How Dancing Changed My Life

by Lorette Vacchiano

Note: This story deals with addiction and suicide ideation as well as recovery. If you find these topics disturbing, use caution if you read further.

My 31-year old only son Joe died of a drug overdose on September 2018. I’d been dealing with Joe’s addiction since he was 16 years old. Throughout this time, I was on medication for anxiety and depression. It’s the toughest thing to be the parent of an addicted person whom you love. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

I went through so many tragic things with him during his addiction. Every time the phone rang, my anxiety would go through the roof, because I never knew if it would be someone telling me that he had died. It was my greatest fear, and it came horribly true.

After Joe died, the grief and depression were so overwhelming that I began having panic attacks and long episodes of intense sobbing that made me feel paralyzed. I could barely get enough motivation to get out of bed. Life was no longer important to me; I just wanted to curl up in my bed and die. I’d been through so much trauma in the past with him and the rest of the family that I just wanted to throw in the towel.

Suicide seemed like a way to escape the pain. It was so bad that I begged my husband for us to go away for the winter and holidays because I knew I couldn’t handle being in my house and community at that time with all of the memories. So we left Pennsylvania and went to Florida as “snowbirds.”

Finding My Way

When we returned to Pennsylvania in the spring, Joe’s death really hit me hard again. However, because I am a survivor in many ways, I knew I had to do something to provide a respite for the clinical depression and profound grief. I told my husband that the only thing that would help me deal with the emotional and mental anguish would be my dancing. I knew it would be expensive, but it would benefit me more than going to a psychologist.

I have loved to dance since I was a child, and it was my passion. I danced throughout my life (oldies line dancing, jitterbug, disco, freestyle), but was never formally taught. Eleven years ago, I took group ballroom dance lessons every week and danced socially almost every weekend.

My husband supported my decision to immerse myself in dancing. He knew that in the past, when I was dealing with all sorts of tragic circumstances and challenges, dancing was my only salvation.

Throughout 64 years of my life, dancing was the only thing that made me happy — when I went through a nasty divorce from my first husband, for instance, and when I survived ovarian cancer and other medical complications. When I took care of my mother and father when they were too old and sick to care for themselves. When I went through tough times with school administrators when I was a teacher. And when I saw every one of my siblings tragically pass away before their time (as well as my parents).

All of my life, it was my dream to center my life around my dancing with lessons, performing, and competing. I had never gotten the opportunity to do this until recently.

Dancing into Joy

Since my son died, I joined a ballroom dance studio and now take three private dance lessons a week. I’ve performed in four showcases and just finished my second competition. I have met so many wonderful people in the Pennsylvania and Florida dance community who have become my dear friends and supporters. Many of these friends have provided me with emotional support during my tough days when I am not on the dance floor.

I am also in the best shape physically that I have been in a long time. Besides dropping 15 pounds without dieting, dancing has lessened my grief and depression tremendously. It releases the “feel good” endorphins and brings me SHEER JOY!

I’m on “cloud 9” when I dance, feeling euphoric and escaping all my troubles, including my grief. It’s a feeling that only dancers know, such a high that I wish I could bottle it! Being on the dance floor is truly my happy place and always has been.

I thank God every day for the tremendous gift of dance. Now I feel like I can function again. I still have good days and bad with depression, but it is much better since I got involved with dance again. It has given me the ability to move forward.

Dancing is the first thing in the morning that I think about and the last thing I think about before I go to bed. When is my next opportunity to dance? If I were wealthy enough to take private lessons every day, I would. If I could work at a dance studio as a trained instructor, I would. That’s how much I LOVE it! I really don’t know what I would have done or where I would be if it were not for my dancing. It is my life, my salvation.

I am now able to live my dream and dance my passion!