House Centipede Deserves Better Accommodations
An appeal to the master of the house.
There is more to contend with in a house for a trained assassin than perhaps you realize, creeping into the full moon of October. While cooler air drives the competition onto my turf, I’m running around killing for you. I think I deserve a little consideration. And perhaps better accommodations.
The hits I’m able to pull off, serving this household, you, and your guests, aren’t trivial. My work involves strenuous planning and life-threatening ops. Yet in return, I am met by screams and poorly executed assault. With a penny loafer; really? (How gauche.) All because of my striking appearance. We need to talk.
Hunter-Killer
They call me the hunter-killer. You do realize that there’s only one other instance of that term being used to characterize bad-ass capability. Tom Clancy’s Red October – Soviet Alfa Class nuke submarine.
Stealth
The house centipede sustains covert ops in the dark and like a fast attack sub is constantly on the move. Like the shell design of a sub, a pede is an exoskeletal arthropod. A hunter-killer is a badass operative, not a builder of homey nests in wait for a food delivery. Have you any idea what’s involved in planning special ops, requiring expedience and stealth?
Speedy
The pedes are known to be incredibly fast and agile, able to change directions on a pinhead in flawless execution of a Kill. One hundred feet, no shoes. (You got that many of anything, you are bound to be good at something.) We’re good at running. Scaled to you my speed is clocked at 88 mph. But I am not only “screamingly” fast.
Longevity
If a house pede eats right he can live 5 to 7 years. Gives us time to set up, and establish good intel and a stable presence in a home.
Benefits
The House Centipede is a skilled predator able to kill harmful villains. It has been said, that we bestow great benefits to a home, able to control or apprehend whole populations of extremists and terrorists in a home, which might otherwise be harmful to the residents.
Harmless
Our venomous fangs are hell on prey, yet harmless to you. End of a day, I’m tired, and I gotta come home to some dark corner of a closet, you chasing me for my stunning looks, and a poorly executed shoe hit. Why do you do me like that? A pede deserves better, like better accommodations, which brings me to my point. The Purple Room.
Terms
I do admire the Purple Room, ever since you bought the purple lights and pillows. Posters are a little tacky. I think you would do well to have a live-in assassin take care of that special room, keep the bugs out, and stay in the shadows so as not to offend a friend.
I know my leggy style is a bit much, but I gotta be me! I am faithful, an absolute blessing with longevity, deserving of forbearance!
So yes, I deserve better accommodations and reprieve from the screams and shoe attacks.