How Can I Ever Trust Again?

In Response to Dancing Elephants Press Relationship Column

Trust is a virtue that so many people are afraid to believe in. Most of us walk around second-guessing intentions, even more so when they are kind and friendly. For many, this lack of trust begins with insecure childhood attachments and trauma. For others, it is repeated betrayals throughout life. The big question is, how do we restore trust?

Restoring Trust Starts Within

Ultimately, the only person I have to trust is myself. This may seem far out to some of you, I know. Others are likely rolling their eyes, either thinking I am some crazy hippy or a narcissist, and I am neither. Fortunately, after a horrible relationship where I was betrayed by a man I thought I loved and wanted to spend my life with, I had a fantastic therapist who taught me the only person I need to trust is myself.

Here is how this works. When I listen to my intuition, my gut instinct, it leads me to safety. We are all designed this way. Some of us are more in tune with our intuition than others. But energy never lies. If something feels off, it likely is. Since learning this and how to set boundaries, I feel far more secure. Now, I am more trusting of others — I just know when to walk away.

A Recent Question Asked: Are there any good men left out there?

Many of us are divorced and starting to date late in life. It can be daunting to get to know someone. You may go all in and get your heart broken. But, if you stay guarded, you may never know. So, it is important to remain vulnerable and open.

I would like to broaden the question to include women because it is a two-way street. Men and women feel the same way about wanting to find a loyal, respectful mate. So, let me address this in two parts.

Part one: if you feel there are no good people to date, perhaps you are looking in the wrong places. Or, consider that you need to work on yourself. For example, if you want a man (feel free to substitute a woman) who is financially successful, fit, funny, and loyal, you should also have those qualities. So, if you are sitting home on the couch unemployed, hoping to mooch off someone, not in shape, and have a record of cheating, you probably are not going to attract this dream person — like attracts like.

Part two: If you are with a man (or woman) who is not loyal or messes up, it may not be an indication that they are a “bad person,” but instead, an indication of past trauma. This person may be self-sabotaging due to past trauma. If they are avoidant, for example, they may have a push-pull love style because they are terrified of rejection and abandonment.

So yes, there are plenty of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes, but the key is that we all do our self-work so that we are not carrying baggage from past hurtful relationships or childhood and causing more wounds.

How to Rebuild Trust After Betrayal

Betrayal can take many forms, including affairs, addictions, hiding money, and stealing ideas at work, but the common thread is the breach of trust. Once trust has been broken, it is challenging to rebuild.

If you have been betrayed by your significant other, you have two choices: stay and repair the relationship or leave and rebuild your life. If you choose to stay, the following five steps will help you improve the trust and boost a healthy, happy love connection.

Five Steps To Repairing Trust in Relationships

1: A sincere apology with a promise to never repeat the action by the person who committed the betrayal.

2: Complete transparency on both people’s parts. Access to phones, be where you say you are going to be, be on time, and return calls and texts.

3: Avoid rehashing details. The person who was betrayed can ask questions in the beginning to gain an understanding of what happened but avoid hurtful details. The why is far more critical in understanding and preventing it from happening again. Rehashing is like picking a scab and refusing to let the wound heal.

4: Be aware of changes in behaviors. If your significant other suddenly stops returning texts and calls, starts sleeping on the couch, or works late and no longer joins you for dinner, they may repeat the destructive behavior.

5: Develop new rituals together as a couple. Take a daily walk or Friday night dinners out. Maybe we can start a new hobby together. This will help you bond and reconnect.

Final Thoughts

Reconnecting physically and emotionally with your significant other after betrayal is fundamental. This may seem counterintuitive, but something lacking led to the betrayal in the first place. Providing a safe, secure environment can lead to healing from past traumas and can even lead to a stronger relationship between the two of you.

Once you commit to restoring the relationship, you must forgive your partner and work together without resentment and fear. Rehashing the betraying will cause separation and lack and drive a wedge between you. If the betrayal continues, you will know there is a significant lack of respect, and your partner refuses to do the personal work and take responsibility. It is up to you to decide how much you are willing to tolerate.

If you are entering a new relationship, start very slowly with friendship. Get to know this person without disclosing all of the intimate details of your life immediately. Also, do not assume they are anything like your past relationships. Start with a fresh slate and give each person a fair chance. But, you have the experience to recognize red flags. Have open conversations.

I wish you the best in restoring trust. Remember, trust yourself first and always.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate you, and you are worthy of love and joy despite past experiences. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel for more on Relationships as well as emotional intelligence, spirituality, yoga, and meditation.

Peace & Light,

Libby

Dr. Fatima Imam wrote a wonderful and inspiring response to my new Relationship Column that I am honored to share with you.

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