Satire/Humor
Honest Commencement Speech
What people really want to say at graduation ceremonies! :)
Good morning ladies and gentlemen,
As the President of this illustrious university, it is my pleasure to say Congratulations to this year’s entire graduating class. We are so thrilled that you are finally leaving us.
We wish you all the absolute best of luck and success as you enter the adult world. We know you will all need it in spades! After all, we know what blithering idiots you were when you came in! Luck is probably the only thing that can make you successful. Lord knows we tried and failed miserably!
Some of you are probably surprised to be moving out. If this feels like you, then you should thank your professors. Even the incentive of earning another year of your tuition fees was not enough to tempt them to keep you here!
However, as you step out bravely into the wide world, you may feel assured that we have prepared you with all the skills to fit right into the muddling middle class. Life after college will feel comparable to college. Indifferent professors will be replaced by callous managers, debilitating student debt will be replaced by heavy taxes, sky-high rent, and miscellaneous expenses. You hated your meaningless coursework; that frustration will now be replaced by mundane job tasks that make no sense whatsoever to help the world, your company, or even you.
As you look back at your college experience, all you will remember is a blur with a couple of glorious moments like that drunken frat party in sophomore year, that amazing Spring break in junior year or that football game where you screamed yourself hoarse cheering a friend you will forget completely in 18 months. Is the $200,000 price tag of your degree worth these infrequent moments of joy? Not really, but we are confident we did an amazing job of brainwashing you to believe it is so.
Similarly, when you look back at your life 10 or 20 years after graduation, you will delude yourself that everything has turned out fine. But really, all you will recollect are a handful of events like your first wedding (which will again bleed you dry), maybe the birth of your first child, and perhaps a summer vacation in The Adirondacks. Seriously, The Adirondacks is all you can afford if you ever pay off your student loans! And if you do, we will make sure to hound you to death by continuously asking for alumni donations.
A special note to some of our specific student segments:
To our premed students. Your degree is totally worth the paper it was printed on! In fact, it is a spectacular bargain compared to the tons of money, your entire youth, belief in humanity, and possibly the head of hair that you will waste on that medical and surgery degree. Yes, you will ultimately earn pots of money, but only your spouse and kids will ever be free to enjoy it. The only joy you will see is when the new class of interns and pretty nurses occasionally fawn over you.
To the law class, your degree is also entirely worth the money. But do not think you can sue us to get back your tuition fees, we made sure our admission policies are 100% airtight in anticipation of this exact contingency. Instead, you will be better off spending 80+ hour weeks trying to make a partner in a firm against 20 other mercenary lawyers. So here is an incredibly useful tip, jot down the names and numbers of your pre-med classmates. In another 10 years or so, you can sue them for malpractice insurance when they finally become “real” doctors and/or help their spouses implement a nasty divorce. That should help you become a partner!
To the theater, theology, and English majors, your only shot at financial success will be partnering with your lawyer classmates to sue the doc friends for medical malpractice! This is how “networking” in college helps you later in life!
To everyone else, we are thrilled to finally get rid of you and believe the feeling is mutual. Still, we hope we did not alienate you too much so that in 25 years’ time you will consider sending us your hard-earned money — sorry we mean kids, to study here again!
Thank you and we bid you a final farewell!
Disclaimer — no offense meant! :)