Hot Babe Is in the Area and Wants To Show You a Good Time

If only I was a dumb, desperate, horny man. Or Doug.

It was bound to finally happen. My email address was “found on the Dark Web.” Of course, it’s not as if it’s a secret. There’s at least 2,000 people who know what it is, since it’s easily found right there in the light of the regular Web.

Since that fateful moment, I’ve received a stream of two kinds of spam, based, I assume, on the ambiguous gender of my first name. Apparently, overseas spammers (and the folks who put me in the boy’s bracket of a tennis tournament!) never heard of Chris Evert.

First, Harbor Freight, a company I never heard of, wants to give me some massive set of tools, which apparently is a big come on for some guys. I mean, what guy doesn’t want a massive tool, let alone a whole set?

Second, and these are the ones that I find both amusing and puzzling. They are all some variation of “hot babe for a man like you.” They come from a string of random-character Gmail addresses, like haessh217 or ygrasl508.

Sometimes the subject line makes zero sense. “Linda Rhinehart” says “To eaten sat you table the still and and haven’t have you.” Doesn’t that just make you all hot?

As time has passed, the subject lines have become more desperate. “I’m in the area.” Really? Do you travel around the U.S. by Greyhound Bus, sending out email from each city you stop in, waiting in some poorly lit bus station waiting for me to show up?

“I find local guys like you attractive and I would enjoy if you signed up for the website for me.” Oh sure, honey, let me just get out my credit card.

Who takes this bait?

I get falling for a free gift from a company you might have done business with, like Harbor Freight or Home Depot. Maybe you did enter that contest.

I can see falling for a phishing email with a purported receipt for some service contract you might have bought but can’t quite recall. I once almost fell for the townhouse rental scam that went around back in the Yahoo days.

But what actual guy falls for the hot babe ones? Incels? Doug from the Liberty commercials? After all, the emu isn’t all that much fun in the sack.

Thanks for reading. You can find more of my snarky humor here.