How Brad Pitt Ditched the Chicken Suit, Coca Cola

Your ultimate, ultimate headline writing guide

Got you to click, didn’t it?

Welcome to the most comprehensive guide on how to write headlines. Ever.

Yes, you’re saying you know I already wrote the book on writing powerful headlines immediately.

After all, it says so in the title, right?

But this time, we discovered secrets that are so secret you will never find them in any other writing course.

No coach has the guts to tell you what I am about to reveal, because unlike them, I know you’re never going to pay me.

No more of that “10 proven ways” or “6 reasons why” bullshit.

But here are 5 irrefutable methods to write the ultimate headline.

#1: Play with online headline analyzers. They’re a great way to generate eye-catching headlines and laugh for hours instead of writing a quality story. The choice is obvious, isn’t it?

Don’t believe me?

Well, take a look at this screenshot of how Sharethrough.com’s online analyzer rated this article’s headline.

As you can see from the analysis, bad news sells.

• What was wrong with the chicken suit?
• How long were Brad and the chicken suit together?
• Did a Narwhal onesie come between them?

Also, did Brad Pitt stop drinking Coca-Cola because of a breakup? Or did he turn to a sugary soft drink as a substitute for that fowl (and foul) mascot attire?

Using Brad Pitt and Coca-Cola instantly raises your headline status to the top. Answer the question “how?” and you’ll have people cheering you like the cover photo taken of the audience at my last Ted Talk.

This is the real deal!

Unless you use a different online headline analyzer, like the one from coschedule.com. Here’s their rating of that same headline:

CoSchedule.com gives you extensive feedback that shows the types of words that need to appear in your headline. They say that uncommon, emotional, and powerful words will draw your audience in.

In my first headline article, CoSchedule guided me into crafting this beauty:

I know it’s great, right? Even Sharethrough.com gave it a passing grade of 70.

#2: Promise your readers anything, then ramble on long enough with general information that people will forget the original premise of the article and think you’ve actually delivered.

Like the vast majority of readers, even Medium’s curation bots want to believe in something.

One person wrote an article about how to get articles curated by Medium in ONE WEEK and used a ridiculous clickbait headline as an example. The writer described that garbage in these glowing terms:

Your expectations are set and you’re ready to learn.

Your headline should tap into your readers’ emotions and build expectations.

Isn’t the whole business of writing to tap into readers’ emotions and expectations?

We need hope in these difficult economic times.

If I promise to show people how I made $19,000 in one month on Medium, isn’t that already a wonderful thing to share? (But not $20,000, because that would be humble bragging.)

I know that 99% of the crap that clogs your feed on Medium is self-help advice you could have just as easily read on a fortune cookie. But one fact is certain…

Ordering Chinese Take Out every day for the fortune cookie is more expensive than getting “inspiration” from the ̶s̶o̶u̶l̶-̶s̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ life-hacking gurus on Medium.

My workflow to create monster hits is straightforward, just like any of you:

• My assistant spits out some crap on their phone
• The story gets sent to my mega-popular writers’ group for feedback
• Then my editor adds a few exclamation points to polish the final version
• Finally, the story is circulated to my second writers’ group so they can seed that baby with 50 claps per person, sight-unseen
• From there, it is published, and 300 fans embrace it like they are taking Communion

Does it really matter if I conceal the fact that my secret sauce is knowing how to get 30,000 followers?

Writing something of value takes time. And my time is spent on marketing, baby.

I’d tell you to do the same thing, but then you wouldn’t be reading my stuff.

#3: Make sure your headline includes one of these topics: money, sex, body shaming, Trump, sexism, or cowbells.

You know this works because we have all seen this treacle dominate the profiles of the most popular writers.

But I won’t write articles that promise money, sex or body shaming (a huge mistake).

On rare occasions, when I have written headlines about the last three topics, I struck gold.

Here are my all-time three top stories.

You’re welcome.

[EXPERT TIPS]

Notice also the number of fans associated with each article.

(Hint to men: trying saying something nice about women once in a while.)

I would have done better with my article about music, but readers kept asking for more cowbell, and I didn’t listen.

People love to hate on Trump, and I didn’t hate hard enough. Satire and dry humor just aren’t enough to get people on your good side.

Look, if I do this for you, will you go back to that article and applaud the hell out of it?

Happy now?

#5: Always overpromise and underdeliver. It leaves people wondering if there’s more.

You’ll find comments from readers, like:

What the fuck happened to the rest of the article?

This was so wonderful, but did something happen to your internet connection? I can not see the fourth secret.

Some people will think you are being mysterious, like Paul McCartney walking across Abbey Road barefoot.

People will write articles about your mysterious writings, and cults will develop around whether you were the Walrus or not.

Happy 50th anniversary, Paul McCartney-impersonator!

#6: Keep people coming back with a big Finnish, you meatballs.

If you can’t find one of those, go with some Great Danish (singing optional).

Here’s to better writing, someday.