How a Toxic Relationship Can Change Your Life for the Better

Your life begins when the relationship ends but you’ll have to be ready for it

I still remember to this day when my ex and I broke up after being together for a little over three years. I was 23 at the time, and when it happened, I was left devastated.

We were together for three years, and in the end, I had lost a big part of myself, and in my mind, my thoughts seemed to focus on the mentality that “without her, I’m nothing.”

I had been manipulated, controlled, and emotionally drained to the point where, at that time, I couldn’t see the relationship for what it was — toxic!

“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” — Nina Simone

If you’ve ever gone through something similar, you’re not alone. Over 10 million Americans are subjected to psychological and physical abuse from the people they love.

A study that surveyed 571 Americans about their experiences in a toxic relationship showed that 57% felt fearful or uncomfortable in their current relationship while 87% felt the same in a past relationship.

My situation was no better. I was constantly fearful and walking on eggshells because a fight would break out if I said or did the wrong thing. My ex would not be happy until I apologized without ever apologizing for anything in return.

However, the end of that relationship signaled a turning point in my life. The world didn’t end, and the sun came up the next day.

Having to repair the damage she caused wasn’t easy, but through the process, I became a much better version of myself, and my life started to improve in more ways than one.

“Sometimes the door closes on a relationship, not because we failed but because something bigger than us says this no longer fits our life. So, lock the door, shed a tear, turn around and look for the new door that’s opened. It’s a sign that you’re no longer that person you were, it’s time to change into who you are. It’s going to be ok.” — Lee Goff

If you’ve recently gone through this type of breakup or if you’re going through it now — trust me, it’s not the end but the beginning of something much grander. In a way, it could be the universe’s way of setting you free from the confines of the toxic relationship that was holding you back.

Although your past doesn’t have to define your future, it can play an integral role in molding you into a better person to experience an elevated level of personal growth.

You learn to define happiness for you

While being in a toxic relationship, you will most likely be controlled or manipulated to thinking that your happiness does not matter and it’s all about them.

In a study that surveyed 571 people, the responders categorized how their partners control them or what they’re critiqued about.

This can cause you to devalue your aspirations, goals, and dreams, making it seem like you’re unimportant in the world. Additionally, your partner may belittle or critique you daily about your appearance, intelligence, and job, which can make you feel helpless.

The world isn’t ending

When my relationship ended, it felt like that was it — the end of the world, and one of the most annoying things to me, at that time, was when friends and family used to tell me, “Alex, it’s not the end of the world.”

I would lash out because, to me, it felt the opposite. I had become so consumed in the relationship that it had become the focal point of my life, which meant my happiness was attached to it.

“Losing does not always amount to a loss. Sometimes you have to lose those toxic relationships and bad habits to create a space for better things.” — Gift Gugu Mona

It was at this time that I started reading books and took up jogging to occupy my time. In doing so, I could feel myself beginning to pull away from the negative emotions holding me down.

As the negative emotions left, the space they had occupied was left open for positive thoughts, habits, and feelings to fill. I found myself traveling more, learning a different language, taking up bicycling, and being more adventurous about what life had to offer.

You may feel hopeless at first, but as the toxicity leaves, the space it once occupied will be open for your positivity to fill.

You will learn to define what happiness truly means for you — you may want to see the world or become a writer, publish a book, take up powerlifting, and so on.

The most remarkable aspect of all of this is that you will be free to define what happiness truly means for you. No more living to please someone else!

Key takeaway: It may seem hard at first because you’re so overcome with emotion, but it’s during this process that you learn to slowly let go. Take the time to truly learn more about yourself and learn to embrace your unique characteristics — it will help you when you start to define what happiness means for you.

You learn what you don’t want in your next relationship

Often toxicity doesn’t rear its head from the get-go. The start of a relationship may offer genuine feelings of love, care, and devotion, but these can, over time, start to shift.

Remember, subtle signs may be hard to read if you haven’t been through the same situation in the past.

For example, psychological manipulation can start with “Oh, you’re going out with friends? I thought we could stay home and watch a movie?” This type of guilt trip may cause you to say yes to your partner and no to friends, which can cause you to distance yourself from friends and, in extreme situations, completely cut you off from your social group.

“Don’t confuse familiar with acceptable. Toxic relationships can fool you like that.” — Steve Maraboli

In my relationship with my ex, she was incredibly good at turning any situation so that I would take the blame. In doing so, she always gained control.

