How Can We Raise Our Children to Be Body and Sex-Positive?
Field notes and lessons from a mom/sex-writer
If you’re an open-minded, liberal parent or guardian (or planning to be one at some point) you may have thought about what you can do to raise children who share your sex-positive values.
Though we can’t and should never force our beliefs on our kids, we can, nevertheless, act and live according to our convictions and hope they will learn by example. But how do we set such an example?
I hear the buzzing of the skeptics in the back (or rather the echoes of my conservative Christian side of the family): Why would you want a kid to be sex-positive?
First, let’s do a recap:
What does it mean to be sex-positive?
Despite what’s often wrongly assumed, being sex-positive doesn’t equate to being up for, or into sex with anyone at all times.
In the broadest terms, being sex-positive means having positive attitudes about sex and feeling comfortable with one’s own sexual identity and with the sexual behaviors of others.
Further, sex-positive people tend to be open to learning and comfortable asking questions. They strive to understand their own physical, mental and emotional bodies, as well as those of their partners, and they grasp the concepts of consent and safe sex. (Source: paraphrased from ISSM)
When I talk about raising sex-positive children, I’m NOT implying we usher them towards adult sexual behavior or discuss topics they’re not ready for. Raising sex-positive children means fostering open-minded, secure, and accepting humans, who will also be well equipped and prepared for a healthy future sex life. Who wouldn’t want that for their kids?
We should keep in mind that the choices our children will end up making should be theirs, therefore, the goal of raising sex-positive humans is to make sure those decisions, whatever they may be, are well informed.
How and when to talk about it
You can teach your kids to be sex-positive without mentioning the word ‘sex’
What I focus on with my daughter is to create positive attitudes about herself and others and to foster acceptance and openness. I emphasize creating a safe space to ask questions while focusing on respecting her own boundaries and those of others. This is about values and has nothing to do with typical sex-ed, which comes later.
My daughter is currently six and has yet to grasp what sex really is. While I can tell from her current questions that she’s at the cusp of putting two and two together— “but how does the baby get into the mom’s belly” etc—I intend to let the answers come to her organically.
Let their questions guide the conversation
Most kids are curious and love to ask why? (Like, a lot!). Paying attention to their whys and letting them guide our conversations rather than holding impromptu lectures allows for joyful and unhurried discovery.
Most of the time, kids will let us know, through their questions and actions, when they’re ready for a new topic or challenge.
Body positivity: Encouraging positive attitudes
Teach them to accept and love themselves first
While I don’t prescribe to the idea that we must love ourselves in order to be loved, I firmly believe it’s a lot easier to be accepting and positive towards others when we feel that way about ourselves first.
If we’re lucky, we learn early that the ones who behave badly and treat us disrespectfully often do that because they themselves are unhappy, jealous, or full of insecurities. Understanding this at an early age got me unscathed through a ton of middle school and high school drama: The most popular girl who told lies about me to all the boys in middle school? She was simply jealous because I suddenly grew breasts too, and therefore she felt threatened. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
A huge majority of adult relational issues are simply more complex versions of the teenage drama above, thus knowing this is crucial through all stages of life.
Focus on compliments that build true confidence
I consequently emphasize compliments that focus on my daughter’s abilities, her ways of thinking and acting, rather than her looks. I tell her that she’s strong, capable, brave, healthy, and powerful. Of course, I also tell her that she’s beautiful, but I try to steer clear of the stereotypically gendered words like cute and pretty. I want her to know that her looks do not dictate her value.
Speak well of yourself too
When teaching our children to love their bodies, we can’t be hypocrites by criticizing ours. No matter what insecurities you have, practice never speaking these out loud to your kid. Children hear and observe everything, and they will imitate. Instead, focus on the same; what your body can do and how you’re grateful for it, then, demonstrate a healthy, active lifestyle whenever you can.
My mom always encouraged me to love myself, meanwhile, I watched her struggle to do the same for herself. Her intense hatred of her thighs and butt caused me to carefully examine my supposed cellulite before the age of ten. I plowed through all of her women’s magazines and learned to calorie count, write diet plans, and follow a strict jogging and aerobics regimen before I graduated elementary school. (T’was the 90s y’all!). Luckily, I snapped out of that.
Despite feeling insecure at times, I have made a vow not to do the same, and never comment negatively on my looks in front of my developing daughter. She’ll be confronted with this elsewhere soon enough, but it won’t be coming from me!
Nudity is natural!
Being naked is not inherently sexual
Being relaxed about nudity is the best way to teach our kids that our bodies are not shameful or dirty. In our home, this means that we take baths together and move around naked whenever it makes sense, usually around bath time and when changing, etc.
