How Caring For My Sick Parent Taught Me to Care For Myself
You deserve your own love more than anyone else.
In 2019, my mom was diagnosed with both colon and ovarian cancer.
As you would expect, it was the most devastating experience I had ever had to date. I immediately took on the role of being her ‘caregiver’. Suddenly, nothing else was important but taking care of her.
I brought her to doctor’s appointments, support groups, and helped in any part of daily life that she needed.
The day she started her first chemotherapy treatment was the first day of my long-awaited internship with a promising organization. It wasn’t exactly the experience I foresaw months prior when I was first offered the position.
Nothing about the next year and a half was as I thought it would be. My mother was confronted head-on by death and all I wanted to do was die.
Having to care for a sick parent isn’t exactly the easiest place to find yourself, and I spiraled. Hard. Until I realized that if I was going to make it through this difficult time I needed to also be there for myself.
I found the support I needed.
I spent a lot of time being the strong one for my family. My number was the one that was dialed when someone needed assurance that my mom was going to be okay.
As much as I enjoyed being that beacon of hope for others, I also needed to have a number that I could call. So, I enrolled in therapy.
There is a lot of negative connotation associated with therapy. Oftentimes people see it as a sign of weakness. But, even if it is, what is so wrong with admitting when you are weak?
At first, my sessions felt like foreign territory for me. It was weird to sit in front of a stranger and admit that I felt like my emotions had spiraled out of control. I did it though and it was a freeing experience.
I finally had my beacon of hope and I didn’t feel so alone in the journey I was traveling alongside my mom.
Eventually, my sessions even extended beyond cancer and I was able to start making sense of other areas of my life.
The act of being open and honest with myself transcended into all areas of my life which were things that even before cancer, I wasn’t. I was in denial of past traumas, unsure about day-to-day decisions, and even the people in my life.
I realized that my coping techniques were vices.
When I wasn’t upholding a façade of strength and optimism, I was drowning my sorrows in alcohol.
To be honest, the flights of tequila shots I would down never helped me cope. A lot of times it would only make my sadness worse. I think it felt better to be drunk and sad versus sober.
As time went on, I finally realized that my weekly if not daily trips to the liquor store were counteracting my overall goal of wanting to feel okay and genuinely strong.
So, I found better ways to cope with the weight of cancer.
Falling in love with exercise
As physically exhausted as I would feel from running on the treadmill after completing 8-hour shifts at work, I began to feel stronger mentally.
I needed that. Plus, I was tending to my health as a whole.
My days no longer ended on lows.
Reuniting with my love for writing
Ever since I can remember I’ve always had a passion for writing. I’ve always loved being able to articulate my thoughts through written words.
I sought out any opportunity that I could to creating something, whether it was writing research papers for classes, fiction stories for fun, or journaling.
Unfortunately, the older that I got and the more things I started adding to my life (i.e. work, friends, etc.) I stopped. I would even say it was a hard stop, like quitting cold-turkey.
After my mom’s diagnosis, I became withdrawn from friends. I always felt like I was a burden to them because of the constant state of misery I was in. I felt bad constantly bringing up how I was feeling.
So, I began journaling again. It was freeing to be able to purge everything that was on my mind and in my heart.
Since then, I haven’t stopped and I’ve promised myself that I won’t ever again. To be able to write is something that is incredibly important to me and is part of what makes me ‘me’.
Solidifying the relationship that I have with God
I’ve always believed in God. Of course with the busyness and distractions that can come with everyday life, I hadn’t always taken the time to thank Him for all the life that he has allowed me to live.
My mom’s diagnosis gave me the push I needed to accept how much I actively need Him in my life.
Over the last 18 months or so, I have spent a great deal of time talking to Him and seeking guidance on what I should do next.
For me, there’s comfort in knowing that God is always there. That comfort was something that I had been missing for so long. In the thick of her journey and today, I feel like I have more confidence and understanding.
How you can better care for yourself.
You don’t need to tend to a sick loved one to have an excuse to be better to yourself. You should just do so.
When faced with adversity, there are so many outlets out there to chose from to help relieve the negativity surrounding you. However, just because you feel ‘better’ momentarily doesn’t mean that what you are doing is actually benefiting you.
Finding a healthy way to alleviate stress has way more benefits, short-term and long-term, than any vice.
To better understand how you can be a better ally to yourself, it’s important to take the time to reflect on the things that bring you the most joy in life. Once you’ve figured that out, hold onto those things with your entire being.
Always try to be easy on yourself. If you are going through something, allow yourself to go through it. Be present for and take care of yourself.
To wrap up on a high note, my mother is just a couple of months shy of being 2-years cancer-free by the grace of God. She’s a testament to the power of keeping your faith and staying optimistic.
