How Can I Write Completely From the Heart Without Hurting the People I Care About?

Advice on how to determine how to write about sensitive topics that involve others.

I received this question from a follower of mine recently. I immediately began to dash off an answer, then realized I needed to give it some more thought. It’s not the first time someone has asked me this question. It seems to be a common area of query especially for novice writers who just want to write about everything that has ever happened to them when they realize they can publish anything online.

First, let me dispel some myths. When you read some of the advice from experienced writers, you may see them say that to be successful, you should bare your soul. They imply that readers only connect with writing that they can tell is “real” and that they can relate to. Some even go so far as to suggest that writing from the heart and exposing your greatest secrets and pain is what will take you to the big leagues in terms of writing.

Be careful of taking this advice without a lot of thought and experience behind it. Those who are preaching that this is the way to the light are those who have found success doing so. However, there are plenty of writers who have not and who have damaged relationships and hurt others unnecessary in the process.

What About Those Who Have Done This Successfully?

Those who have found success this way haven’t done so strictly because they lay themselves bare before their readers. They had experiences that people could relate to, yes. But their success also came from a lot more.

Their voice and way of telling a story, the issues they spoke about, what their experiences were on the topic, and whether they managed to hook into people’s emotions to name a few. There were likely also things that were specific to them, things that can’t be put into words or described or taught because they are unique aspects that made these individuals who they were. We all have unique characteristics, and when we are able to access these and put them into our writing it helps make our writing one of a kind.

Where Do People Go Wrong and How Can I Avoid It?

If you aren’t able to do these things well and capitalize on unique aspects of who you are, then just putting a bunch of private stuff out there may not have the result you anticipate, and in fact might have just the opposite effect. When something very personal is published but it is poorly written and not well expressed, it may make people uncomfortable or even cause them to criticize you for writing it.

It’s best to gain some experience with publishing writing about general topics before moving into personal areas. Get comfortable writing online about topics that you find interesting but aren’t personally invested in.

You should also become accustomed to receiving comments, some of which are negative or critical before deciding to lay yourself bare. If you don’t find that you are getting a range of comments on your writing, purposely pick a controversial topic that will likely receive comments that are both pro and con.

You’ll be surprised how much these responses affect you even if you chose the topic just to elicit comments. You want to experience what it’s like to get both positive and negative comments on things other than your personal life because as hard as criticism is on topics not related to you it is a million times worse when someone attacks something personal you wrote about yourself and your life.

Write What You Know?

The first thing we are taught as writers is to write what we know. Not only is this supposed to make our writing sound genuine and authentic but it provides topics and ideas for us use when we are having trouble coming up with something to write about. We can use what we observe throughout our day, take from our experiences, explore what affects us in good or bad ways. But much of this will involve others. How do we write about them without imposing on their privacy or preferences for what they feel comfortable with others knowing about?

Most non-fiction writers at some point explore issues and problems they’ve experienced in their lifetime. Writers use writing as a means of coping, healing and trying to move on. We’re most comfortable in this mode of expression so it’s natural that it’s the first place we turn when feeling the need to deal with something in our personal or professional lives. Much of this, the ranting and raving and coming up with revenge scenarios, hopefully just serves as a means of catharsis or getting it out of our system.

But after that stage, we may feel that we can write about these experiences in a way that can benefit not just ourselves but others who’ve had similar experiences. When we go through something difficult, we seek to connect with others who have gone through something like we have. This means someone gets it, relates to it and to us. It helps us more accurately evaluate any negative self-talk we may have engaged in that was associated with the situation, by validating our perceptions and perspectives, especially in light of particularly traumatic interpersonal relationships.

My entire life, I was told by various others not to bring up things with certain people, not to tell them things like when I was in the hospital, not to ever let on I’d learned long held secrets despite them directly impacting me, and never to bring up grievances I may have legitimately had. I was also taught never put such things in writing, even if it’s just in a personal journal because if it falls into the wrong hands the information might get back to those you’d written about. The reason given was always the same. By doing any of these things, I would upset someone.

Until the past few years it never dawned on me that the fact that I could never discuss anything that hurt, confused or even traumatized me, always sacrificing my need to be heard, supported and consoled instead, wasn’t right or fair. I’d been taught to always go along and never rock the boat and so I did my best. It led to me talking less and less for fear of saying the wrong thing until I rarely spoke at all, for fear of saying the wrong thing.

This is something that I have never fully shaken, and so it was natural when I started writing that these rules would govern that as well. For the first several years, I stuck to superficial topics and summarizing things that had been published many times over, though trying to add some originality and creativity.

