How Changing My Office Set-Up Set Me Up For Failure in Everything To Do With Writing

All because I read a little story on Medium by Tim Denning.

Tim Denning, it’s all your fault. If you hadn’t written that little story on what your office set-up was like, I never would have felt this urge to one-up you.

Your article, The Dream Home Office Setup for a Writer Working from Home (The exact office setup I use to reach millions of monthly readers that can inspire your own work from home office.), inspired me.

In your article, you indicate your simple set-up allowed you to write things that have reached millions of readers.

Well, of course, taking the next step is logical. . .

If you have reached millions of people with your “simple” set-up, then to reach billions of people, I am going to need a much more “not simple” set-up.

Before Tim Denning

Before I read Tim’s article, I was content with the set-up you see in the picture below.

As you can see in the “Before” picture, I had a simple set-up. I was a simple man, who wrote simple stories that came from my simple, but brilliant mind. My stories reached tens of people on a single basis, then died a simple death. I was content, I was productive, and I was happy-ish.

Then along came Tim.

And his description of his set-up. And his pictures. And his number of readers. And the rational mind escaped me.

So, I followed his path and ended up with my own set-up. But first, the “Before.”

Desk Let’s start with the foundation of my work. The desk was a simple folding table with half the veneer torn off. Because I am a big man, I like a lot of space. Of course, as anyone knows, the more space you have, the more space you fill. . .with junk.

Yes, there are several problems with this set-up. One, like a lot of brilliant yet unhinged writers, I am a slob. Used napkins from eating at the desk while I ponder my next masterpiece are scattered over the surface. Mainly, because I used them to blow my nose and I didn’t want to touch them.

Other items on the table include toilet paper(for my occasional bouts of diarrhea of the “hand”) and the neck massager I bought that I put there because there was room. I just never moved it.

The cowboy hat I bought so I could be like P.G. Barnett. I wear it while writing, hoping to be as prolific and sexy as him. I left it there to remind me how far I have to go to become even a reasonable facsimile of the “Dude The Ladies Find Sexy.” Trust me when I say, according to my lack of dating app responses, I am not even close.

Some other stuff on there includes a light I put there for effect when I took this picture and a printer that never works right.

Computer I once subscribed to Tim’s way of thinking. I don’t need much off a computer to write. Aside from occasional research into porn and an occasional article, I really only use the computer to stalk Holly Jahangiri Julia E Hubbel Kristi Keller Eli Snow P.G. Barnett and Kevin Buddaeus (if you would also like to be stalked by me, just leave a comment in the story and I’ll get right to it.) I left a few names off this list because I didn’t want to sound creepy, or anything.

Oh, the computer. . .I hid it because I stole it from my last work place. It’s basically a brick. Heavy, clunky, slow, very little memory, and a big, difficult to remove sticker with my former employer’s name on it. Some things must remain secret.

The Space

A storage room in my new place. It’s dark, and cold, and lonely, like my new life. *Sigh*

After Tim Denning

As you can see from the “After” picture, I am now close to a God of writing. I am now a not-so-simple man with a brilliant mind who can’t seem to come up with any writing ideas. But when I do, those tools I now have will bring me power and glory!

Desk Based on Tim’s philosophy, I felt it was important to create my own unique writing environment because, as we all know, the more writing stuff you have, the more professional you look, even if you can’t write. And, appearances are the most important part of being a writer, am I right?

So, in that spirit, I bought an adjustable height stand-up desk made somewhere in China with carcinogenic materials, falsified product testing results and fake customer reviews used to show it as a superior product (just kidding whoever made this desk). That was all I needed.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t afford the electric model from Ikea like Tim has, so I had to get the hand-crank style. That’s the bent metal thingy sitting next to the old fashioned writing implement. I typically have to wait about a week to adjust it because that’s when my son comes over for my week. It’s hard work to turn the cranky-thingy and raise up the desk.

Stuff on the Desk

Monitors Tim said he used to use two monitors but found when he used his laptop he couldn’t function as well with just the one screen. Or something like that. To that I say, “Lightweight!” Clearly, I have superior concentration skills to Tim, because I have THREE monitors.

Admittedly, I haven’t figured out how to coordinate the screens so I can use them properly, but that is beside the point. The fact that I have THREE screens clearly demonstrates I am a HIGHLY professional writer. More so than even Tim Denning. Now, if I could just learn to write like him.

Microphone, Boom, and Black Thingy That Goes behind The Mic If you don’t have these three things, you will never reach the pinnacle of your career-your own podcast! More Chinese stuff that came with no directions, but looks pretty cool. I plugged it into my computer, but can’t figure out how to use it, yet. There is no on/off switch, so I don’t know if it’s always on and I am being monitored by the Chinese military, or if I have to do something else. Another project for my son when he comes back over. But once I get it running, look out Joe Rogan!

