How “Accept Me the Way I Am” Became the Most Toxic Statement I Ever Heard

He said: “accept me the way I am” but what he meant was: “suppress who you are.”

“I don't understand how you don’t watch the news. How can you not be aware of what’s happening around you?”

He said with agitation in his voice. This seemed important to him. This was not the first time he had complained about my reluctance to let (let’s face it) the most triggering television program into my life.

He had complained a few times before and I’d ignored it.

The way I saw it, the fact that I didn't watch the news was no big deal; It was nothing to ruffle one’s feathers over. The way I saw it, what I chose to let into my life was between me and my mental health. This was an obvious revelation, obvious to any modern-day individual. Or so I thought.

I was wrong.

See, I had been hanging out with him for about a month, and he had shown signs of being an inconsiderate, insensitive individual before.

He made mean comments — small things really, nothing too big. I called him out. I let him know that what he had said was less than kind and in response, he would say, “Please don't judge me. Accept me the way I am.”

I did.

When he made a snarky comment about how weird my friend's voice was, I let it slide through me. I didn't let his unkind behavior affect my mood. I moved on; I accepted him the way he was. At least until accepting him the way he was, became a toxic request.

The Work That Goes into Accepting Someone or a Situation

Whenever he made an insensitive remark, I reacted, but only internally.

“Damn, that's a mean thing to say,” I’d think. “Who says such a thing? I mean you think about it. You acknowledge that it’s a terrible thing to say, and then make sure you don’t say it out loud.”

“How can he make such a thoughtless comment?” I would ruminate further.

Then this agitation would arise within me. This need for justice, this uncontrollable urge to right a wrong. I wanted to call him out, but what I did was wait.

What I did was let that storm — my inner agitation — pass.

“Accept him the way he is,” I reminded myself. “This is a good mindfulness practice. Focus on your breath and allow your irritation to pass.” I told myself as I did the inner work it takes to accept an external situation.

Inner work is the hardest work a person can do, according to Jean Harley (a psychologist). It’s a full-time job. Your triggers don’t care. They show up frequently. Most times you have to do your inner work over and over again until you get to a point where you don't get triggered anymore.

Whenever his complaint about my not watching the news resurfaced, I went through the same mindful process until I came to a calm place of acceptance.

He Said: “Accept Me the Way I Am” But What He Meant Was: “Suppress Who You Are”

Asking people to accept us the way we are is a paradoxical request.

See, to demand people to accept you the way you are is to admit that you don't accept their non-acceptance of you.

“Change so that I do not have to change. Change because it would make my life easier.” — is essentially what we are saying whenever we demand people to accept us the way we are.

But even more profoundly, what we are saying (at a subconscious level) is: “Accept me the way I am because I do not know how to do the work it takes to accept your non-acceptance of my behavior.”

One day, while he complained, I decided to give him my side of the story. I decided to make him understand why I don’t watch the news. I didn’t have to explain myself but he seemed truly pained by my selective media consumption.

So, I kindly reminded him that I had just endured two weeks of full-day panic attacks. That sometimes, for no apparent reason, I came awake multiple times in the night, sweating profusely, my heart pounding uncontrollably; scared that I was dying. I told him that throughout most of my days, I couldn’t stop shaking long enough to concentrate at work.

I had had this conversation with him before. I had told him about my panic attacks. In fact, him trying to help me with said panic attacks is how we had met.

So, I reminded him(you know because people forget these things) that it’s for my mental health. That I find the news and most local television programming very triggering. That I was trying to heal from night terrors and a lifetime of anxiety.

And with that, I was confident that my explanation was enough to dissolve his pain. To free him of his attachment to the idea that I was an unserious moron for not watching the news.

I was wrong.

“It’s important to know what's going on around you,” he interjected at some point. With agitation in his voice, still. “How can you not know what's going on around you? Everyone else watches the news!” He added.

See, he failed to accept that my lifestyle was different from his. So much so that it didn’t matter to him what my reasons were. He couldn’t come to such a place of reconciliation within himself, so he berated me with complaints about my lifestyle choices over and over again.

In response, I told him that he was being unfair. That there were habits he indulged in: habits that I found disagreeable, but it was none of my business to try to change them. That once again he was being mean, and selfish.

“This is who I am,” he said. “I thought you accepted me the way I am, but you were being judgemental of me this whole time” He added.

Sometimes I think about these events and I laugh. It's funny and ironic how everything unfolded. The experience was painful to endure, but now that I’ve come out on the other side, I laugh.

Human beings are strange creatures. We would rather point fingers and justify our behavior and jeopardize other people’s mental health than admit that we are all a work in progress.

He constantly reminded me to accept him the way he was. He demanded me to accept that his insensitive behavior was but just fun and games.

And yet when push came to shove, when it was his fun and games against my mental health (my life), he couldn't accept the lifestyle choices I had made to preserve my inner wellbeing.

It became very clear that he constantly expected me to do something that he, himself, did not know how to do: accepting another person the way they are.

It became very clear that he thought accepting him the way he was meant zero accountability for his behavior: that it meant suppressing my feelings, my opinions, and my very lifestyle.

And what a toxic way to live!

So, before you ask people to accept you the way you are, ask yourself this: “Why is it important to me that people accept me the way I am? Could it be my way of excusing myself from an even deeper toxic trait?”

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