How can I discipline without spanking or smacking my kids?
Let’s start with a little background. My two younger children 13F and 11M and I spent their formative years with their narcissistic and mentally abusive dad. Years of disrespect, laziness, arguing, gaslighting etc between he and I taught them, and myself some pretty crappy behaviors and coping mechanisms. It’s been almost 4 years since we left that situation and moved back to my hometown.
They’re typical teen/preteen siblings, swinging between fighting and getting along. They have a pretty close bond, however. The last two years have been a struggle with the 13 year old showing disrespect, being rude and mouthy, entitled brat behavior, and a few suspensions from school for vaping. 11 year old has always been helpful, respectful, and kind, but recently is starting to exhibit similar disrespectful behaviors to his sister and both of their behaviors are starting to escalate, I believe, because of their closeness and now he’s also starting to get into trouble.
I’ve never been the type of parent to hit my kids as a form of discipline. I’m more the “hard work and taking things away” type of parent. I believe making my kids afraid they’re going to be beat for their actions will just make them more sneaky and dishonest and not want to come to me when they mess up.
My son recently came across an “adult”edible and took it to school with him to share with friends, I assume in an attempt to be “the cool guy”. He told other students, they told teachers and then one of 11yo friends started feeling strange. Cops and parents were called, 11yo has been suspended, legalities have, thus far, been explained.
Several of the people close to me have told me that I should have beat my son’s ass and made the consequences of such behaviors clear.
“What you’re doing isn’t enough and all they’re learning is that they’ll get a stern talking to and no real repercussions for their actions”
“They keep behaving this way because they don’t understand real boundaries”
“They should be terrified of getting into trouble”
“You can deal with the guilt later. The world doesn’t care about feelings like that.”
“Gentle parenting doesn’t work in situations like these”
Several things I’ve been told.
With all that said, I come to you, for opinions, advice, etc….
How would you handle this situation?
How can I get behaviors to change without spanking or slapping my kids?
All extra rights and privileges have been stripped and the 11yo has all chores in the house as his currently, plus any extra chores any family or friends need done.