Homeschool for Adults — How to YouTube Your Way Through the Quarantine
The Coronavirus quarantine is an unrelenting Groundhog Day interspersed with receiving the same memes over and over. Now, by the end of the second week you’re probably asking yourself a whole new set of questions, like how do you use TikTok? What’s the best way to clean a shower? Am I an alcoholic? Don’t worry, all these answers and more can be found on YouTube, so you don’t have to leave your bed, let alone sit up to find them.
Here are the answers to some questions you may be asking yourself right about now.
• How to dye your hair at home — ““HEYYYYYY GUYS!!” shouts some young, annoying, overcaffeinated auburn cheer leader into the camera from her tiny yellow bathroom. “I’ve had a really annoying day, so let’s dye my hair!” Pause. Mute. Fast forward. At 2.5 minutes in when she still hadn’t even started dying her hair, I stopped watching. I don’t have time for the self-absorbed theatrical dramatizations of the generic beauty influencers. Well, I have all the time in the world, but zero patience. So, if you’re like me here are two other painless options: root spray (if you can find it) or just wear a hat until the quarantine is over because really who’s looking and who cares. “And don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe to my page!!” Bitch leave me alone.
- How to trim your dog’s nails. They cut to a small “nervous, fearful” little mutt who’s standing on a countertop wearing a basket muzzle. All these tutorial videos are so long and drawn out, like bad porn. A whole bunch of unnecessary chit chat while waiting for some action. “Earn the dogs trust, make the dog comfortable. Touch his leg, touch his paw. Take your time, be gentle. Don’t rush. Patience is key. Don’t grab it or squeeze it.” It’s like a lesson in foreplay. Romance him — pour him a bowl of wine. I also obviously need a nail clipper, a muzzle and — much like sex — another person to do this. It’s really a two-person job which defeats the point of me watching the video in the first place. Even if I was going to attempt to do this alone, I’m sure everything I need can’t be found or is on back order for 8 weeks, including tranquilizers for both me and my dog. More time well spent.
- How to clean your bathtub and shower — I mean I know how, but maybe there’s a special trick? Another ultra annoying, too happy to be cleaning expert emphasizing that it’s all about “products, tools and technique.” Sounds dramatic. We’re cleaning a tub, not building one for a princess. Blah, blah, blah — use a sponge or something abrasive. Scrub and throw water on it. Embarrassed that I even looked this up.
• How to put self tanner on your own back — This is something very personal to me and if you’re going to send nudes during a quarantine it should be to you too. I can live with grey roots and a dirty shower, but I like to have a little color on my body, so I don’t glow in the dark. There are apparently two ways to achieve this. One is to take a wooden spoon or spatula (don’t have one), secure the tanning mitt (don’t have one) over it with a hairband, put self tanner (waiting for it to ship) on and use it as if you were scratching your back. Fine. That’s simple enough and was delivered swift and painlessly. The second way is to place a piece of Saran Wrap on the floor, squirt a few blobs of mousse or lotion, then hold it on each side and rub it all over your back like you would a towel when you get out of the shower. This is disgusting and unacceptable. Please don’t do this. I mean try to stay sane.
- How do you use TikTok — Don’t.
- How to Write Your own will- If you have any assets left and don’t have a will, you’re kind of dumb and irresponsible, but this isn’t the time for insults. I watched a twelve-minute video teaching you how to write a will in “less than four minutes.” It was filmed by an estate planning attorney in Iowa and it’s as boring as it sounds. He is standing next to a fireplace mantle and explains that he just moved into a new house and doesn’t have furniture yet. The rest is even more tiresome so allow me to paraphrase it for you: Get a crayon and repeat after me: “To whom it may concern: this is my last will and testament. I leave all my property/stuff/kids/pets to so and so… Name an executor. Sign and date. Wash your hands and try not to die.
- Am I an alcoholic? You don’t need to look this up — if you have to ask, probably.