Holiday Bliss or Blues

How to make the best of season’s greetings

We spend more money and time on the holiday season each year. Before Halloween candy is sold from the store shelves, Christmas items are on display. Black Friday sales start the week before Thanksgiving. Social media will be flooded with perfect family pictures and enviable holiday excursions in the last two weeks of December.

The American culture is emotionally and financially invested in “The Holiday Season.” For almost two months, not just one, television programming and commercials will manipulate our emotions to center on gratitude, love, and family. Businesses have office parties to celebrate the season, and neighbors competitively decorate their homes as welcome invitations.

The holiday season is about joy and gratitude, and statistics prove it. According to the CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics, despite the myth of increased suicides, December ranks lower than the other months for suicide attempts. The lower rate is a testament to the increased faith the season brings. Still, we must proceed with caution through the season.

Holiday Blues

Holiday blues are a serious problem. Many people experience deep depression and excessive stress. Mandatory work parties, the flood of social media pictures, store ads, decorations, and ongoing public conversations about holiday events can trigger holiday blues.

Cold weather and short daylight hours compromise people’s resilience when they need it most. People are less likely to spend time outdoors or to exercise, natural remedies for sadness. So, even highly resilient people struggle to stay emotionally afloat between Thanksgiving and New Year’s.

Winter holidays come with a cultural script that brings joy to many. But holiday blues also have an annual tradition. Millions of people struggle to execute the holiday script. Each year, more people opt out of the automated tasks of family gatherings, gift exchanges, and mandated office parties. No matter how important the holiday season is to you, know that not everyone feels the same.

Several factors contribute to blues rather than bliss during the season. Understanding the stress around the holiday season will foster sensitivity to comfort those around you.

Culturally Incongruence

Let’s first acknowledge that the holiday season is not geared toward cultural inclusion. Thanksgiving is an offensive celebration for Native Americans and many people of color. Some people enter the holiday season feeling ignored and unappreciated by the American culture.

Christianity makes up only 71% of the religious population in the United States. Almost 30% of the population holds different religious traditions. Some people don’t celebrate at all, and others celebrate different cultural holidays.

Popular holidays include Kwanzaa and Hanukkah. Kwanzaa is observed from December 26 — January 1 as a celebration of African Culture in the lives of African Americans. Hanukkah, a celebration of the Jewish faith, is observed for eight days that vary each year.

This year, Hanukkah observance begins at sundown on Thursday, December 7, and ends Friday evening, December 15. Kwanzaa and Hanukkah are significantly less commercialized than Christmas and are not associated with gift-giving. Celebrations quietly occur in community centers, places of worship, and homes.

While wishing someone a Merry Christmas isn’t offensive, it’s not necessarily meaningful. Greeting people you don’t know well with “Happy Holidays” instead of Merry Christmas, is more inclusive than assuming Christmas is relevant to everyone. Asking people what holidays they celebrate can also be a great ice-breaker to get to know people at those awkward office parties.

Christmas Costs

A Gallup Poll reports the average spend per person for Christmas is expected to be near $1,652 in 2023. That amount rivals the monthly income of an individual living at the poverty line. Commercializing Christmas puts a financial strain even on middle-class families.

Expensive electronics are in high demand, even for children. The cost of big family dinners and travel is considerably higher than a year ago. Coloring books, crayons, jump ropes, jacks, or new socks aren’t worthy of social media posts. It’s easy to feel deprived when you see others receive high-ticket items.

Conversations about gift-giving and receiving may be stressful. When I was a child living at the poverty level in the 1960s, I was glad there was no school for a week after Christmas. When school resumed, most people had stopped talking about their new toys and clothes. These days, social media creates up-to-the-minute comparisons.

As many as one-third of families who purchased gifts on credit cards last year are still paying the balance. Yet, 74% of shoppers will buy gifts with credit cards this year. We can support those less fortunate by avoiding asking people when they’re shopping or what they’re buying.

Hold gatherings that don’t require gift-giving or dish-bringing. Ten dollars may be a stretch for people struggling through the holidays. Show love and appreciation by asking people to share a talent at the gathering instead of sharing something material.

My favorite holiday social event was gathering with four families for talent sharing. We always saw a talent we didn’t know existed within our group, for example, singing, dancing, or poetry. We saw children develop their talents from one year to the next.

At that time, my husband and I were Ph.D. students who had left the professional world to advance our education. Money was tight for our family of four. But, our hearts were filled during the holiday season because we looked forward to our annual event with friends.

Family Issues

Many people do not have access to their family voluntarily or involuntarily. Families live more spread out each year. Many people live with no family members within 300 miles. They may not have the time or money to visit with family members. Hearing constant chatter about families could trigger depression.

A dysfunctional family history also forces many people to separate from their families. Being alone is often high-quality self-care. Abuse from the past or recent days may mean choosing to be solo for the holidays. I know people who go hiking, to the theatre, to the beach, or somewhere they find other solo people and don’t feel out of place.

Having no family doesn’t mean your acquaintance wants to spend time with your family. Let them be alone if they choose. People may have made plans they aren’t willing to share with you — no need to be nosey. Feeling sorry for someone is not helpful. Give one invitation and accept no for an answer.

Holiday Grief

Many families have experienced personal trauma or loss that has sucked the joy out of the holiday season. A family tragedy has no respect for timing. December is a time of mourning for many people.

Ironically, although the suicide rate declines in December, the death rate spikes, especially on Christmas Day. This phenomenon is not fully understood, although it is believed to be related to stress. The memory of losing someone around the holidays can become a permanent stress.

Learning to live without loved ones can take years, and the holiday season triggers grief. Many people are still grieving the loss of loved ones during the COVID-19 pandemic. They cannot yet bring themselves to experience joy without their loved ones.

