Honesty Is NOT Always the Best Policy

Nuanced communication works better for us and others

We often hear the saying “Honesty is the best policy,” which has embedded itself in the shared wisdom of modern Western society. Yet, this statement can be a bit of an exaggeration. In reality, hardly anyone genuinely believes that honesty is the superior choice in every circumstance.

I learned about it the hard way when I was a naive young adult.

I’m not referring to situations where criminals pressure you for sensitive information, like your bank account passwords. Instead, I’m talking about the everyday interactions you have with your neighbors, colleagues, friends, and even your own family.

In this story, I begin by discussing the clear instances in which honesty might inconvenience those around us. Then I will dive deeper into the topic, exploring how refraining from complete honesty in certain scenarios can actually contribute to positive outcomes.

How are you?

I grew up in Taiwan. In that culture, people don’t typically ask others how they are doing as part of a greeting. It is more commonly seen in Western cultures. But after moving to a Western country, I quickly learned that the question “How are you?” seldom calls for an in-depth answer.

If you decide to open up and share your recent struggles, you might find that it doesn’t quite land as you’d expect. People might not be all that interested and even get a bit annoyed.

It might seem like there’s a hint of insincerity, but it’s not really about that. It’s more about the shared understanding that “How are you?” often translates to “Hello,” without a need for a lengthy response.

To keep things efficient and save everyone’s time, I’ve picked up the habit of simply responding with “I am doing well” or “Great”, regardless of how I’m actually feeling.

Is it a form of dishonesty that I claim to be fine when I’m quite the opposite? I think so. However, if the person asking isn’t exactly looking to step into a therapist role right then and there, why should I unload my burdens on them? It’s really a matter of being considerate.

Reverse psychology

Sometimes, we might strategically bend the truth — not to hurt others for personal gain, but to steer them towards something good. One way to do that is through a technique known as reverse psychology.

Reverse psychology itself is neutral. It can be employed as a sales tactic, but it can also be used for mutual benefits.

Milton Erickson is an American psychiatrist and psychologist who specializes in family therapy. One day, a recently married couple came to seek his help. Coming from deeply religious families, they got married mostly to please their parents. However, their honeymoon was a complete disaster. They felt awkward about sex, and their love seemed to be missing.

The husband was thinking about getting a divorce, but Erickson had an interesting idea. He suggested what he called a “friendly divorce.” Erickson told the husband to book a hotel room and plan one last “friendly” night together before going through with the divorce. They were also supposed to share a “friendly” glass of champagne, a “friendly” kiss, and so on.

Erickson’s advice wasn’t actually aimed at promoting a “friendly divorce.” Far from it. His intention was to create a relaxed atmosphere for the couple. He recognized that they didn’t need another authority figure, like their parents, telling them what to do. Instead, Erickson wanted to place them in a situation where they could naturally rediscover their attraction for each other without feeling pressured.

And he achieved exactly that. By following his guidance, the couple enjoyed an exciting evening together, ultimately leading them to decide happily to remain married. (Source)

Reverse psychology is effective because most people prefer to view themselves as independent individuals. They express their autonomy by occasionally doing the opposite of what they’re instructed to do. This stems from their desire to feel in control of their choices, bringing them satisfaction in the belief that they are the ones making decisions for themselves.

I discovered the surprising effectiveness of reverse psychology by accident one day during a family meal. As I was chewing on a piece of broccoli, I suddenly noticed half of a bug buried deep within it (the other half was in my mouth!). My kids found it rather amusing when they heard me exclaiming “Yuck!”

I told them not to laugh because there might be more bugs in their portions of broccoli too. I suggested they inspect their broccoli carefully before taking a bite.

And what did my boys do? They fearlessly placed whole pieces of broccoli into their mouths and began chewing, all the while maintaining eye contact with me. And they did it again and again. In the end, they ended up consuming a far greater amount of broccoli than we would typically require them to eat.

Seeing the result, I thought it was actually worth it that I bit into a bug.

Insincere praise

People enjoy receiving praise and validation because it boosts their self-esteem and makes them feel better about themselves. Consequently, they tend to strive to live up to the positive feedback they receive, ensuring that they can consistently maintain that good feeling about themselves.

Suppose you have team members at work who aren’t performing as well as you’d like. It can be frustrating, and your initial reaction might be to express that frustration by criticizing their lack of effort or sense of responsibility. If you do that, you are being honest for sure, but what does that achieve other than causing resentment and alienation?

Here’s an alternative: You could choose to highlight their dedication and hard work. This not only makes them feel good but also opens the door for constructive suggestions on how they can improve.

You might feel awkward, wondering if the other person will detect your lack of sincerity. But what’s the worst that could happen? Even if they pick up on the fact that you’re overstating their contribution, they’ll likely grasp your intentions and appreciate your effort in their heart.

I had a previous manager who embodied this approach perfectly. He consistently aimed to be considerate in his interactions with his team members.

There was an instance when we welcomed a temporary worker to our team, but unfortunately, she struggled to meet expectations. I wasn’t privy to the discussions that took place in his office behind closed doors, but in our shared workspace, he always maintained courtesy and found opportunities to praise her efforts.

Ultimately, it became clear that she wasn’t the right fit for the team, and my manager decided not to renew her contract. On her last day, during our team meeting, he announced her departure and, as usual, focused on highlighting her positive qualities.

While my manager could have simply stated the fact of her leaving, he took the high road. It was apparent to us in the office that his praise was not entirely sincere, but we all valued his act of kindness in preserving the departing employee’s dignity.

Needless to say, he served as my role model, and I aspire to emulate his behavior if I ever find myself in a similar situation.

Takeaway

I have no doubt that most people who aim for honesty in any situation have good intentions. They value transparency and direct communication. However, there are occasions when they could attain more favorable results by employing a more strategic approach in their interactions.

When we grasp the intricacies of human psychology and take care to consider how people absorb information, we can steer clear of needless conflicts and enhance our ability to inspire others to give their best efforts.