Just like my ex, manipulators do share common traits. Which include:

• They know your weaknesses and how to exploit them
• They use your insecurities against you
• They convince you to give up something important to you, to make you more dependent on them
• They use guilt, mind games, blame, comparing, denying to get you to see their side

But, the great thing is — you’ve been through it all, and you now know exactly what to look for and what behaviors may trigger the start of a toxic relationship. Not only will you be empowered to take actionable steps to end things before they get bad, but you’ll also have the confidence to not let them consume your life (again)

Kick the bad apples to the curb

My experience taught me to not settle and to find someone who not only aligned with my ambitions in life but also someone who valued the same kind of characteristics as me — loving, caring, honest, trusting (you get the point)

You will find that you won’t be inclined to settle, and similarly, you won’t find it hard to move on. This may seem harsh, but after what you’ve been through, you know exactly what you want in your next relationship; therefore, you won’t waste time with someone who doesn’t offer it.

“Just say NO to complicated, dead-end, unhealthy, and toxic relationships.” — Stephanie Lahart

You’ve learned to love yourself, and you take pride in your unique characteristics — you deserve someone who cherishes you, is honest, trusting, and accepts you for you and vice versa.

Key takeaway: The experiences, lessons, and tribulations you go through will give you the knowledge and understanding of what you want and don’t want in your next relationship. You’ll know what signs to look for in a manipulative, toxic, and controlling person, and you can kick them to the curb! Remember, don’t make excuses or accept behavior that you’re not okay.

You learn the importance of patience

“Dear Self: Stop re-opening your doors for toxic people, then calling it seeking closure. Certain things don’t work out in life . . . and that’s ok.” — Reyna Biddy

What I haven’t told you up until this point is that my ex and I broke up more times than I can keep track of throughout our relationship.

I know, I know, I should have just walked away, and you’re right. Although I had many opportunities, I always chose to come back to try and salvage something already broken.

You may find yourself in a similar situation, or after a breakup, you may find yourself rushing to be in another. This stems from the lack of patience because you just don’t have any control over your emotions.

When you lack patience in a relationship, you may find yourself taking a bumpy road in the long-run. You may rush into decisions that you’re not ready for or do things you haven’t thought through.

According to one survey, men take an average of 88 days to say “I love you,” compared to 134 days for women. That’s roughly after three and four months, respectively.

How well do you know someone after just four months of dating?

Your rush to lay all your emotions out on the table may be used against you by someone toxic — they now know how you feel and can use it to control you.

You’ll wait for the right time

Your next relationship will see you take things much more slowly. Because you’ve been hurt, you’ll be more patient to ensure this relationship will offer you what you want before you make any decisions.

You’ll know exactly what you want, and you won’t be afraid to wait until you find the right person.

Remember, just because your new partner tells you how they feel doesn’t mean you have to feel the same way. You can’t guilt yourself to say things to make them happy — if you do, you may be repeating the same mistakes as your last relationship.

Key takeaway: Often, a toxic person or manipulative person may use emotions like “I love you” to force you to make promises or say things that you don’t feel within you. Exercise patience and wait until you truly feel that the person you’re with is the right one for you before you make promises or rush into anything.

Final thoughts

It’s easy to find yourself consumed in a relationship that you have put in a lot of effort toward or been through a lot of ups and downs. This type of emotional attachment may give the notion that your happiness relies upon being with them.

However, this is just not true!

I want you to understand and take comfort in that your life, happiness, and passion are all controlled by you. The moment your toxic relationship ends is when you can truly find yourself. In doing so, keep these things in mind.

Key takeaways:

• Happiness as defined by you: Once you’re out, you will start to realize that you can be happy without needing to be in a relationship. You will begin to understand yourself more by attaining a higher level of personal growth. Through that journey, you will discover what the definition of happiness truly means to you. Not anyone else.
• Your experiences carry over: Keep in mind what you learn from your toxic relationship’s experiences and situations. This knowledge can help you in the future as you’re more likely to spot unhealthy traits in someone before they gain any traction. Remember, you know exactly what you want, so don’t settle for anything less.
• Patience can bring joy: Rather than rush into relationships or making any promises that you may regret — learn to be patient and allow the right person to come to you. You attract what you desire, and because you want an honest, trustworthy, loving person, that is what the universe will give you — as long as you’re patient enough.

The past should not dictate your future, but the experiences you’ve had can be a learning experience for your future growth. Don’t dwell on what’s already happened because toxicity is not worth spending time thinking about. Learn to love yourself, and in return, you will find someone who loves you for you.