Beating the Holiday Blues

The key to beating the holiday blues is not to fight it. Sometimes, when we feel bad, we panic. We start worrying about feeling bad. We expect to feel bad for a long time. Or, we respond to the sadness in ways that unknowingly make it worse, such as isolating or numbing out.

Instead, we must be proactive in protecting our mental health. You know the drill if you have been sad every holiday season since you lost your loved one or went no-contact with family. You know your triggers. If you don’t, this is an excellent year to assess them. You must act swiftly before you are in too deep.

Feel Your Feelings

Instead of forcing your feelings to go away, try embracing them. Your intense emotions around the holidays are an opportunity to validate your experience of harm or grief. Whatever happened in your life to bring you to this place of pain was real and can be healed.

Common positive psychology and gratitude coping mechanisms often become ineffective during the holiday season. You can’t heal emotions by ignoring or covering them with false gratitude.

Time does not heal all wounds. Some wounds need professional help to heal. All wounds need intentionality and a safe space to heal. Think about how to address, instead of suppressing, your feelings.

Healing is ugly, disorderly, awkward, unpredictable, and overwhelming, sometimes producing anger, regret, fear, and uncertainty. Work on the messiness of healing all year to avoid the holiday blues.

Call in the Troops

You are not alone in your feelings, no matter how bad you feel. Some people have similar experiences and are also in need of support. Find and use your tribe during the stressful season.

The least likely suspect sometimes offers the most. So open your mind. Your support persons may not be family members or share the same age group, race, or religion. They may have different values than you. Still, they may be empathetic, understanding, and kind.

Beware that if you use your tribe for therapy, you risk building a dysfunctional relationship of trauma bonding that is likely to be short-term. Use your tribe to create new experiences of gratitude and joy to rebalance your resilience.

Share cultural events, such as theatrical or dance performances, even if they are online. Read and discuss shared books. Join an organization together to express similar passions. Plan workouts together. Most importantly, keep in touch.

You shouldn’t expect daily communication with each tribe member. However, try to communicate regularly. Make sure you are initiating contact and allowing other people to initiate. Reach out consistently, not just when you feel sad.

Social media poetry groups can be exceptional, reliable, and consistent communities. Poetry rewrites narratives and facilitates a vibe of authenticity, an alternative to the gratitude model of dealing with pain.

You can find poetry groups on most platforms with a “Poetry” keyword search. Be patient in finding a group that matches your vibe. You can find poetry events online throughout Christmas Day with others restructuring the holiday.

Avoid Over-indulgence

Some people over-indulge in the consumption of alcohol or cannabis during the holiday season. Unfortunately, alcohol and cannabis are depressants. People feel relaxed after using them because they shut down the prefrontal lobe. The prefrontal lobe is responsible for reasoning and responsibility, so you worry less. But the costs outweigh the benefits. Long-term, symptoms worsen.

A side effect of smoking and drinking is indulging too much. Over-indulging is easy because decision-making is compromised once the prefrontal lobe is relaxed. The part of your brain that signals you are over-indulging is numb.

Once reasoning is compromised, your problems may seem more significant even though your brain feels momentarily more relaxed. As the numbness wears off, the anxiety returns, so you repeat the process or live in heightened anxiety. For this reason, smoking or drinking as a coping mechanism during the holiday season should be avoided.

Make the Body-Brain Connection

When you pay special attention to your body and give it proper care, you turn the mind-body connection in your favor. When you increase the competence of your body, the mind can thrive off that competence. Move your body to clear your mind.

Yoga is gentle and can restore emotional balance. Aerobics is great for activating endorphins for a sense of happiness. Weight training can make you feel stronger inside and out. Trial and error will help you find your movement niche to connect with your body.

Group exercises are more motivating if you don’t like working out alone. Get ahead of the New Year’s crowd and join the gym in December. Most gyms will close early on Christmas Eve and not reopen until the day after Christmas. But a brisk outdoor walk or video-guided yoga session will still be accessible on Christmas Day.

Take a secondary approach if you cannot do the physical work to connect with your body. Treat yourself to extra massages, wear makeup, take baths, or change your hairstyle during the holiday season. Let your body know that your mind is trying to connect.

Happy Holidays

You have talents, interests, and relationships that serve you all year. Don’t let loss or lack be your lens to the world. If you are proactive in approaching the holiday season, you can bring joy into it.

Each day is an opportunity to heal a little more and spread a little more love. You don’t need to give a single gift or kiss under a mistletoe. You don’t have to go into a worship building or sit at a family table. You need to be present with all that is and all that you are.

Our presence is our transparency and authenticity. It’s a willingness to create the best moments of our lives instead of being defined by the worst moments. The holiday season is a time to expand ourselves beyond cultural scripts. It’s an opportunity to open our hearts to the world and its people.

References

CDC, (2014): Holiday suicides: Facts or myth. Center for Disease Control and Prevention/ Violence Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/holiday.html

Gowin, J (2018): Your Brain on Alcohol: Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-illuminated/201006/your-brain-alcohol

Ille, N. (April 16, 2020): US Funerals: https://www.us-funerals.com/deaths-spike-on-christmas-day/

Issa, E. (October 3, 2023): Nerd Wallet: https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/shopping/2023-holiday-shopping-report#:~:text=More%20than%20half%20of%202023,this%20year%20due%20to%20inflation

Saad, L. (October 27, 2022): Americans planning to spend generously this holiday season. Gallup https://news.gallup.com/poll/403985/americans-planning-spend-generously-holiday-season.aspx

Web MD (2018): Depression and alcohol. Web MD. https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/alcohol-and-depresssion#1