How a Calf Saved Me From Dying

I hated myself, was severely depressed and a calf stopped me from suicide.

Twelve years ago, I was so lost in my own misery that I just wanted to die. I had lost custody of my kids, been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and didn’t know the first thing about myself. I didn’t even know my own favorite color. I had been so focused in life trying to please others that I rarely took time for self reflection. When the time was forced on me, I absolutely hated myself for everything I felt I had allowed to happen to me.

I was too weak, spineless. I was a failure. I lost my kids, cut ties with toxic family and was left with a darkness that is difficult to explain. Loneliness so deep that it was like drowning so deep in the ocean that all light was gone. A fathomless pit of despair. I stopped eating, slept all the time and just didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere in life.

I would lay there, praying to just fall asleep and never wake up. My longing for death so strong that I would have dreams of being buried alive. Dreams that extended into watching myself die in a 1,000 different ways. I stopped believing in the good and focused with all my efforts on all the bad in my life. There’s been a lot of it, so it wasn’t too difficult to replay the myriad of shit over and over again.

One day my partner decided that we needed to take a drive. He encouraged me to get out of bed, get dressed and I begged to just stay in the vehicle. I wanted no one to see me. I didn’t want anyone to take one look at me and instantly know that I was a failure at life in general. We ended up stopping at a local barn owned by some folks that he knew. Within the next hour, my life changed forever.

We stepped into the barn. There were horses and calves. Jersey calves like the photograph above. I instantly went for the calves. I couldn’t help looking into those soft brown eyes, rimmed with the best eyeliner and lashes I had ever seen. One kept coming over and rubbing on my legs. I smiled for the first time in ages. The calf antics made me laugh like I hadn’t in probably a year.

The owner came over next to me, laying her hand on my shoulder and said, “You know he seems to like you, maybe you should take him home with you.” I felt like a kid again. I was so excited. I asked my partner if I could. He talked to me a lot like you would a kid. “You have to get up early every morning to feed him. You have to take care of him.”

I readily agreed. My fate was sealed. I learned how and what to feed him. I learned how old he was and for how long he would need to be bottle fed. They gave me a bottle, milk replacer enough for a couple days and then we loaded into the truck to come home. I held his warm body against mine for the 10 mile trip home. I grinned so much that my cheeks hurt. I felt needed for the first time in a very long time.

I had purpose now. I had something that needed me on a regular basis. That calf, named Buck, became my lifeline. I spent hours with him. Just sitting, brushing or hanging out with him. I told him all my secrets, read books with him, and he helped me learn about my caring nature toward animals. After about a year, it was decided that we needed to get another one. Along came Norman, the second bull calf.

Norman’s life wasn’t easy. He was just two days old when he came home. He got sick and had issues. I nursed him back to health and he ended up with a bald nose. It felt good to know that I could be a care taker for something other than just feeding. I began learning more and more on how to best care for cattle and calves. I spent more and more time learning everything I could. I had a mission now.

In April, I got word of a starved Jersey cow that need rescuing. Jersey’s will always hold a very special place in my heart. I actually fought my partner verbally to get her. I hadn’t seen her. It didn’t matter. She was in need and I had the space. I felt something inside tell me that it was up to me. I had to take her. I remember vividly how she stumbled off the trailer with two calves in tow. I cried as I watched her walk into the grass and start eating away. She didn’t eat long before she laid down, tired and full.

I sat with her and promised that she would never go hungry again. I promised to take care of her until she took her last breath. I made many decisions about building the farm around her. As she gained weight, I gained trust in myself. I discovered so much that she taught me. Trust after being abused. Grace when the world seemed to be failing her. Kindness to all. I loved that damn cow with my entire being. She passed away four years later. It broke my heart but I kept my promise to her. She’s now buried in my favorite spot by the pond.

My passion for cattle extends beyond a normal farmer. I have rescued many. A premature calf, a dyng calf from the sale barn, and many others too. The latest, an Angus calf that wasn’t doing well at all on another farm. I’ve helped others save their animals too. But my rescuing of animals doesn’t stop there. I have rescued chickens, dogs and horses too. There’s just something about being knowledgeable and compassionate enough to care that means everything to me. Maybe it’s the ability to give what I never really received to those that truly have no voice. I’m not sure exactly and I don’t question it much.

I have so many stories to tell about doing rescues and creating a form of therapy farm for myself in the process. I have people now that will just come to sit and watch the animals. Others that will be taken to the pastures when grief overwhelms them. Grief that is relieved with the calmness and serenity found within these pastures. There’s just something soothing to the soul to sit and watch the cattle grazing, how cows interact with calves and the antics of those calves.

I’m now eleven years into this farm. I look back sometimes and thank God for that day I was encourage to get out of bed to go for a drive. That was the day I found my passion and purpose in life. Truly the day that I began to heal and become the woman I am today. For better or for worse, this has been my absolute favorite part of my life’s journey so far.

I know for me, I found true love outside of a human form. I found me reflected in them, if I’m truly honest. They are all truly the windows to my soul. Even if you just go spend a day at the local animal shelter, I highly recommend spending time with animals. They have a way of reaching into your heart the way nothing and no one else can.

My best advice to someone suffering with thoughts of suicide is being open to any possibility. Sometimes the universe will throw you a curve ball you never expected. Just look for those moments that brings you true joy and happiness. Sometimes, it’s the craziest thing in the world. Crazy like looking into the eyes of an animal that will grow ten times bigger than you and finding something that speaks to your heart and soul.