Growing up in Berlin, which is very relaxed about nudity in general, this also means my daughter is used to seeing people skinny-dip at the lakes or go naked in the sauna.
I always allow my daughter point, comment, and welcome all kinds of questions about my body or her own—“why do you have hair there?” or “why does that look different on you than it does on me?”— and I do my best to answer in a way she’ll understand.
No body-shaming!
I strive to teach my daughter that every part of the body is wonderful and never taboo. Hence, I make no distinction between applying a healing cream to a knee or elbow and treating a sore butthole or vulva. It’s all just the body!
Obviously, hygiene, safety, and a bit of societal appropriateness have to be considered. Still, these things are communicated in ways that make it clear that no part of the body is ever bad!
Love and acceptance of others
Discuss and normalize diversity whenever possible
A huge part of sex positivity is feeling comfortable with the identities and behaviors of others. And, as I mentioned before, most topics will come up naturally and be guided by our kids’ questions.
I make sure I don’t brush over any topics, and try to grasp every opportunity to discuss how and why others may look or act differently from the majority. Our only rule is to never point and comment loudly, still, no question is stupid or wrong and can be whispered to me and discussed further.
“Why is that person so small?”, “Why is she in a wheelchair?”, “Is that person a man or a woman?”, “Why are those two guys kissing?”, “Why does my friend have two moms?” etc. While Berlin is fairly diverse compared to a lot of places, we still live in a predominantly white, cis, hetero city, and everything outside of that tends to bring up questions.
Taking the time to compassionately answer and normalize everything from handicaps to poverty and mental health issues, and all diversity in gender, sexuality, family structure, and race will help to shape a person who’s less prejudiced and more open to diversity.
If you live in a place with little to no diversity, bringing in books, videos, and other media that can open up for questions and exploration is a good idea!
So far, my daughter has decided that she is marrying her best girlfriend after announcing last year in kindergarten that “my mom says that girls can marry girls too”. She has since added that “if they want a dad they might marry a guy as well…”. It’s safe to say that she has a much broader perspective of what love and family can look like than what I had thirty years ago.
Boundaries & consent for kids
Kids need to be asked for consent too
Did you also grow up with extended family members who’d squeeze your cheeks and place a big wet kiss on your forehead whenever they saw you? The awkward long-hugger, or maybe even the butt-slapper? I certainly knew them all and learned that this was an acceptable way to act. Another harmful yet normalized behavior was the sulking hurt adult followed by guilt-tripping: “Common and give Auntie-Joan a kiss, don’t make them sad!”. [Shrug!]
While fairly innocent and not intended to harm per se, this teaches kids that they owe others their affection, that not putting out will upset others. It instills in them that their boundaries are less important than the feelings of others.
Growing up, the above scenarios above were commonplace and the attitudes they infixed in me took me years to overcome. Luckily, I’m now seeing fellow parents push back against these outdated norms by encouraging their children to choose how, when, or whether to show affection.
We need to teach our kids that they have agency over their own bodies, that their boundaries will be respected, and that no one will get upset about their choices. It’s ok if they all of a sudden don’t feel like hugging granny, even if they normally always do. We also have to teach granny not to make a fuss about it.
Respect for the boundaries of others
Opposite this, kids need to learn to ask for consent in return; they can’t hug, kiss, or touch others without asking, and no always means no.
My daughter went through a phase where she’d be devasted if a friend wouldn’t return her kisses or other signs of affection. Following these episodes, we’d discuss how others, like her, are also allowed to decide over their bodies and that turning down affection is not personal—sometimes we don’t feel like it, and that’s ok.
My daughter and I practice asking and giving consent all the time—when we play, cuddle, tickle-fight, give massages, etc—a stop or no is always listened to, and just because something was fun or ok yesterday, doesn’t mean we’re in the mood today. Ask first, respect a no!
In conclusion
As sex-positive people wanting our kids to be as well, the best strategy is simply to live and speak your values and they’re likely to follow suit. Beyond that, aim to create a safe space for them to ask questions, always listen and make time to discuss.
The more time I spend with my daughter, her friends, and her peers, the more I’m certain that children are inherently open-minded and full of love and generosity of spirit. Prejudice, bigotry, and hate are all learned traits. Therefore, people who claim we need to ‘protect’ children from exposure to diversity are simply trying to protect themselves and their own fears.
For the record, I’m a sex writer and educator who’s also the mother of a six-year-old daughter, not a child pedagog, thus my advice and opinions are based on my own personal experiences and beliefs.
ⓒ Ena Dahl 2021
