How ADHD Women Act Differently in Relationships

Crying a lot over little things is common for us

There are so many things to love about having ADHD. From hyper-creativity and deep empathy to a wickedly sharp sense of humor and determination, many of us see it as a bit of a blessing, once we’ve got over the initial shock of realizing we have it.

But it’s not all sunshine and rainbows for women with ADHD. Life can overwhelm us quickly, and we can be deeply sensitive to the words and actions of others.

It can be difficult to date when you have ADHD. Relationships can become toxic, and we can feel like we’re lagging behind our partners. We may be forgetful and that can come across like we don’t care.

Just today, I was telling my partner about the fun evening I had planned with my friends on Wednesday night, only for him to tell me, with a forlorn and slightly miffed expression, that we were going to the theatre. It had been planned for weeks, but I forgot. How could I forget?!

Our partners may find us intensely difficult, frustrating and confusing.

Let’s explore why that is.

ADHD Women Are Hyper-Sensitive to Criticism

Here’s another scenario for you.

Today my other half and I were driving, and I told him I wanted to call my friend, a recruiter, about the possibility of getting another job. I live by myself and have a mortgage to pay for, so with the cost of living rising exponentially, I thought I’d better take action rather than sit and worry about everything.

In my ADHD brain, as soon as the problem of “I might struggle to pay my mortgage and gas bills and everything in between” arose, my mind kicked into gear like a guided missile.

Within seconds, I’d worked out what sort of job I’d apply for, the salary I’d want, where I’d want to work, the lifestyle I could have, and who I’d need to reach out to in order to make that happen.

For me, this kind of rapid (not always well-thought-out) decision-making is just part of day-to-day life (fellow ADHD people, I know you know what I’m talking about).

I have a problem, I panic more than the average person, and then I mentally solve my problem in seconds and then make a rash decision.

Normally this actually works out pretty well for me. People with ADHD are extremely adaptable – we thrive off last-minute decisions, so my “fuck it and go” mentality has somehow been a useful tool for me all these years.

Cue my boyfriend aka the most measured human possibly on earth, and the voice of reason in my life, piped up with the following:

Have you given this much thought?

I just think you’d be making a rash decision

But do you know how much money you’d need to feel financially secure?

What about the support your current job’s giving you at the moment?

My (internal) response was, in short:

“Of course, I bloody have, you always do this and make me feel incapable of making my own choices, yet I managed 24 years without you and have managed just fine. You might think I’m being rash but it’s Ok for you. You don’t have a mortgage, a dog to feed, or gas bills to pay. Plus, you’re earning way more than me, you literally have no idea what this feels like, and yet here you are trying to lecture me on how to make decisions that will massively affect my life.”

Ah, the ADHD internal monologue.

I’d also like to take a moment to say that my other half is a wonderful, wonderful person and is always looking out for me and my best interests.

Anyway, all the above made me feel like crying. He asked me if I was ok when I got home and I had to hold everything back to not cry – I felt like he didn’t have any confidence in me to take the action I wanted to take (which wasn’t true) and when he left to go back to his place, I could sense he felt a little off.

He was only trying to help.

We Find It Hard to Accept Help

We’ve got this far in life. A lot of us are hyper-independent (which could well be linked to the low self-esteem that often comes with undiagnosed ADHD).

When women with ADHD make decisions, they can be black and white and often difficult to change.

It’s a real balancing act for our partners because deep down, we know you’re just making sure we’ve thought things through, but the feeling of you criticizing us when we’re *really* doing our best, or not having faith in us can really send us into an emotional tailspin.

It sounds silly, and it’s very hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have ADHD.

The best way to describe it? It’s like a sudden-onset waterfall of emotion.

ADHD girls don’t have the same level of self-regulation as neuro-typical girls, meaning that we cry over silly things, relatively often.

We Hyper fixate On Hobbies

We can be restless souls.

Though a lot of us end up successful, probably because we threw enough shit at the wall that something stuck.

Often, we get so bored by the day-to-day, that we seek a dopamine fix in the form of a hobby, a craft, or some random side hustle that will take over half of your kitchen, only for it to be forgotten about in a matter of weeks – months if you’re lucky.

In a relationship, hyper fixations can be infuriating for our partners, who never know what “thing” we’ll come up next and obsess over.

It can make it difficult to know where our mind is at any one point, and this behavior can lead partners to distance themselves or feel like they’re not as important as whatever we’re fixated on.

You are! You’re more important than anything else in our lives, even though we may struggle to make you feel like you are sometimes.

A Few Final Takeaways

It can be intense to date a woman with ADHD. We love deeply, feel things deeply and tend to get carried away with ourselves from time to time.

If any of the above resonated with you either as a woman or as someone dating a woman who fits the above, do speak to someone if you don’t yet have an ADHD diagnosis.

It can be helpful to understand your, or your partner’s behaviors so that you can better support each other.

Happy healing,

A x