“How are you?” Texts Bore the Crap Out Of Me
Is it just me?
“If you’re going to be boring, please do it over there.” Author unknown.
That’s the beauty of Medium, you amazing readers and writers. You get to reflect and analyze to get to the heart of why you are acting the way you do. Since entering the dating field in my 50s there are several tactics I try to stay away from. I hate ghosting. I know that it can be necessary. No one wants to be cruel but sometimes honesty can come across that way. Secondly, I hate comparisons. Who hasn’t put a former lover on a pedestal? Because if they indeed were “former” then obviously not everything was so picture perfect.
But those of you that have moved on from relationships know what I mean. It is natural to remember all that was good in your former lover. Then as you move forward, you are seeking some of those same qualities.
I wrote about meeting Mr. Delightful. I was, at first, excited by the potential. I was struck by what he wrote in response to my profile. We seemed to have things in common. I was attracted to his picture. The red flag was not that he was separated but that he was just beginning to initiate the divorce process. Which meant he hadn’t had a lot of dating experience.
I wanted to be empathetic and understanding. Truly I did. I had been in his place. But he became anxious to meet each other. That desperation was beginning to turn me off. He lives over 90 minutes from my house and we both work full-time. Therefore any first date was going to have to be on the weekend. Unfortunately, we inconveniently began our correspondence in June. We both had weekends packed until July.
He texted me that he was eager for a meeting before “another guy came and swooped in.” Then the kicker came not soon after that. He was leaving for his second home in South Carolina. He asked if I could meet him at one of the bridge exits for a quick introduction.
Umm…..NO….
I really wanted to try. I was hanging on to those characteristics that I had in my head that I was seeking in a new lover. So I scheduled a phone call with him the weekend he arrived in South Carolina. After we missed each other, he texted me “Tried calling you back but no luck. I know it’s a Saturday night so you’re probably on a date.”
I had been clear with him that if I don’t “date around.” His comment felt like he was very insecure. After that, I could feel within myself that I was souring. But it was getting close to the end of the school year when ninety percent of a teacher’s time is on behavior management. I was tired at night while trying to close up my school library with groups of kids that wanted to play tag in the bookshelves. The day after school let out, I was going on one of those once-in-a-lifetime vacations with my family to Alaska.
I texted him how busy I was and would be gone for 8 days at the end of June. I relayed to him that I was warned that I’d have terrible wifi so I won’t be in touch until I get back. I hoped the long period of no contact would make him go away. Yes I know, Honest Reader, I was being cowardly.
But nooooo…..on July 5, I received this text:
“Hey, hope you had a good 4th of July. Haven’t chatted in awhile.”
I responded that I just got back in town and was dealing with jet lag and the time change. He responded that he hopes I’m feeling recovered and had a fun trip. He added that he just got back from a business trip from Denver and is also tired from travel.
That’s when it hit me. He never asked me where I went on vacation. I looked at all our previous texts. Not one question.
Okay, Trustworthy Reader, is it just me, or is that kind of odd? If someone told you they were leaving for an extended vacation AND that there would be terrible wifi, wouldn’t you be interested in where they were going?
Then, in reviewing all the text messages since I met him, I saw that I was the one that initiated any exciting conversation.
When you work in a middle school, you are surrounded by kids that are hormonally imbalanced. They seriously make me laugh all day. They are insane but not in an intimidating way. More like a circus kind of way. So I often text my friends the crazy funny things my students say.
Also, as a practicing witch, I am attuned to signs. I often experience an animal doing something wild at least once a week. I’m lucky when I get my phone out in time and take a picture. I’ve sent him a few fascinating ones. I enjoy my style of dress as I try to wear the bohemian type of clothes to fit my persona. Basically what I’m trying to convey is that my text messages are full of unique pictures and amusing anecdotes. Or even something as silly as “What do you think of this moon shirt?”
If it wasn’t a reply to me, any text he started was…
“Hey there. Just wanted to say Happy Friday.”
“How was your Sunday?”
“Good morning.”
“Hope you had a fun day.”
“Hey, how’s your night going?”
Boring. Boring. Boring.
My therapist gave me some advice when I first started dating. A person can’t envision those traits you desire to see in a person if it isn’t there. Your potential will show you right away who they are. This guy took no interest in where I was even going on vacation.
This reflection reminded me of a helpful article from Elite Daily on why you shouldn’t go out with a guy you don’t have good text chemistry with. The author wisely states, “If they’re boring in text, it’s not going to be any different in person.” She goes on to write that the blandness of a good morning text, in her experience, is followed by mundane conversation. It was this observation of the author that told me I was on the right track with my current potential. “Text chemistry is essentially how you feel about someone while you’re texting them.”
I recovered from a hostile divorce, am close to an empty nest, and can feel freedom and excitement in my new independence. I want laughter and adventures. But Mr. Delightful quickly became Mr. Dull. I need to let him know that the chemistry isn’t there so we both can move on.
…And I’ll try to do so while being as boring as possible.
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