How an Adhd Diagnosis saved my life

Diary of a Neurodiverse Human — 23 Female

Table of Contents

A. An untraditional upbringing B. How Far I’ve come C. Puzzle pieces came together D. Chronically Disorganized E. The diagnosis F. Finally, I knew what was going on. G. But it’s not all said and done H. If you’re questioning your brain and would like to keep reading, here are some verified resources; I. What’s Medium?

An untraditional upbringing

I didn’t grow up in a “normal” home. My parents didn’t work nine to fives with their weekends off . Actually, they worked five to seven’s from May to November, occasionally they would take a Sunday off.

After November they would be on “vacation” and start up again in May of the next year. I think it has something to do with the agricultural domain they’re in, it’s not traditional, but you get used to it quickly enough.

The mindset in my household was very conservative, occasionally my mom would stick up for me. Often times I spent my nights awake, reading or watching television and my days a zombie. Either in school, or working for my parents company, or baby sitting my little brother.

How Far I’ve come

Today, I’m twenty three years old. I received an ADHD diagnosis last year. This, after years of therapy, dozens of psychologists and very few competent doctors.

I had been unhappy most of my life. Suicidal for large part of my teenage years. I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t eat and I abused drugs and alcohol.

This went on for nearly a decade.

People would tell my parents that I looked unwell, My parents would then shrug or inconspicuously corner me in the kitchen and confront me. It didn’t matter, they couldn’t do anything to change how I was wired. They couldn’t make me better, so it didn’t matter if they made things worse.

Puzzle pieces came together

I never stopped trying to feel better. I think a lot of people do, and that’s probably why most people are unhappy. I never gave up, almost did a few times, wanted to many times.

But I couldn’t pull that trigger.

I knew that if I could get my head on straight, I could do amazing things, I knew I could be happy.

I just had to figure out what was wrong with me.

The first time I heard the term “ADHD” was about when I was nine or ten, when the diagnosis was given to one of my brothers. If then I knew how genetic (over 50%) the condition was, I would have yelled at anyone to check me for it.

But, in contrast to my brother, I was doing well in school. I didn’t have many friends, I wasn’t well integrated, but I was so very bright. The only problem being that I was chronically disorganized. But, it didn’t seem to alarm anyone as long as I could pass my exams.

Chronically Disorganized

I would forget homework, presentations and papers. I would receive detentions for forgetting to get papers signed and missed out on activities because I had lost the permission slip.

I never owned a pair of mittens for longer than a week, my locker was a tragic mess and I couldn’t get myself to eat anything. But it wasn’t caused by a weight issue, I just wanted to throw everything but candy and caffeine up. I could gobble up junk food but a meal at the table would make my stomach turn, no matter how hungry I was.

The chaos didn’t stop there, the hardest part was happening inside of my head. I couldn’t turn it off. Ever.

I had music playing in my head so loudly that it kept me up at night, vivid memories on loop, generating anxiety and stress. I couldn’t control what my brain was doing. It was like being in a fog of noise and only hearing bits and pieces of the real world.

And it made me want to die.

The diagnosis

I’ve had multiple different ones throughout the years, but none of them felt right and the medication never worked. They wanted to increase the dosages and I couldn’t even begin to explain how wrong they were.

Through years of searching, funnily enough I eventually fell into TikTok’s thriving ADHD community. And although I don’t condone everything said on that app, it opened my eyes to how much this condition affected a person.

I did my research and took a few quizzes. I couldn’t believe how much it resonated with me. I felt like someone had finally turned the light on, after ten years of living in the darkness. I went to get tested because I needed to know for sure.

I had a three month evaluation done by a neuropsychologist and the result was more than shocking.

I had an IQ of about 140, this hiding my crippling ADHD, which was quite severe. These two conditions added together made me appear average.

I was a chronic underachiever who felt like she was meant and capable to do more but something was holding her back.

Finally, I knew what was going on.

Within a week I was in a doctors office, ready to start the journey of medication. It took about three months before we found the right dosage and brand but today I feel like a completely different person.

I sleep, like a baby. I am finally performing and have found a job I am good at and am appreciated for. My emotions are SO MUCH more bearable and everything just makes so much more sense.

I finally feel like a whole version of myself, instead of a broken piece in the wrong puzzle.

I can hold responsibilities, I can do laundry and even take showers. Yes, this one was probably the hardest to do. The longest I had gone without washing myself is fourteen days.

But it’s not all said and done

Being even slightly happy was a huge achievement for me. However, the battle doesn’t end there. Some days my ADHD kicks my ass, but I’ve learned strategies and tools and I know when it’s time to go to bed and try again tomorrow.

I’m healing, years of bad decisions have made a lasting impact on my body. But I’m in the process of getting better because I finally know what’s going on in my brain.

And for me, that’s a helluva win.

ADHD is real and it’s also really treatable. It doesn’t present it self the same way in everyone and it can be harder to spot in women.

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Take care,

Sue