Headphones These used to be great. I loved these. Sound dampening, full on stereophonic sound. Lasted about as long as it took me to lose the charging cable, which was within a few weeks. Ah, well. It’s on my Christmas list for things to buy myself.

Computer Nice! I went from a brick to a high speed gaming system. It cost me lots of money. . .well, it’s on the credit card so SOME day it will cost me a lot of money.

Unfortunately, I don’t play computer games. So, when my son comes over, he kicks me off for the week and I can’t get any writing done. But when he’s gone, man! I can sit there for hours waiting for the ideas to come.

Webcam That little brown box on the desk contains my webcam, another Chinese product. I’m afraid to hook it up because I hear they can operate it remotely. And since I moved my office next to my bed, well, heh, heh, can’t have the Chinese watching how the magic happens now, can we?

Tape Dispenser This is a cool little thing I found at the dollar store. It is a little plastic thing that allows you to pull out this sticky, clear paper called tape. Okay, I know what it is. It’s just so “old school” to have on the desk, right? I discovered that if you strategically apply this tape to parts of your face, you can make yourself look really strange.

I’m guessing Tim doesn’t have one of these little beauties!

Journal This is my prized possession! You see that colorful little book next to the microphone? That’s it.

The cover is leather and has these child-like drawings on it from some fella named Van Gogh. A little practice and I think he might turn out to be pretty good.

A lot of writers say you should get a journal and write stuff down in it. That’s cool and stuff, but that's why I have the computer. So, I am still trying to figure out what to use it for, but I thought it would look cool in the picture. Right now, I use it for a coaster.

Cowboy Hat Notice it missing from the picture? That’s because my son was so embarrassed when I wore it out, he took it and donated it to Goodwill. He said I looked like a “roofing nail” when I wore it. I don’t know what that means.

I’m currently searching on line for a replacement. This time, I think I’ll go with white and dangling frills, like a real Texas Cowboy! P.G. Barnett will be sooo jealous!

Location, Location, Location I strategery-cally placed my desk near my bed and my bathroom. The bathroom makes sense. It’s where I do my best thinking. And it’s easy to stand up and hop over with my pants down while in the middle of my business to write some quick ideas.

Being near my bed allows me to take those quick naps I need when all those ideas start flowing through my brain and wearing me out.

Flow State Tim says you have to find your “flow state.” He describes it as “. . .like teleporting from consciousness to a dreamland in your mind where effort looks easy.” Well, I must say I have no idea what he is talking about in a meta-physical way, but I think I get the concept. I think his namesake, Timothy O’Leary invented “flow state.”

In Tim’s article about “flow state,” which I connected to in the words “flow state,” he says, “Altering how you perceive time is a powerful concept. When time looks and feels different, you look and feel different. People spend so much of their lives chasing experiences and trying to change state.”

Well, considering his “flow state” article has 15k views and counting(I’ve read it at least three times, so 15,003), I’m guessing there must be something to this. So, I intend to start working on teleporting and altering time. I’m hoping if I can learn those things, I can teleport back in time to that frat party where those 3 coeds and I went to the basement and. . .er, better save that for my erotica pen-name stories.

Conclusion

So, there you have it. I now have a beautiful space to write and be creative. My desk and computer are really expensive, I have a cool podcast microphone, three screens, and close access to a bathroom. . .oh, and close to my bed for those creative naps.

What’s the “takeaway” here? Well, I think it’s safe to say that the more writing stuff you have, the more you’ll feel and look like a writer. And if you have more stuff than Tim Denning, you should be able to easily out perform him.

Now, as soon as I get some ideas, Tim, I’m taking over! Any day now, I expect to reach billions of readers with my writing because I have all these cool things. Any day, now. Yep, any day.

If only this stuff came with some writing ideas. . .

Charles Roast is a brilliant satirist and humorist. He is known for his sophisticated wit and humor, as well as unparalleled writing abilities. He writes for himself, to lessen the pressure his brilliance puts on his brain-holder. He currently half-assed-ly runs two publications: One, Dad-Bods, will accept work from other writers. The second, Voices In My Head, is solely for Mr. Roast to let loose. Please feel free to follow both.

Mr. Roast would like to assure Mr. Denning that he really appreciates Mr. Denning’s articles and frequently reads them, hoping to learn something. Thank you, Mr. Denning.

Mr. Roast enjoys comments from readers and will usually respond back.

If you’d like to reach him, you can email him at [email protected].