I read firsthand accounts of deeply personal situations and relationships and alternated between embarrassment at such things being made accessible to the general public and envy over the writer’s ability to tell the story of important experiences they’d had and how these experiences had affected them. I never thought I’d write a first-hand account of anything in my life and still hesitate to do so.

I have, in recent years, published articles that are based on my own experiences although they are heavily disguised. I often mask them with research findings or fit them into what we know from many anecdotal reports about the issue I’m discussing. I won’t say that I don’t feel hindered by the anxiety that comes from even just the thought of writing something that might be recognized as anything other than a general account. But for me, because of a number of different reasons I won’t go into here, that’s as close as I can get to sharing personal stories from my life.

Do I think this limits the usefulness of these articles? Yes. Do I think they could do a lot of good not just for me but for the many others who share similar experiences? Absolutely. Do I feel hindered in my growth potential as a writer as well as a person by the inability to truly share these experiences? Definitely. But the decision I made for me, my life and my writing, while not perfect, was the best one available.

What Does That Mean for Your Own Writing?

Truthfully? Nothing. I only say this because each writer has to make their own decisions that are right for their own lives.

Some people are even more hesitant to put anything that relates to them the least bit in print and others are willing to burn down a village with their writing. Each can be the right choice for different writers if the decision is thought out and the writing that results has a known purpose that will benefit the writer as well as others. (In my opinion, if it only benefits the writer, it is usually best left in a personal journal or diary.)

But you can also learn to write about people and situations in ways that aren’t direct and won’t be recognized fully by those you don’t want to hurt, while creating dog whistles* such that your points will be recognized by those who share the experience and need to hear your message. There are also ways to write with sensitivity such that the person you are writing about does understand that it’s about them but others will not.

Here are some specific suggestions that you can use to write about your life in ways that serve your needs and resonate with others while not hurting those who were involved.

Techniques for Writing About Your Life Without Hurting Others

• Create what is clearly a fictional story, potentially using fantasy elements so that it doesn’t resemble real life, and imbue the characters with some of the characteristics that will help you tell the story you really want to.
• Instead of creating a story that displays the problem, show the situation or relationship by creating the world that you would like to be in. This can involve a specific location, moment in time or entire universe. Create a character that displays the characteristics you wish someone in your life possessed. Have them interact with a character that represents you in what would be the way you wish they would behave.
• Use characters that are completely different and unrelated to anyone in your life and have them discuss a character readers never meet and what that character is going through, albeit from a slightly different perspective.
• If you feel like you are spilling all over the page in ways you don’t want, take some time to write blind. This means writing without thinking or censoring at all. It will help you reveal your emotions and perceptions related to what you are trying to write about. When you see them all in front of you, you will better understand where the negative emotionality you keep seeing but don’t want in your work is coming from. Then you can consider exactly what you want to include and what you don’t and create the story or article such that it doesn’t appear out of control or wildly emotional.
• Write from the perspective of your older self and tell your current self how you reached the place in your life and your relationships where you want to be and wish you were now but are having trouble getting to.

Concluding Thoughts

A final word of caution — It’s no secret that writers often have a tough time making a living. We constantly search for ways to increase our readership, followers and income. Even when we think we have considered how our work might impact others, it’s possible we overlook or dismiss certain things in order to get our writing out there.

Most of us walk a fine line between taking from life and exploiting life. We often choose topics because we have something within us that we feel a need to explore or process. These topics almost always have something to do with other people.

Writing that is titillating, shocking, or just evokes extremely strong emotion is the type of content that gets the most views, shares, follows etc. That is why “tell-all” books are often on the best sellers lists.

But if the only reason you are writing is to gain views, shares, sales etc. and you’ll do so by any means necessary, you will quickly lose sight of any other purpose you writing may have begun with. Your story will not be the one you intended to tell, instead becoming an untruthful and inauthentic account that won’t really connect with anyone of have the effect you are hoping for.

The trick is to learn ways to elicit emotions and responses from your audience with you story by being genuine regarding you are relating, without disclosing information about others that can be recognized — either by the person in question or by people who know them.

That’s not to say that it’s never appropriate to write your truth and let the chips fall where they may. Just make sure to consider all of your options first, and be honest with yourself about your motivation for writing the piece.

There are always consequences that come from what we write. The question is what are they, are they worth what you’ll be getting in return and will they do you more harm than your writing does you good? What bridges will you be burning?

I’ve said this often but I think it always bears repeating. Words have power. Make sure you exercise this power responsibly and not impulsively and you won’t go wrong.

* Dog-whistle is a term used in politics which involves coded language that appears to mean one thing to the general population but has an additional, different, or more specific resonance for a targeted subgroup.

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