House GOP to Condemn Biden Balloon Policy
GOP claims Biden took credit for Santos’ balloon takedown
House leaders will vote to condemn President Joe Biden’s “reckless, irresponsible, and dangerous balloon policy” within hours of tomorrow’s State of the Union address. Outraged that the Biden administration intercepted what is believed to be a Chinese surveillance balloon, Republican leadership is determined to have bigger balls than their Democratic colleagues.
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy said Republicans were scandalized by the ongoing drama, especially when they learned the Biden administration falsely claimed responsibility for shooting the balloon down. “Imagine our surprise and consternation when our colleague Freshman Congressman George Santos revealed he shot the balloon down and not Biden’s deep state,” McCarthy revealed.
“George even provided us with a genuine Photoshopped digital image to prove it. After he posted it on Instagram and Twitter, of course. It’s outrageous that the entire military and security apparatus of the US government failed where one brave Republican with his Second Amendment protected firearm succeeded.”
“Imagine our surprise and consternation when our colleague Freshman Congressman George Santos revealed he shot the balloon down and not Biden’s deep state.”
“It’s infuriating that Biden wouldn’t disclose top secret information to the general public,” McCarthy added. “President Drumpf would never have kept top secret information to himself, at least not information that didn’t incriminate him. Why, he shared our secrets openly with anyone who would listen. Biden promised Americans transparency and look where it’s gotten us. I don’t doubt we have enough to impeach Biden without the charges we’re trumping up against his son.”
“A Chinese balloon in our air space is as bad as spying on virile young college athletes in the shower,” accused Ohio Representative Jim Jordan. “And just like group showers this balloon should have been a hands-on situation.”
Questioned about why Republicans are willing to let American businesses trade critical security technology, but whine about a balloon, Jordan retorted, “Selling our trade secrets to China is good business. Letting a balloon into our airspace is treasonous.”
Texas Representative Louis Gohmert argued that “Biden should have shot that sucker down immediately rather than let Americans suffer the humiliation of the Chinese seizing control of our airspace.” Asked about the danger to civilians on the ground, Gohmert replied that patriotic Americans would gladly sacrifice their lives for freedom, and the world could use a few less Democrats anyway.
Questioned about why Republicans are willing to let American businesses trade critical security technology, but whine about a balloon, Jordan retorted, “Selling our trade secrets to China is good business. Letting a balloon into our airspace is treasonous.”
Gohmert’s fellow Texas Representative Chip Roy charged, “It’s time to stop Biden’s catastrophic policies that are decimating the welfare of Americans everywhere. The man has saddled us with the best jobs report in recent history, lowered crippling inflation, fundied critical infrastructure, guided us through COVID, helped the Ukrainians withstand Russian aggression, and now the balloon nonsense? Americans need to see the man for the devil he is before he takes the stage tomorrow night.”
Asked how he felt about the upcoming vote, Santos said, “What’s more important is that my heroic actions should stop all the negative criticisms and criminal investigations into silly things like stealing veterinary care from a dog, and sexual harassment. I’ve proved, once again, that I always put America first.”
Drumpf, as usual, makes the balloon about him
Former/current President Donald Drumpf weighed in throughout the week with Truth Social posts tying the balloon to election fraud. When the intelligence community revealed the Drumpf administration allowed three previous balloons to pass undetected, however, Drumpf immediately cried foul.
“What’s more important is that my heroic actions should stop all the negative criticisms and criminal investigations into silly things like stealing veterinary care from a dog, and sexual harassment. I’ve proved, once again, that I always put America first.”
“This has nothing to do with balloons and everything to do with Biden’s CRIMINAL MISSUSE of top secret classified documents,” he posted on Truth Social Monday morning. “First he pretends to ‘cooperate’ with authorities with his criminal document thefts in his coup attempt to make my KEEPSAKES look like felonies. Then he invites the Chinese to send this balloon to make it look like I was soft on China and he’s not. I call FOUL.”
Drumpf also raised doubt that the balloon posed a security threat at all. “The reel truth is that it couldn’t have been a good spy balloon or the Biden administration wouldn’t have seen it if it were floating in the sky. I learned that from my good friend Vlad. He assured me America never suspected any of the surveillance the Russians were conducting, and I believe him because he’s an honest guy.”
Pundits have questioned whether Republicans have enough votes to pass the resolution, but McCarthy denied the suggestion that he might not have the votes he needs. “Of course we have the votes. The contrarians from the Speaker’s vote will do anything to highlight Biden’s gross misconduct, and moderate Republicans are moral and political cowards who lack the will to go against us. How else do you think MAGA and QAnon seized control of the GOP?”
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