How Can You Tell if You’re in Love?
Five tips and one sure way to help you figure it out.
How can you tell if you’re in love?
I’ve often opined that if you have to ask, you’re NOT; but are there some definitive markers we can look to for this answer? My parents were happily married for 50 years before my dad’s death, and growing up in a household where healthy emotional intimacy was demonstrated daily, I feel like I can say YES, there are things you can concretely identify to give you the guidance you need.
#1 Is this person your “go-to” counsel on all matters great and small?
Now, I would NEVER recommend that you give anyone complete control or veto power over your decision-making process, but the one you love should be sitting at the head of the table here. Is this the person who you respect so much that their opinion, even when it differs from yours, holds powerful sway? Is this the person who demonstrates, in your opinion, such integrity in their own decision-making process that you can’t help but appreciate the outcome, come-what-may? Is this the person who you believe, without a doubt in the world, has your best interests at heart?
Then that is love.
#2 Do you crave this person’s physical presence?
This is not just about sex; everyone who has an iota of maturity understands that sexual response will wax and wane over the course of any long-term, healthy relationship.
This is about — does this person’s PRESENCE make you feel comforted?
Does this person’s PRESENCE make you feel safe?
Does this person’s PRESENCE make you feel cherished?
Oh, and as for the sex part — do you thoroughly enjoy this person’s taste, smell, feel, sound and touch?
If not, then that is not love.
#3 Does this person make you laugh?
Hey, not everybody is a comedian, nor should they be.
This isn’t about having the quip or one-liner on the tip of your tongue, this is about ENJOYMENT.
Do you enjoy your partner’s style of communication? Do you enjoy the process your partner goes through in coming to conclusions? Do you enjoy their passion for music, art, food, childrearing, whatever it is that brings them happiness?
Do you respect this person’s emotional responses, good, bad and ugly? Do you want to understand them, validate them, empower them? Can you appreciate them even on their darkest days?
Then that is love.
#4 Do you feel compassion for this person’s wounding and limitations?
Hey, NO ONE (but no one) is perfect, and if your partner has characteristics that are not wholly pleasing to you…then welcome to the club. You are not perfect and have no right to demand this standard from anyone. Instead, do you look at your loved one through the prism of acceptance, understanding that even our weaknesses are part of a larger mosaic that makes us who we are?
Can you accept your partner AS IS, knowing that they became the way they are through experience and that there is no shadow without light, there is no strength without weakness, there is no whole without pieces? Can you live with their darkness, understanding that they came by it honestly and need compassion, not recrimination? Can you encourage their healing with support and healthy boundaries?
If you cannot accept and understand the person you are with for who they are today, then that is not love.
#5 Do you desire their freedom above all else?
Do you want to see your partner become their best self, no matter how that manifests in your relationship? Do you want them to pursue their art, their passion, their dreams? Would you support them in going for the farthest outpost of their true self, even if it meant physical separation, even if it meant financial outlay, even if it meant you ultimately could not be together?
See, that is LOVE.
Love is never about ownership or control or mandates.
Love sees the whole picture and understands that while growth is probable, it cannot be required to make TODAY work out. Love does not feel threatened by the “what if?”; it is fortified by the “what is”. Love is gratified by the mere existence of the beloved, without a need for his or her compliance, cooperation or agreement.
And the only way all of the above can be true?
#6 Do you TRUST?
This is it.
This is the bedrock, the spring point, the beginning, and the end.
DO YOU TRUST?
Trust your partner, trust the relationship, trust the future?
If you trust, you have everything anyone could ever dream of because you know that no matter what the challenges you face, you have someone responsible, intelligent, compassionate, decent, capable and truly invested in your well-being by your side.
If you listen to, laugh with, feel compassion for, crave, respect and wish nothing but the highest and greatest good for another?
YOU ARE IN LOVE.
Lucky you.
More from Kara Post-Kennedy on Medium:
About Kara Post-Kennedy
Kara is an executive editor and columnist at The Good Men Project; a blogger at YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND (http://karapostkennedy.blogspot.com/) and Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kara-postkennedy/) former Editor in Chief at OTV Magazine and current managing editor at Heart and Humanity magazine. a Mom. You can follow me on Twitter @kpk_newbf
The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.
