Summary

The web content humorously addresses the various "dos and don'ts" of handling and appreciating breasts, likening them to melons, and offers tongue-in-cheek advice ranging from practical to absurd.

Abstract

The article "Honeydews and Honey Don'ts" takes a playful approach to discussing breasts, comparing them to melons and providing a list of humorous best practices. It advises women to label their breasts to avoid mix-ups, suggests using them for advertising space, and even proposes using them to extinguish grease fires. The piece also warns against inadvisable actions such as poking bears with one's chest, gluing breasts together for size enhancement, or attempting to produce orange juice from them. The author balances the lighthearted tone with a reminder to appreciate and take care of one's breasts, emphasizing their natural beauty and function.

Opinions

The author implies that breasts, like melons, come in various shapes and sizes, and should be appreciated individually.
There is a humorous suggestion that breasts can be a source of income through platforms like Only Fans.
The article satirically cautions against impractical and potentially dangerous actions involving breasts, such as using them to put out grease fires or exposing them to ants.
The author pokes fun at the idea of using breasts for mundane tasks, like squeezing out orange juice or extinguishing fires.
There is an underlying message that breasts should not be taken for granted and are a natural wonder to be celebrated and cared for.
The piece playfully criticizes the objectification of women's bodies by suggesting the use of breasts for advertising, while also acknowledging the power of their allure.
The author uses hyperbole and absurdity to entertain and engage the reader, while also subtly promoting body positivity and self-love.

July is Melons Month

Honeydews and Honey Don’ts

Best Practices for Dirty Pillows

I’m very aroused. Photo Credit: Marina Ryazantseva.

What does one do with a tit?

It’s a question as old as Angela Lansbury.

As with boobies themselves, I feel this query is best handled by a man.

Here are my top Honeydews and Honey Don’ts for those lovely chesticles.

You’re welcome, ladies!

Honeydew — Label Your Maracas

Although they come in many shapes and sizes, many lady bongos look alike. Before leaving home, make sure you label those shoulder boulders so that nobody confuses them for their own and accidentally takes your tits home. How embarrassing!

Honey Don’t! — Poke the Bear

It is never advisable to poke a bear, but it is especially not advisable to poke a bear with one’s mammaries. It puts you in perfect biting range, but worse still: what if the bear likes it? Then all the blueberries in the world won’t be enough to barter yourself free from the life of a bear’s wife.

Honeydew — Exhibit Them on Only Fans

That trip to Paris isn’t going to pay for itself! But you know who will happily pay for it: BaconLove69 and MervthePerv3, your most loyal subscribers.

Honey Don’t — Superglue Those Tatas Together

I know: bigger is better, and so why not glue those funbags together to make one super-tit that is instantly twice the size! I like where your head is at, but let’s leave the trend-setting to the professionals on Tik Tok.

Don’t worry: I’ll find that pu . . . cat. Original image: Yvette LeBaron.

Honeydew — Advertise

It amazes me how few women make use of this free moveable billboard space. Giving guitar lessons? Lost your cat Snuckems? Want to sell real estate? Free advertising is just a felt-tipped marker away!

Honey Don’t! — Spend the Afternoon Attempting to Squeeze out Orange Juice.

This one’s for the significant others. It doesn’t matter how many oranges your force feed your partner, she will never produce that sweet Florida Sunshine. I’ve tried with my past girlfriends, and believe me: once they wake up, you break up.

Honeydew — Put out Grease Fires

You should never pour water on a grease fire! Experts advise to reach for baking soda, but let’s face it: baking soda isn’t always around. Grab those coconuts and squeeze liberally over the pan, and you’ll have the situation under control in no time.

Honey Don’t! — Cover the Twins in Honey and Fall Asleep Next to an Anthill

Do I really have to explain any further?

Honeydew — Expose them to Radiation

Are you over 40? Well, it’s time for a technician to shove those beautiful cantaloupes in between two plastic imaging plates and bombard them with X-Rays. Don’t worry: I hear they hand out lollipops afterward!

Honey Don’t — Take them for Granted

Whenever you’re feeling low, just peek down at those marvelous bazoombas and jump for joy! (And if there’s a trampoline nearby, why not jump for joy and put the whole neighborhood in a good mood?) Remember: you possess two of the most tantalizing entities the human consciousness has ever conceived.

Sometimes they bounce and sometimes they jiggle. Sometimes they tempt when you give them a wiggle.

They’re full of milk and they feed babies. They’re soft as silk and they cure rabies.*

Celebrate those peaks, those bosoms, those cherries, those hooters. Because one day they’ll drag behind you on mobility scooters.

Melons? Grapefruit? Photo Credit: Laura Tancredit

*They probably don’t cure rabies. I’m just willing to provide shoddy medical advice for the sake of a rhythmic ending.

Enjoyed yourself? Then read this Stupid:

Neighbor Leaves Note for Man Living in his Van

Several neighbors complained. Dan took a different approach.

medium.com

Loved this read: Gunner Barrett

Shortcuts Are a Quick Way to Slowly Die in the Mountains

We ain’t trying to be dramatic, but you’re doomed. You’re all doomed

medium.com