consciously remove myself from situations that elicited loud screams while I went through my healing journey. Thankfully through exercises, I was able to disassociate that trigger and begin a new path to living the rest of my life.
Racism does not allow Black people that same opportunity. For example, once we have a frightening experience with a hateful police officer, we don’t have the option to remove ourselves from the presence of law enforcement. They are everywhere we go and even if we don't see them in the street, we see them on television when they murder one of our own. Likewise, if we are discriminated against or taunted at work, we could quit the job but there’s no guarantee that our next superior won’t also subscribe to that same racist, hateful behavior.
Living while Black is like walking an eternal tightrope. One false move can send us plummeting into circumstances that change the entire course of our journeys. Speaking up for our rights in a public forum could land us in jail or end our lives. Standing up against racism in the workplace may result in immediate termination and a permanent mark on our careers, blocking us from other opportunities. Walking through a hotel lobby while Black and holding an iPhone could result in being assaulted and accused of robbery. Jogging alone and unarmed in a residential area could be perceived as a threatening presence that ends with our death in the middle of the street. Debating a police officer who wrongfully pulled us over has the potential of fatal consequences that never result in arrests or charges. And as a preteen, playing with a toy gun could give the impression of being a murderer, rendering you a threat to be murdered in cold blood.
These are activities that the average white person engages in without so much as a second thought. Not so for us as Black people. We are intelligent human beings and understand what not to do to stay on the right side of the law and to keep ourselves and our families safe. But what happens when just living our normal lives still does not bring us the protection we rightfully deserve as Americans?
Racism, like abuse, is rooted in insecurity and the need to control
My ex-husband did not think much of himself nor did he have any belief in his own ability to succeed in life. He repeatedly took issue with me when I expressed my desire to become a published author and devote my life to writing about the world around me. He taunted me, laughed at my goals, and told me I would never make it. Three successfully published books later (and the fourth on the way), I can now look at his behavior from a different vantage point. He was threatened by the thought of me becoming successful and no longer needing him so he was determined to do whatever he could to make me stop dreaming and stay subservient to him.
He was an insecure, abusive bully in our marriage, and no one likes or tolerates a bully.
We encourage children to speak up when they are bullied in school. We tell them to speak to adults they can trust to let them know what’s going on to spare them from that type of abuse.
Institutions have been created to give survivors of domestic violence a safe place to go with their children while they rebuild their lives.
Animal shelters are in every city to save dogs and cats from being mistreated, beaten, or starved by their owners.
People donate hundreds of thousands of dollars to stop the inhumane slaughter of seals.
There are many organizations that exist to aid those wrongfully targeted by abusive, controlling, and destructive people who in their sickness take pleasure in bullying and overpowering their victims. But there are very few organizations designed to protect Black Americans from the damaging psychological effects of racism and white supremacy.
Racism is the vilest and most destructive form of bullying. The perpetrator knows they have the upper hand and uses this information to control their prey. From inflicting fear tactics to exclusion, blatant discrimination, ridicule, and sheer cruelty, a racist person uses their power to deconstruct the psyche of Black people and keep them subservient to their will. It’s one of the most heinous unpunished crimes in history because it has the ramifications to affect entire generations.
A racist person is eternally insecure because like my ex-husband, they don't believe they possess the goods to succeed in life. They haven’t mastered the art of self-love and instead project their failures on others. And since Black people are among the most hated and feared in this country, we become their prime target. But what they dread the most is a Black person “taking” what they feel belongs to them and their families. These types of people have the kind of hate in their hearts similar to The Grinch. Their minds are consumed with bitterness and often entertain the following thoughts:
How dare this Black person be successful!
How can they drive a better car than I do or live in a home bigger than mine!
They must have stolen it or got it by dealing drugs or got some sort of hand out because surely they don’t have the intelligence or skill to achieve that kind of wealth on their own.
The hope of a racist person is to completely dismantle a Black person’s drive and dedication to succeed to keep the power of white supremacy alive. But considering what Black people have already overcome in a society that was literally designed for us to not only fail but to remain in eternal servitude, the chances of that happening share the same outcome of a snowball in hell.
Racism is REAL. It must be acknowledged and addressed across the board to affect REAL change
It turns my stomach when I hear white people suggest that Black people are “complaining” or “whining” or “playing the victim” when it comes to racism. A woman who is hit by her husband is no less a victim of domestic violence simply because the woman next door has a loving and devoted spouse. Similarly, racism doesn’t cease to exist because white people aren’t affected by it.
No person with even a sliver of compassion would accuse an abused woman of “complaining” about the pain she endured at the hands of her abuser. And I doubt anyone would chastise a child suffering from the antagonism of a school-yard bully. Even if the observer had never been abused or bullied, the human element we all possess should allow us to empathize with their plight and do whatever is in our power to help. This is the mindset needed to completely eradicate racism. The instinct to victim blame and minimize the effects of continuous oppression must cease to exist before positive change can truly be reflected in this society.
There are many white people who grew up believing Black people suffer only because of their own inadequacies. While no person is perfect, racism is undeniably a major contributing factor to the detriment of many of my people. Living with a continuous 20-pound weight over our heads is enough to remove the comfort, safety, and ability to move freely in any space that most white people have the luxury of taking for granted.
For my white readers, take this to heart. Racism is as destructive as domestic violence. You would not turn your back on a woman whose husband was beating her; do not turn your back on the physical and emotional scars that your continued compliance with white supremacy and racism inflicts upon us every single day.
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