Honoring the Anxiety Within Me

An extrovert’s dilemma at a time of a global pandemic

As an extrovert, Covid has been especially hard for me. In time, I have become accustomed to spending more time alone and getting to know myself better. I have explored deeper parts of myself than I have ever done before and I healed parts of me that I didn’t know were broken.

I learned how to entertain myself and maintain productivity and fulfillment on days when I didn’t have any reason to get out of bed… on days when depression overcame me.

Eventually, I got a full-time job…my first one post-grad. I didn’t get the chance to have a graduation, and for the first six months afterward, I wondered what my life would turn into. I felt hopeless like the rest of the world, and in time my new position gave me a sense of purpose.

Career and Wanting More

I got comfortable, and as I approach six months working at a company I truly love, anxiety hangs over me once more. This time, it is triggered in me by the longing of wanting more. I am trying so hard to remain actively grateful, and I know I am blessed in so many ways. But I simply just want more.

Video chats with friends no longer quench my desire for socialization and connection. I miss going out dancing and attending concerts and special functions. I know, everybody does and I must deal with it and remain grateful.

And I think the pressure to stay grateful while I hold down a full-time job, maintain excellent health, and enjoy luxuries that many cannot afford, I feel anxious. I am anxious because I want more, but I fear that if I express my desires that I will be judged by others for my apparent lack of gratitude.

For the first time in my life that I can recognize, I am envious of introverts.

I try to navigate why I feel this way. For the first time in my life that I can recognize, I am envious of introverts. I have learned that through the years my happiness has been dependent on others and circumstances around me.

Some might call that neediness, but growing up, it’s all I knew. It has transformed from a learned behavior in childhood into a state of mind as an adult. I am anxious because I miss people.

Being out and about and around others energizes and fulfills me. I miss college. Just a year later and so much has changed. I miss meeting strangers and forming connections, embracing friends, and sharing laughs.

I miss seeing the entire face of people

…so I can appreciate all of their wonderfully unique features. I miss examining body language and getting the chance to read the vibration someone emits when I first meet them.

I miss the sound of live music, festivals, and the smell of the bar on College Ave.

I miss what life was before the pandemic, and I try to remain grateful. But the anxiety just radiates from my being as this feeling of tightness comes forth from my chest.

I’m anxious and that’s okay. It’s natural to feel that way sometimes. And as we enter a new year, my anxiety seems to deepen. Reality makes no shift and leaves me feeling stuck in a lifestyle we have all had more than enough of.

Conquering Uneasiness

So I write. I just keep writing about the way I feel as I express myself in my public diary. Not really caring about whether people read it or not, but documenting my feelings at this very moment to teach my future self more about me.

While I sit here and type, my eyes grow heavy and I realize all this anxiety has made me quite fatigued.

I know that I’ll be okay so I breathe deeply and promise to honor my body in what it asks from me. Anxiety is a normal response from the body. Having anxiety doesn’t make me weak and it doesn’t mean I lack emotional-regulatory skills.

I sit with my anxiety and reassure myself that everything is going to be okay, great even.

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