NOVEL

His Words Are with Me

The Love We Had, a novel. Chapter 47

47

I float in myself. I go out from his door. His words are with me when I go down the stairs. He wants more, he wants me to just belong to him. He wants me, he says he loves me in a way he has not loved anyone before. He wants me to just be his.

Before I leave, he asks about the next time.

«You can come to my place again,» he says.

«Oh yes, I know you want me to,» I say.

«You know, I can come to you too,» he says. «It’s not that easy, but I can.»

«Did you say anything to her — did you tell her about us?»

He looks at me, an attentive look.

«Yes,» I explain. «This is getting a little complicated, I feel.»

«Yes, I understand, but I do not feel it’s too complicated. I will talk to her, if we agree, you and I …»

«If we agree, you say?»

I stop, look at him.

«We agree, right?»

«Sure, so I’ll talk to her then.»

I stopped in the dark, in the middle of two lampposts. There was a little doubt somewhere in all this. I did not want the suspicion to grow in me. I decided to push away the dubious thoughts that had arisen from our last conversation today.

I close my eyes, I see his face, his bare shoulder. I float in the soft space inside myself.

I smile, start to move on, out of the darkness. What he said earlier today fills me with a secret cheer. And it scares me a little.

The cell phone lights up. I open and see that he sent a message. He wants to meet me, he wants more, and I feel the stress. I am not ready for it now. I feel it becomes too much, I can’t do it, both to live up to what he wants and to be myself. Live my everyday life.

I read one more time the message he has sent. I feel a joy, mixed with a turmoil I haven’t known before. I will and I will not — or cannot — live up to what he wants.

I’m a prisoner in my life. I have three children, I’m not free. I need time to go into myself, I need time to find myself. I need peace in my everyday life, calm to find who I want to be.

I type letters that turn into words on the screen, words that I know he will not smile at.

“I cannot … Not tomorrow, and not the day after tomorrow.”

I see his expression, disappointment painted over his face.

I pinch my lips and write:

“That’s the way it is, and that’s the way it has to be.”

Half an hour later he calls. I say “wait a minute” and hold the phone against my ear as I walk down the stairs and into the bedroom. He says he has read my last message; he says that he understands.

I believe I can hear on his voice that he is sorry. It’s like the voice is missing some of the tones that use to be there.

He says he understands, that it is not that simple. I hear what he says.

He hesitates, I respond a bit briefly and I notice that he becomes insecure and changes the subject, talking about this day at work.

He says he was inside the oven hall where my husband works. He was on a team that repaired the tapping machine on furnace 2. He says it was a bit strange to stand there, a few meters beyond him.

I don’t know what to answer. I say yes. He changes the conversation topic again and repeats that he would like to meet me and that he understands well that it can sometimes be difficult, and that it must be as I say.

I hear steps in the stairs outside the door and it becomes difficult to talk on the phone. I hear him say that he needs to see me again soon, he repeats that he needs to talk to me. He says he’s a little insecure on how to understand it, what I wrote in the last message — this about «that’s the way it is, and that’s the way it has to be».

Outside the door I hear the youngest calling to me. I answer that she has to wait a bit, then I will come. I say into the phone that I must put on, and that I will call again as soon as I can.

I take a deep breath, go to the window in the living room and look up at the mountains, the clouds, the sky. — A day like today, a day when the light flows white down the mountainside, a day when the sunlight flows towards me from the high sky, a day that lifts me with liberating thoughts, good feelings.

It’s a day that overpowers me and which entices me who has lived in the shadows too long. It’s such a day of the rarest kind, and I can get up, raise my eyes and smile at the light, I feel the light warmth against my face lightly strikes my cheek.

I can move on without dragging with me the difficult or the painful issues. I can leave what weighs and let myself be filled with new energy.

On such a day when I am born a bit again, a day for positive thoughts, a day of positive talk with my loved ones. Such a day when I am invincible, when I feel immortal, I feel stronger, happier than I can remember that I have been.

This is my day, and I feel a tingle against the temple. I ask myself whether this is the day that I could capture and use to take important steps in my life.

The story that the novel tells takes place in a small industrial town at the end of a fjord in western Norway. The story being told and the characters are fictional.

The photos included in the chapters are taken on location in Odda and in the Odda Smelter (Odda Smelteverk, 1906–2003), the carbide factory that is part of the story.

The Love We Had, a novel

Part 1 The Longest Night -chapters 1–3, told by Lars. Part 2 The Light Inside -chapters 4–17, told by Aslak. Part 3 Save Our Secret Love -chapters 18–49, told by Eira.

For free access to 43 of 49 chapters, click here.

The Love We Had, a Novel, Amazon

Øivind H. Solheim writes fiction, essays and articles aiming to help others understanding life, other humans and themselves. He has published five novels, two non-fiction books and a poetry book.

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